(I work for a Voice over IP company, and I’m sitting next to my coworker who takes this call. To use a phone, the user has to first log into it with a pin — this makes it possible to use phones on other workplaces with the same number.)

Support: “[Company], how can I help you?”

Client: “Hello, I’m [Client]. I can’t log into my phone with my password. But I’m sure it should work. Is it ‘123456’?”

(The phone pins are very low-security, and they are actually stored as clear-text in the phone’s configuration file. The support checks it.)

Support: “Yes, that’s correct. I can’t see any other problem with the device from here; just try again.”

(Now, the support listens and hears the client mumble something. He assumes it’s just the client repeating what he’s doing.)

Client: “One-Two-Three-Four-Five-Six… It still doesn’t work.”

Support: “That’s weird. I can log into it from here; I’m sure it’s correct. Try to restart it?”

(The client restarts it, and then tries again.)

Client: “One-Two-Three-Four-Five-Six… Still nothing.”

Support: “Very strange. Maybe you’re putting the password in too slowly?”

Client: “One-Two-Three-Four-Five-Six… No, doesn’t work.”

(They go through different possible problems, but it just doesn’t work, even if it should. This goes on for about fifteen minutes.)

Support: “I can’t detect the problem from here; I’ll have to schedule one of our employees to check it out—”

Client: “Wait… perhaps my secretary has more luck. She has a better grasp on this stuff.”

(The client calls his secretary.)

Secretary: “One-Two-Three-Four-Five-Six… Doesn’t seem to work.”

(The supporter goes through a few things again, with no result. Eventually, the client takes over again.)

Support: “All right, I’m sorry that I can’t help you from here. I’ll schedule a technician to check it out for you.”

Client: “Ah, technology apparently isn’t as advanced as they claim, after all.”

Support: “I’m sorry?”

Client: “Oh, nothing. You’d think this voice-recognition stuff would work a bit better.”

(I can see my coworker facepalm next to me.)

Support: “You are supposed to type the password.”

Client: “Oh.”

(My coworker is calling someone who has put in a service ticket.)

Coworker: “Hello, [Customer]. This is [Coworker] from the [Company] Help Desk. I noticed that you put in a request for your account password to be reset.”

Customer: “Yes, I did.”

Coworker: “All right. Are you near a computer at the moment?”

Customer: “No, I am not.”

Coworker: “Is there a way you could access the Internet?”

Customer: “No, I am at my grandmother’s funeral.”

Coworker: “Uh…” *at a loss for words* “Maybe you could call us at a time that is better for you.”

Customer: “Yeah, that would be good.”

Coworker: “Okay, give us a call when you are free and near a computer… Have a… nice day… I’m sorry?”

(I hang up.)

Coworker: *turning to me* “Why would you answer the phone during your grandmother’s funeral?”

(I about died laughing.)

(I am the bad customer in this story. I am living in France for the year and, while I speak French fairly well, IT terminology is beyond me. I have called tech support, and the following takes place in French.)

Tech Support Guy: “Please click the ‘Start’ button.”

Me: “‘Start’? I don’t know what that is.”

Tech Support Guy: “Is your computer turned off?”

Me: *proudly turns computer off* “Yep!”

(That guy deserved a medal for not hanging up the phone.)

Me: “Hello, you’re through to [Tech Support]; [My Name] speaking. Can I start by taking your name, please?”

Caller: “Hello? I have lines on my screen; how much to fix, please?”

Me: “Right, okay, not a problem. I’d love to help you out, but I need to take some details from you first, please, so I can update my system.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. I have lines on my screen, though.”

Me: “Okay, that’s great. I understand that, but I want to get your details down first, before we start.”

(I eventually give up trying to take her details down. We have some difficulty communicating, as English is not her first language.)

Me: “What we can do is get your SMC reset; it won’t delete anything. It’s a great place to start to troubleshoot these lines that appear on your screen.”

Caller: “No, no, no, no, no! I have lines on my screen! I have Apple appointment; I want price from you for fixing my Apple.”

Me: “Okay, that’s great, but I won’t be able to give you a price because I do not repair the devices; take it into the store and they will tell you. But I can try and do some more troubleshooting with you to see if we can fix it with you on the phone now, and it could save you a journey.”

Caller: “Okay, but I have lines on the screen, though.”

Me: “I understand that. Can you tell me what they look like. Are they vertical lines or horizontal lines in the graphics on your screen?”

Caller: “Yes, they are like that, but I want to know price for repair. Or do you just replace Apple?”

Me: “No, we wouldn’t replace the item; we would repair the device. We can try to reset some information on your hardware side of things to see if this can help at all. We can try this now if you would like—”

Caller: “Oh, okay, but I have cracks on my screen, not graphics lines.”

Me: *sigh* “Why did you not say that to begin with? Please go to your appointment and speak to the experts there. Thank you and goodbye.”

(As a second-level line technician at this ISP, I get a call from the first level about a customer who can’t get online; after that, the customer, a nice older lady, is transferred to me, as well. The troubleshooting begins…)

Caller: “You know, this morning I could still talk on the phone with my nephew. He called me at 9:30! And about 20 minutes after that, I tried to call him back and I couldn’t, and then I saw that the Internet is down, too.”

(This customer has upgraded to VoIP, which must be installed everywhere in Germany by 2017, so her phone conversations use the Internet.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, let’s see what caused this. Can you tell me the model of your router, and which LED lights are on?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s a [Company Brand] router. Only the power light is on, but the link light is on-and-off, and when it’s on it’s very dim!”

(This is the first time someone has told me their light is “dim.” After almost an hour of troubleshooting and establishing that there is nothing wrong with their connection or signal:)

Me: “It seems it’s a problem with the device itself. Hold on, and I’ll transfer you to a device technician to take a look at it.”

(This ISP has call centers all around Germany, so it’s the norm to get coworkers from other ends of the country when transferring someone. This time, however, I happen to get a coworker in the same office as me, who sits a pair of rows away.)

Me: “Oh, [Coworker], so glad I got you on the phone; I know you’re up to this. See, this old lady can’t go online anymore. Her line is all right, but her device behaves weirdly. Somehow the whole home network is down. Can you please take a look? Thank you.”

(I then go on about my business and forget about the entire thing. About 40 minutes later, my coworker stops me as I walk by.)

Coworker: “I’m so mad at you for that call! Do you know what happened?”

Me: “Um, no?”

Coworker: “Turns out the old lady’s husband tried the ‘reset’ button on the router because he thought that would update his device!”

Me: “I… I need to sit down.”

Coworker: “Yes… and I’m going for a smoke, because I need it.”