Me: “I have a tall mocha.”
Customer: “That’s me, thanks.”
Me: “Thanks! Have a good one!”
(She returns in less than a minute with a disgusted look on her face.)
Customer: “What is this?!”
Me: “That’d be a mocha latte.”
Customer: “Does it have espresso in it?”
Me: “Yes. ”
Customer: “Ugh, this is the worst thing I have EVER put in my mouth!”
Me: *without a beat* “Ma’am, I highly doubt that.”
Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is [My Name].”
(The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)
Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48-inch dick.”
Me: “…”
Customer: “I mean DECK!”
(It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)
Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”
Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”
Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”
Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”
Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”
Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”
Me: “Thank you, ma’am, and have a nice day.”
Woman: “LIAR!”
Me: “411 Information.”
Customer: “Wait a minute…”
*papers rustling around*
Customer: “I thought I had that here…”
*long pause, more rustling*
Customer: “Just a sec…”
*several seconds of silence*
Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”
*hangs up*
(A man of at least eighty years of age comes up to my checkout lane. I am bagging his last item.)
Me: “Man, I just don’t think this is gonna fit in here.”
Customer: *completely straight-faced* “That’s what she said.”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Customer: *still straight-faced* “That’s what she said.”
(Needless to say, I nearly died of laughter. If there were only more grandfathers like that out there.)
