(As with most customers, once you’ve told them to “right-click” on something one time, they can’t help but ask you about it every few seconds…this was a special instance.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, I need you to click on the icon for me.”

Customer: “Right-click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left-click, unless I say otherwise.”

Customer: “Alright.”

(5 minutes later…)

Me: “Okay, go ahead, and click on that button for me.”

Customer: “Right-click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left-click, unless I say otherwise.”

(5 more minutes later…)

Me: “Can you click on that icon for me ma’am?”

Customer: “Right-click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left-click, unless I say otherwise.”

Customer: “You already said that like three times!”

(We get a LOT of calls like this.)

Caller: “I locked myself out of my computer, and I can’t get in and I need to get in! My password doesn’t work!”

Me: “Okay, we can do a password reset for you.”

Caller: “This is really important, I need to be able to log in!”

Me: “Okay, sir, no problem. Can you just verify your login ID for me?”

Caller: *verifies*

Me: “Okay, great. Now can you verify that your Caps Lock is not on?”

Caller: “What? That’s stupid, why would I… oh.” *silence*

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “…it just worked all of a sudden, thanks.”

Me: “…”

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(I was an 800-directory operator. We weren’t information, we just gave you 1-800 numbers.)

Caller: “Excuse me, but what state is Kentucky in?”

Me: “Well, Kentucky IS a state.”

Caller: “Yeah, but what state is it in?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not IN a state. There are 50 states, and Kentucky is one of them.”

Caller: “Well, there’s 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii.”

Me: “There’s only 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii TWICE. But there’s only 51 if you don’t count Kentucky.”

Caller: *click*

Customer: *staring at the credit card machine* “I don’t know what to do. What does it want me to do?”

Me: “What does the screen say?”

Customer: “Press the green button.”

Me: “Then… well… maybe you should press that green button there.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(I worked the front security gate at a local amusement park during the summer. It has a water park inside, so people come through in bathing suits, and sometimes less. A guest walks through the metal detector and it flashes red.)

Me: “Do you have anything metallic on you, sir? Like maybe your car keys, a watch? Something like that?”

Guest: “No, I didn’t drive here, my friend did.” *points to his friend and walks back through the gate*

Me: “Surprise, it flashed red again. Are you sure you don’t have anything metallic on you?”

Guest: “NO! I told you I didn’t drive here!”

(He began to take off his shorts and shirt before I could say anything; he had nothing but a speedo on underneath.)

Me: “Umm, what’s that?”

(He drops the speedos in front of the crowd.)

Guest: “Those are my keys, I put them in my bathing suit so I wouldn’t lose them on the rides.”

Me: “Please pull your pants back up, and those do count as something metallic, just so you know for next time.”

(He walks into the park with his friends, and now I have a line of guests who all assume I will make them strip…awesome.)

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