(I am a service representative for a large copier company. I’m at an office doing maintenance on their copier. It’s a large, ten-foot-long machine with a sorter and stapler module. I have covers removed, new and old parts here and there, my toolbox wide open, and tools scattered over the floor and on the machine. The machine is turned on, but the display shows, “Diagnostics,” instead of, “Enter number of copies,” with interlock cheaters to compensate for the open panels. I’ve just finished the main maintenance and the copier is ready to be put back in normal mode, but I have to go back to my car to get some more parts to finish the job properly and clean everything up. I’m gone five minutes. When I come back, I hear the copier cycling down as I enter the room and find a secretary about to make copies.)

Secretary: “Oh, sorry… Were you working on it?”

Me: “Er… Yes… Didn’t you see the display with ‘diagnostics’ instead of ‘ready to copy?'”

Secretary: “Yes, but I simply turned the copier off, then on, and it cleared. You should put a sign not to use it when you do this.”

Me: *politely* “You mean to tell me that the open doors, the missing panels, the open tool box, the tools on top of the copiers and on the floor, old parts, rags everywhere on and around the copier, and the diagnostic display… all of those were not enough of a sign?”

(She grunted, took her papers, and stormed out.)

(One of our self-scan registers is down, so I call tech support. Our company’s tech support is primarily located in the US, but sometimes I get agents from other countries. This time I get a couple of Russians. The first agent realizes about halfway through that we need to escalate the issue. He conferences in the second agent before he disconnects his end of the call, rather than just transferring me.)

Tech Support #1: “I leave you now with Marko, level two support. He is good at his work. I am leaving you in good hands, strong hands; he fix issue.”

Me: *trying to not laugh at “strong hands”* “Excellent. Thank you for your help!

Tech Support #1: “Thank you. Have a good day. Marko, [something in Russian].”

Tech Support #2: *dryly* “Hello, this is Marko. I am the one having good, strong hands.”

Me: *laughing* “Good morning, Marko. How are you?”

Tech Support #2: *still dryly* “I am good, but my hands are more good.”

Related:
In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

(I work in IT for a large county health department. Recently we began web-based training for all employees on cyber security. A supervisor is using the agency training lab to have our school nurses take the training. I’m there to help the nurses navigate to the training.)

Supervisor: “Now that they are all online, I’m sure I can handle this, though I’m still a little fuzzy on talking about ‘fisting’ emails.”

Me: *pausing a minute* “Do you mean ‘phishing’?”

Supervisor: “Fisting, fishing, whatever…”

(I’m now a bit afraid of what other information this supervisor gave.)

(A recent Firefox update has caused an error message to appear when users try to install our software. There is a complicated fix that we can walk our customers through over the phone in order to get it installed. Many of them, including this particular gentleman, are not entirely comfortable on computers.)

Customer: *after we get the software working* “Can I tell you something? I would rather set myself on fire than do this tech thing again.”

Me: “Actually, I completely understand. I have been repeating this workaround to people literally all day.”

Customer: “Really? Wow.”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “You’ve been really pleasant, but I think you should take my advice and find another job.”

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?

Caller: “I need some assistance with my Internet connection; it’s not working.”

Me: “I can assist you with that. Let me grab some details about your account and take a look.”

(I proceed to gather account information and notice that the caller is in her late 80s. After testing the connection, I notice that our systems are showing that nothing is connected to the data socket in the premises.)

Me: “Okay, I think I may have identified the issue. Do you know where the data socket is in your home?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s under my dining table.”

Me: “No problem. I just need you to check the cable connection, as it may have come loose or have been knocked out of the socket.”

Caller: “Give me a minute, love; I’ve got to get under the table.”

(I hear the caller put the phone down and there are a few grunts as she climbs under the table. She picks up the phone again.)

Caller: “You know, I’ve only known you for five minutes, and I’m already down on my knees.”

(I start giggling, but do not attempt to mute my microphone.)

Caller: “I don’t just do this for any man, you know.”

Me: *uncontrollable laughter*

(The caller finds that her cable was unplugged from the socket accidentally. After reconnecting it, her service begins working normally.)

Caller: “Thanks so much for that, and I’m sorry for being inappropriate.”

Me: “Don’t apologize; you have made my day. I am glad your service is working.”