(I just got a test back and my teacher doesn’t write down percentages, so I calculate the percentage in my head. My friend, who is sitting next to me asks me to do the same for her.)

Friend: “How do you do that, especially so quickly?”

Me: “Oh, that’s an easy one! You know how everybody has a secret superpower they have to discover themselves?”

Friend: “What? No. Whatever. Continue with the story.”

Me: “Okay, so, my superpower is that whenever I go shopping there is a sale, but the weird thing is these sales are always very specific number like 53% or 29%. I always go to the mall with one friend, who always asks me for an item’s sale price because she is too lazy to get her phone out. So, after years of her asking and me calculating I’ve become really good at it!”

Friend: “Wow, with your algebra class and acceptance to that prestigious engineering program, I thought you were gonna say that your superpower is mental math.”

Me: “The power of shopping!”

(I later let my mom know that shopping is educational for me.)

(This is a conversation overheard after self-defence class at my local Y.)

Boy: “I’m never fighting you again. You fight dirty!”

Girl: “Hey, I told you to wear a cup and most attackers won’t be wearing cups in real life! You have to hit them where it hurts! [Teacher] said to make the fight realistic!”

Boy: “Well, realistically, I think I won’t be able to have sex EVER AGAIN!”

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(Conversation overheard while playing boys versus girls soccer:)

Guy #1: “How come the girls only pass the ball to girls?”

Guy #2: “I know, right? And they call us sexist.”

Guy #1: “Jeez.”

Me: *in my head* “Lord save the human race…”

(I’m having a chocolate bar while our lecture has a break. My friend notices it.)

Friend: “Oh, can I have a piece? I’m ravenous!”

(I snap off two squares.)

Friend: “No, a bit more.”

(I snap of another square.)

Friend: “More!”

Me: “Any more and you’ll have more of it than I do!”

Friend: “I’m diabetic. I have low blood sugar!”

Me: “Then use your tablets. You didn’t buy four packs for them just to sit in your bag!”

(She glares at me as she opens her bag, takes out a pack, and starts chewing them down like Tic-Tacs. When she’s done she sticks her tongue out before staring at me panicked and using her insulin pen, realising she probably just shot her blood glucose up to astronomical levels.)

Friend: “That was YOUR FAULT!”

Me: “I didn’t tell you to eat a whole pack!”

Friend: “F*** you!”

(The offer for the chocolate was still open, but after that she didn’t want to risk it.)

(The science teachers hate the labs the course makes us do, so they are often modified into something completely different; then the teachers need to explain what to do. We’re doing a modified science lab via an online conference involving Skittles and M&Ms, and are trying to calculate the results.)

Teacher: “What’s the average diversity index for the M&Ms? Add them all up and divide by three.”

Class: *does the math* “0.85.”

Teacher: “All right, what’s the average diversity index for the Skittles?”

(I do the math and frown at the results.)

Student #1: “0.85.”

Student #2: “Um, 0.85…”

Me: “0.85?”

(Everyone else reports that they indeed got 0.85.)

Teacher: “Really? It’s the same? I’ve done this lab for ten years and it’s never been the same.”

Me: “We just made history!”

Student #3: “Mark this day down on your calendars. The day we got two results to be the same in a science lab.”