(I’m the brain-dead customer in this one. I had new Internet service set up today, but when I try using it, the speed is less than 10% of what it should be, so I call the cable company I subscribe through. After explaining the situation:)
Representative: “What are you trying to connect to?”
Me: “The Internet.”
Representative: *pause* “I know that.”
(I have no defense to offer for myself.)
(I work in IT for a medical laboratory, and part of my job is to troubleshoot connections between medical devices and our software. The medical devices themselves are not ours to manage, however. I get this call one morning:)
Lab Tech: “Hi, my machine is not working. Could you help me, please?”
Me: “Sure! What device, and what seems to be wrong?”
Lab Tech: “It’s [Device], and I don’t know; it’s just doing nothing.”
Me: “Okay, let me check.”
(I see nothing wrong with my monitoring. However, our connectors have a tendency to need regular reboots, as they’re quite old and tend to give us trouble, so I’m expecting it to be something wrong with our equipment.)
Me: “Can you please reboot the connector? The one behind your machine.”
Lab Tech: “Sure, give me a sec.”
(My monitoring starts showing its usual shutdown and boot-up messages.)
Me: “Okay, looks good. Can you try the device again?”
Lab Tech: “Nope, still nothing.”
(I try every trick in the book to get the device to work, including having her reboot the medical device itself, which is kind of a last solution, since they’re not ours to troubleshoot. Nothing ever seems wrong on my end, but the lab tech still says it’s not working. This goes on for FIVE HOURS! I’m way past desperation point, when I ask her to walk me through every step of her process to see where exactly it hangs.)
Lab Tech: “Well, I put my samples in the tray…” *pause*
Me: “Yes, and then?”
Lab Tech: “Well, that’s supposed to be it…” *pause* “Oh, wait… I didn’t press the start button.” *pause, then my monitoring starts flooding with orders* “Now it’s working.”
Me: *screaming internally but somehow managing to keep my cool* “Well, there you go. Have a nice day.” *hangs up*
(The standard way to get Internet via DSL in Germany is using the telephone line; all households have a special telephone outlet built in the wall along with the standard European power outlets and cable outlets for TV.)
Me: “This is the technical service of [ISP]. My name is [My Name], and I assume I’m speaking to Mr. [Caller]?”
Caller: “Hello, yes, exactly. You see, my Internet won’t work!”
Me: “Hello, sir. Yes, the lady from first level told me about your problem. Can you describe what the LED indicators on your router are doing and what kind of a router do you use?”
(It’s an expensive and a very stable router, which doesn’t belong to the ISP brand, but on rare occasions I do make an exception and help with minor issues, since I have the exact same box at home. In this case, however, it seems that nothing is wrong with the box. I then ask the customer to tell me about the indicators and what he’s already tried, while doing a bunch of tests and trying multiple things to bring him back online.)
Me: “Okay, sir. Unfortunately, I can’t just repair it like this; it doesn’t work. Everything seems normal, but the connection just isn’t there. It may be your telephone outlet, but I’ll have to send a field technician to check it out, and exchange it if necessary.”
Caller: “Well, I don’t really like this, but you did really try.”
(We then book an appointment for him.)
Caller: “Oh, and one important thing: is it possible for your guy to call about 30 minutes before coming?”
Me: “They usually call before they have to check something in someone’s house.”
Caller: “Yes, but how long before? I have to prepare everything here.”
Me: “Let me think… The last time I got a field tech at home, he called about 15 minutes earlier to ask if it was okay. But you don’t need to prepare anything; I can assure you our techs know what they’re doing.”
Caller: “Oh, you see, I don’t know how to explain this, but since he’s going to work on my telephone outlet… You see, it’s behind a giant snake terrarium!”
(Needless to say, I wrote that down with the extra plea to call the customer a bit earlier.)
(I work tech support. After standard verification, we ask for the issue.)
User: “I need to unlock my computer.”
Me: “Okay, just give me a minute; this should be a really easy fix.”
(I look at usual tools for unlocks, because that usually means that user’s account is locked.)
Me: “That is strange; I cannot see anything locked there. What is the application you are trying to access?”
User: “It is not an application; my computer is locked.”
Me: “Do you mean that your computer is physically locked?”
User: “Yes.”
Me: “Like in a box with a lock on it?”
User: “Yes, exactly.”
Me: “Did you set some code for it? I would guess it would be something like year of your birth, or something like that.”
User: “No, they gave me that with a code.”
Me: “Give me a moment. I will look for a locksmith in your area.”
(My colleague suggested that user should request blowtorch or sledgehammer.)
Me: “Okay, now bring up Google for me.”
Customer: “Okay… I’m on Google.”
Me: “All right, good, that means you are connected to the Internet.”
Customer: “Is there anyway we can verify that?”
Me: “Well, you just brought up Google.”
Customer: “How do I know this is the Google?”
