I receive a call from a customer. I manage an adult toy store, so I will leave it to your imagination what he’s calling about. I pride myself in helping people find what’s right for them, so this call goes on longer than I should have tolerated.

Customer: “Hi. I bought an item from you yesterday and it’s just horrible; it doesn’t work at all.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. We have a guarantee on our electronics as these things do happen sometimes, so bring it on in with the receipt and I can exchange it for you.”

Customer: “No, no, it’s not electronic.”

Me: “Oh. What item is it, and how is it defective?”

Customer: “It’s an [item], and it is just absolutely horrible quality. It serves no purpose. It’s just absolute garbage. I want to return it.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but if it’s not defective, I can’t exchange it for you.”

Customer: “Of course, it’s defective! It doesn’t work at all! I spent 40€ on this for nothing. I’m a customer; you have to do something for me.”

Me: “I’m trying to help you, but you need to describe what’s wrong as it doesn’t sound defective to me. Is it too tight or too loose?”

Customer: “It’s not too loose; it’s just horrible. You need to exchange it for me.”

Me: “There’s a difference between something being defective and something not pleasing you. I can’t return something just because you don’t like it.”

Customer: “It’s more than it not pleasing me. There’s something wrong with it. There’s no way anyone can use this.”

Me: “I’ve been selling this item for a while now; plus, everything we order has reliable reviews online. The item presents as described on the box. I can’t get a refund from the manufacturer because it’s not defective.”

Customer: “So, if I cut the tip off and come in saying it’s defective, I can exchange it is what you’re saying.”

Me: “Absolutely not!” 

Customer: “So, what can you do for me? You owe me; I’m the customer here. You need to take a loss and let me have something else. Something better quality. This thing just slips off when I try to use it; this is—”

Me: “Ah, so it is a matter of size, as I suggested. If you’re not big enough, I suggest you go to your doctor about that. I think we’re done here. Have a good day.”

We have just changed our return policy: no receipt, no returns. Of course, we have advertised heavily for months about this change. We have many ways to look up a transaction: phone number, rewards program, credit card, etc. I can even search items and keywords through the computer.

Less than a week after the policy change, this lady comes up to customer service with a lot of stuff. I try ALL of the above-mentioned methods. No luck. I try again. Still no luck.

This lady starts screaming at me.

Customer: “You’re stealing my money! I want my refund!”

I repeatedly tell her there is nothing I can do. Even my manager comes over and tries. No luck.

The manager walks away. I have to go to the other side of the Customer Service desk to help other people.

The next thing I know, I see police in the parking lot. They come in, and the lady starts up again.

Customer: “These people are stealing from me! They refuse to return my stuff!”

I explain why and even try AGAIN with the police there.

Officer: *To the customer* “Ma’am, there are signs all over this counter and the wall stating their return policy.”

I’m trying to hold my breath as I’m watching the realization on her face that they are not going to make me return her items. They tell her to leave and then turn to me and state matter-of-factly:

Officer: “If she refuses to leave, give us a call.”

The look on her face was priceless. I was having a hard time keeping a straight face as she quickly collected her stuff and left.

I used to work at a movie rental store. We would occasionally move movies and games out of circulation and sell them for steeply discounted prices with a policy that didn’t allow for returns.

A customer came in and chose a video game.

Me: “Would you like to check it for scratches and such first to make sure it’s up to your specifications?”

Customer: “Just sell me the game.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Let me remind you before you cash out that we have a zero-returns policy on used games and DVDs.”

Not even two hours later, he came in and started yelling and swearing up a storm.

Customer: “This f****** game won’t work! I want a refund!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there’s nothing I can do.”

He threatened to call the cops, and I shrugged, so he stepped outside to do that. He apparently also called my store manager, who he knew, because she showed up at the same time the police did and gave him a full refund before the police ever got involved.

And I got yelled at, of course, despite the manager being the one so adamant about not allowing returns on used items.

I was fairly glad when we closed down less than three months later.

I worked at a motorcycle dealership for years, and this man came in multiple times attempting to return a $400 leather jacket with tags that he had purchased four years before. We had a thirty-day return policy.

He kept coming back, always friendly but clearly hoping for a different cashier. But over a one-year period — making the purchase now five years prior — the cashiers would just call me up to tell him the same thing, every time.

He eventually gave up.

I work at a store that sells peat moss, soil, and other gardening products. An older lady comes up to the customer service desk.

Customer: “I’d like to return some soil.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have it with you?”

Customer: “No, it’s on my lawn. It didn’t work!”

I just look at her for a moment.

Me: “Um… I’m sorry, but we can’t return that.”