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Rise Of The Mummory

, , , , | Friendly | October 1, 2017

(I have almost no verbal filter, and, as such, I tend to say the first thing that comes into my head. I also have no shame, and am rarely embarrassed by anything I come out with. One day at school, I am sitting at a table with two friends and we are talking. I am a girl and my friends are both boys.)

Me: “I realised the other day that mums are called mummies because they have mammary glands.”

Friend #1: *puts his head in his hands and gazes downwards for several seconds, finding his voice* “That’s certainly very novel. Want a cookie?”

Me: *grinning* “But…”

(I trail off, not sure where I’m going with this. The conversation turns in a different direction. A few minutes later…)

Me: “But why not call them ‘mummory’ glands? Or ‘mammies’?”

Friend #2: “Just be quiet!”

Friend #1: “You’re listing off a whole bunch of fetishes right now. Like, all of them.”

Some Mothers Wish They Were

, , , , | Related | September 28, 2017

(I am teaching a pair of six-year-old twins, a boy and girl, when the topic of birthdays comes up. Talking with them and their mother…)

Me: “…and sometimes twins have birthdays on different days, months, or even years if they are born at midnight.”

Girl: “How can you have a baby at midnight? You are sleeping!”

They’re Not Feeling It

, , , | Learning | September 24, 2017

(My teacher likes to try and be “hip” with the kids and uses old lingo.)

Teacher: “It’s all good; do you have your books? No? That’s good; ya feel me?”

Classmate: “Mrs. [Teacher], that’s illegal!”

(That was the end of my teacher using lingo.)

Everyone Should Know The Condom-minimum

, , , | Learning | September 22, 2017

(Since my mum is very progressive, I’ve been given a very in-depth Sex Ed talk, long before my school ever covers the topic. I’ve also been taught not to be embarrassed about it all, and to speak my mind if I feel unwell about anything. During the actual Sex Ed class in school, the very awkward teacher spends less than an hour giving us information, and then brings in some obviously sponsored “goodie bags” for all students; girls get a box full of tampons, pads, some acne treatment, and a razor, while boys also get razors and acne treatment, as well as deodorant and condoms.)

Me: “What does acne have to do with Sex Ed?”

Teacher: “We’ve discussed any kind of changes your body goes through during puberty, and obviously, acne is a big part of that.”

Me: “All right; that makes sense. But why do only boys get condoms?”

(By now, half the class is giggling.)

Male Classmate: “[My Name] wants condoms! Who you wanna f***, eh?”

Me: “We just now talked about how it’s important for both partners to care about safe sex! It’s not just the boys’ job to bring protection!”

Teacher: “All right, we’ve got some boxes for boys left over; you can have one if you want.”

(Cue “[My Name] wants condoms!” being chanted from random classmates.)

Me: “It’s not about ME wanting condoms; it’s about the fact that you just taught us one thing and are now doing the exact opposite! It doesn’t make sense!”

Teacher: “You do have a point. Next time I’ll make sure condoms are included in both boxes. Are you happy now?”

(The class went on normally after that, but I was “Condom Girl” for about a month. At the same time, a few classmates came to me to ask questions they were too embarrassed to ask in class. What I didn’t know myself, I later asked my mum and transferred the info. In a way, my mum gave “The Talk” to about half my school year, just because she taught me to speak up about safe sex. Years later, I’m still the most educated on the topic in my group of friends, and have had to explain quite a few basic things to already sexually active adults.)

Just Shear Innuendo

, , , | Learning | September 20, 2017

Classmate: “[Teacher], can I borrow a pair of shears?”

Teacher: “Sure.” *grabs pair of shears* “I’m pretty good at scissoring.”