(I work as an online English teacher for children in China. When I only have a single student for a low-level class, I play a game where they say “apple” and I jump, and then we switch roles. This class, I have a six-year-old girl as my only student.)

Me: “Apple!”

Girl: *jumps*

(Something about her doesn’t look right, but I don’t realize what it is at first.)

Me: “Apple!”

Girl: *jumps*

(That’s when I realize what the problem is: she is naked from the waist down! The mother shouts something in Chinese and the girl sits back down and stays seated as the mother rushes over with a pair of panties and helps her put them on.)

Mother: “Sorry! Sorry! She, uh… pee-pee! She pee-pee!”

Me: “It’s all right.”

(Once the girl had her underwear on, class resumed as normal for the rest of the session. My guess as to what happened is that the girl had wet herself right before class and, not having enough time to clean her up properly, the mother simply stripped off the soiled clothes and didn’t think I’d notice during the 25-minute class.)

(I am busy putting stuff up in our back-to-school aisle when a nervous older woman sidles up to me.)

Older Woman: “Excuse me… Um… Do you happen to have… Um… a certain magazine? Oh, I’m so embarrassed.”

Me: “We might, ma’am. What’s the magazine?”

Older Woman: “Playboy.”

Me: “Um, no, ma’am, we don’t carry magazines like that here.”

Older Woman: “Well, someone told me that I would recognize one of the girls there in the magazine.”

Me: *blushes* “Okay, ma’am, well I’m not sure what you’d like me to do.”

Older Woman: “You can order it, right?”

Me: “No, it’s not something that we carry.”

Older Woman: “How about the other store in the area?”

Me: “No, our company does not stock that magazine.”

Older Woman: “You’re a horrible person! Where’s your manager?”

(I walk around the corner, put on a different name tag and my reading glasses, and come back.)

Me: “Is there something I can help you with?”

Older Woman: “Yes! Your employee won’t sell me smut!”

Me: *close to tears laughing* “Well, ma’am, he’s right. We don’t carry any smut. Please go somewhere else.”

Older Woman: “I don’t say this to everyone, young man, but f*** you.”

(The customer stormed out. I thought my disguise would be pretty obvious, but she was probably just too mad to care.)

(I’m working the speedy checkout line and checking a young woman out when an older gentleman of about eighty appears behind her, looking as if he rolled out of bed and drove straight here.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. How are—”

(He literally throws a package of ultra-thin condoms at me, along with a twenty.)

Me: “Would you like this in a bag, sir?”

Customer: *grunts angrily*

(I ring him up, and the drawer opens to give him his change.)

Customer: “Can you keep the change as a tip?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t accept tips.”

Customer: *angrily* “Well, hurry up, then! She’s at home waiting for me!”

Me: “I am doing my best, sir.”

(I count out his change.)

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

(He then grumbled, snatched the bag from me, and then proceeded to run out the door.)

(I’m working at the ticket desk at a museum. After visitors pay, we give them each a sticker to wear so security knows they’ve checked in. A couple with a few young kids have just finished paying.)

Me: “Here are some stickers for you all to wear; that way security knows you paid.”

Husband: “Can we put them anywhere?”

Me: “Yes, just so long as it’s visible.”

Husband: *to his wife, grinning* “Hold still. I need to put this on you.”

Wife: “What are you–”

Husband: *firmly plants the sticker on her breast, prodding it a few times*

Wife: *rolling her eyes* “Really?!”

Husband: “I had to make sure it was secure! And besides, the guy at the desk looked bored.” *gives me a thumbs-up*

Me: *awkward silence*

(I am a cashier, and I am ringing up a couple whose total is $39.25.)

Customer: “I hope you don’t hate me for paying you in singles.”

(I tell him that I prefer smaller bills, because it means I won’t run out of change so quickly, and he hands me forty singles.)

Woman: “He’s a male stripper.”

Me: *staring at the singles as the cash drawer opens* “WHERE HAVE THESE SINGLES BEEN?!”