(It’s Halloween and I’ve just answered the door to find a young child, no more than four, dressed in white with blood splatters and with their face painted white. The child’s mum is dressed up with some scary makeup, and the dad has painted bones down his arm like a skeleton. Halloween has only become a celebration in recent years in Australia, so this is a pretty impressive effort.)

Me: *squatting down to the kid’s level* “Hey there! Aw, look at you!”

Kid: *with hand actions* “RAWR.”

Me: “Woah, scary!”

Kid: *looking really worried* “I’m not really scary!”

Me: “Oh, good! Would you like some candy?”

Kid: “Yes, please.”

Me: “You can take extra, too.”

Kid: “THANK YOU!”

(This little kid made my day! They were so cute!)

(Our two storey house has a lot of windows, many of them quite high up, so we use a window cleaning service. We’ve used the same guy every time. One day, he brings a coworker with him. He introduces me to the coworker, who responds to my greeting by saying curtly:)

Coworker: “Yeah, hi. Where are your taps? We need to get started.”

(I’m working in my home office, which is upstairs. I see the ladder resting against the side of the house and our window cleaner ascending it. He gives me a friendly smile and wave and right then, the ladder wobbles and he falls. I race outside and he’s lying on the grass unconscious. I rush into the house for the phone and as I do, I pass the coworker.)

Me: “[Window Cleaner] has just fallen from his ladder; he’s out cold! I’m calling an ambulance!”

Coworker: “You do that.”

(He doesn’t make a move to check on his colleague; he just carries on cleaning. I call the ambulance and rush back outside.)

Me: “Didn’t you hear what I said? [Window Cleaner] has had a bad fall. Why aren’t you checking on him?”

Coworker: “You just said you’d called the ambulance. What do you want me to do about it? Do you want your windows cleaned or not?!”

(I’m not about to stand there arguing with him and I rush round the house to open the gate for the paramedics and to stay with my window cleaner until they arrive. As they are assessing him he starts to come round, but is later revealed to have a broken ankle, a broken collarbone, and a concussion. After the paramedics have taken him away, I go back to the coworker.)

Me: “I think he’ll be okay. They’ve taken him to [Hospital]. Shouldn’t you follow the ambulance or let his wife know or SOMETHING?”

Coworker: *after a long pause in which he just stares at me* “That’ll be $160.00.”

(My hubby and I are watching a family on on [Video Website]. They’re vlogging at their sister’s wedding. The vlogger is dancing with his sister during the father-daughter dance.)

Husband: “Why is he doing that?”

Me: “He walked her down the aisle.”

Husband: “Oh. One of those types of fathers?”

Me: “What?”

Husband: “The type of father that doesn’t come to their daughter’s wedding.”

Me: “I think the father is dead.”

Husband: “Oh, okay! That’s a good excuse.”

(I work in a deli. It is basically closing time, and I am pretty tired.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I have this weird rash. What do I do?”

Me: “Uh…”

(Basically, I spent ten minutes helping a guy with a rash. In a deli. With no medical experience. But lots of salami.)

(This takes place when I am in grade 12. We have exam blocks for the final week of each term. If you have a subject that has exams — not all subjects do — you have to go to sit it, but all the other days you can stay home. I catch a flu in June, which is winter for us, at the end of the second term. It is quite bad, but I get to spend most of the week at home except for when I have my maths exam. I have to walk to the school to take it, so by the time I get there, I already feel quite sick. In the middle of the exam, however, I have a violent coughing spurt, to the extent that I can barely breathe. You’re only allowed your pencil case and water during the exam, so there is nothing I can do except wait for it to pass. Despite teachers patrolling to ensure no cheating, none bother to help me. After about fifteen minutes of solid coughing and hacking, it subsides and I can get on with the exam. This occurs afterwards.)

Me: *to my best friend* “How do you think it went?”

Friend #1: “I think I did okay, but did you hear that coughing during the exam?”

(I didn’t hear anyone coughing aside from myself.)

Friend #2: “I know! It was so loud! It sounded like a dying lawn mower!”

Me: “…”

Friend #1: *laughs loudly*

Friend #2: *turning to me* “Did you hear it?”

Me: *long pause* “That was me; I have the flu.”

Friend #2: “Oh. Well, you sounded like a dying lawn mower!”

(Both friends started laughing. Thanks for the support, guys. I felt horribly sick, could barely breathe, and nearly passed out, but it’s good to know I sounded like a dying lawn mower.)