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The Only Thing Blowing Up Is Your Relationship

, , , , , | Romantic | March 10, 2021

I’m on a trip to London with my girlfriend. We’re on the tube. I’m reading; she’s on her phone. Someone sits down opposite us, who happens to be a Muslim man. I’d like to tell you this is irrelevant, but…

My girlfriend leans over to me and asks if we can get off at the next stop because she’s realised there’s a shop she wants to check out. I agree, and we get off at the next stop. I make my way to the station’s exit, but she stops me.

Girlfriend: “We can get back on the next train.”

Me: “What? But I thought—”

Girlfriend: “I just needed an excuse to get off that particular train.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Girlfriend: *As if it’s obvious* “Well, I was scared we were going to get blown up!”

Me: *Thoroughly confused* “What are you talking about?”

Girlfriend: “The man opposite us. You never know.”

I stare at her.

Me: “That’s— That’s pretty racist!”

Girlfriend: “I’m just being realistic!”

I didn’t know what else to say at that point, so I left it. Our remaining days in London were nice, but this and some other difficulties we’d been having caused me to break up with her soon after we got home.

The Milk Is Fresh But The Customers Are Spoiled

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: Penguin-mum | March 10, 2021

My Dad was a milkman for around twenty-five years, in the days when most people had bottles of milk delivered to their doorsteps. He used to deliver seven mornings a week, starting around 5 am, then go out Thursday and Friday evenings collecting the money.

One winter evening he knocks on the kitchen door of one house. The wife opens the door and steps out.

Wife: “I’m just on my way out, but he’ll pay you.”

She points to her husband, who is sitting on the far side of the kitchen by the fire. My Dad looks at the husband, the husband looks at Dad.

Husband: “No, I’m too warm by this fire, I’m not moving. Come back tomorrow.”

Dad: “Come on, stop mucking around. I want to get home tonight.”

Husband: Adamant. “No, I’m too cosy. Come back tomorrow.”

At 5.30 am the next morning, my Dad is standing on their front doorstep, thumping on their door as hard as he can:

Dad: “Morning! Milko! I’ve come for the money.”

He can hear them starting shouting indoors:

Wife: “You go down.”

Husband: “I’m not going down.”

Wife: “You were the one who wouldn’t bloody pay him!”

Eventually, the wife opens the door and hands the money to Dad. As she does so, she looks him straight in the eye and just says:

Wife: “You Sod!”

The money was always waiting for him at that house after that.

Lack Of Register Does Not Register: On The Road Edition

, , | Right | March 9, 2021

I work on the phone as a breakdown operator for a major car manufacturer. I have my fair share of entitled jerks and just plain stupid people, but my least favourite callers are this sort, with whom I speak at LEAST once a shift, often more.

Me: “Good morning, [Company Breakdown Services]. This is [My Name] speaking; how may I help?”

Caller: “Hello, I have [problem] with my car.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, sir. Let me take some details from you and we’ll get some assistance out to you as soon as we can. Can I start with your car’s registration number [license plate], please?”

Caller: “D***, I knew you were going to ask me that… Let me just find it… Hold on… It’s just outside… I should have had it ready, huh?” *Laughs* “Okay, here it is…”

I still wonder why you would call a breakdown operator without having your car’s details ready.

Her Empathy Must Have Been Stolen

, , , , | Right | March 9, 2021

I work as a checkout operator at my local supermarket. I’m helping a mother-daughter combo with their shopping, and behind them is another lady customer.

While I’m helping the mother, her daughter goes to put their basket away, but as she walks away, she accidentally taps the basket on the lady customer’s shoulder.

The lady is livid and glares at the two women but doesn’t say anything. The mother and daughter finish their transaction and walk away, with the lady customer watching them.

She then leans over the till towards me and says, rather menacingly:

Customer: “I hope she gets mugged on the way home.”

I just sat there and continued doing my job, while silently fearing for my life.

Not Very Closed Minded: The Finale

, , , | Right | March 8, 2021

Our branch is closing down for good. The staff were notified of this a good two months or so before the closing date, and we were quick to start advertising this to the public. Our front glass windows and doors were plastered in “CLOSING DOWN” signs, we held several sales to get rid of as much stock as possible, and we made sure we mentioned this in person to as many customers as we could. In the run up to the store closing, we had so many conversations like this it made my head spin.

Customer: “Where are you moving to?”

Manager: “We’re closing, not moving.”

Customer: “Oh. So when are you reopening?”

Manager: “We’re not.”

Customer: “I know, but you’ll be open again somewhere, right?”

Manager: *Sighs*

Some variation of this happened several times a day, to the point where I actually had to step into the stock cupboard for a moment and stifle a scream into my shirt. A day or two before we closed, a young customer was pushing through the sea of customers grabbing things from our heavily advertised “CLOSING DOWN” sale.

Young Customer: “Hi, I was wondering…”

He pulled out a resume and slid it across the counter to me.

Young Customer: “Do you guys have any jobs going at all?”

Me: “I… we’re… We don’t have any jobs left here ourselves.”

He blinked and looked around the store in surprise.

Young Customer: “Oh! You’re closing down?”

I thought the worst of it was over when the fated day finally arrived and our store officially closed for business. I showed up that morning out of uniform, just like the rest of the team. By the time I got there, it was about nine am and whatever was left of the sale stock had already been boxed away, leaving masses of empty shelving units. Cardboard boxes were scattered everywhere. Posters and signs were in the middle of being taken down. Workmen were in the process of taking apart the counter — literally dissembling the entire counter — which meant the tills and computers had been disconnected and removed. A large white van was parked outside the front doors, which were propped open so that the workmen could carry things in and out.

Naively, I had faith that anybody passing by would see the white van, the workmen, the signs plastered in the windows, and the bone-bare interior of the once-bustling store, and come to the sensible conclusion that maybe — JUST MAYBE — we weren’t open for business. Oh, no.

A customer wandered in through the open doors before pausing and looking up in surprise.

Customer #1: “Oh. You’re not open?”

Me: *Sitting on the floor taping up a cardboard box* “No?”

Customer #1: “Oh. I only wanted [Movie]. You haven’t still got it, have you?”

Me: “You’re kidding.”

He left, still looking bewildered. Customers #2 through #4 arrived in the same manner, wandering cluelessly in through the doors before acknowledging that we maybe weren’t able to serve them.

I was growing increasingly frustrated with the sheer stupidity of each and every person who did this, and as I no longer had my job to worry about, I was rapidly running out of patience. One of the services the store used to offer was a trade-in service for pre-owned DVDs, CDs, and games; the standard exchange was for cash or store credit. Yet another customer wandered a few feet into the store before stopping.

Customer #5: “Oh, you guys actually did close.”

Coworker: “What, you didn’t think we would?”

Customer #5: “Well… I mean… I wanted to trade in these DVDs.”

She held up a stack of movies.

Customer #5: “I know you’re closed, but can I still trade these in?”

Coworker: “Lady, we literally don’t have a till to put them through. We can’t give you anything for them and we’ve got enough overstock as it is!”

Customer #5: “Can I just give them to you, then?”

Coworker: “No!”

We were all so tense by that point, because we couldn’t just shut the doors to keep the idiots out; the workmen needed a clear route to carry heavy objects in and out. My manager got so fed up, though, that he grabbed a rope divider we used to use to rope off our upper floor and stuck that in front of the doors, figuring he’d remove it if the builders needed to get through.

Barely twenty seconds after he’d roped off the door, a family of about five people suddenly clustered into the doorway, trying to push past to see into the store.

Woman: “What’s happened here?!”

Me: “We’ve closed.”

Woman: “You’ve closed?! But we came all the way from [Area barely ten minutes away] just to shop here!”

Younger Woman: “When are you reopening?”

Me: “Oh, my God.”

The woman started grabbing at the divider as if she was going to tear it open.

Woman: “We came all this way and you’re closing? We wouldn’t have wasted a trip if we’d known!”

Me: “We’ve had signs up for months.”

Manager: “It doesn’t have to be a wasted trip; you can come in and help us pack up.”

Woman: *Spluttering angrily* “I don’t want to pack up! I want DVDs!”

My manager just started laughing and turned away from them. I went upstairs at that point because I just couldn’t bear to witness any more stupidity that blatant for the rest of the day. Apparently, several more people tried to come in while I was up there, and by the time the doors were shut and I came down to help with the cleaning, I’d lost count of the people who tried to tug the doors open. Even now, years later, just thinking about this gives me heartburn.