(I am the customer in this story, calling the phone company to get my “new” phone number changed.)

Me: “I moved not too long ago and had this number assigned to me, but I need to change it. Whoever had this number before me must have been very popular, because I am getting multiple calls per day for them.”

Representative: “Okay. We can do that for you, but there will be a $50 fee to have your number changed.”

Me: “Um, okay, I’m not requesting this just for the fun of it, or because I don’t like my number or what the numbers add up to, or something crazy like that. Like I said, I am getting multiple calls every day for this person, and I need it changed, please.”

Representative: “I understand, but there is a charge associated with changing the number, and it is $50.”

Me: “Again, I am not doing this just for s***s and giggles. Why should I have to pay $50 because you guys stuck me with a phone number that obviously has not been out of circulation long enough for all these people to know they no longer have a valid number? Having to answer someone else’s phone calls multiple times a day is not fun, especially when the person who had this number spoke a different language. I don’t even know if the people who are calling understand what I am saying because most of them don’t understand English!”

Phone Representative: “I am sorry, but the only way we can waive the charges is if the calls were threatening or harassing.”

Me: “Trust me: the calls will get threatening and harassing if you don’t waive your stupid fee and change my number for free!“

Phone Representative: “Umm… Okay… We will change your number, free of charge, for you.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(The most recent firmware update has been reported to wreck a lot of mobile phones by causing a lot of issues. My phone is one of these, and has become unusable. I ring up the phone company on my landline to see if there is anything they can offer me or recommend I do.)

Employee: “Oh, yes. I see. You are correct. The recent firmware update is causing a lot of issues with mobile phones. We can offer you a few options.”

Me: “That’s great! What can you offer me?”

(The employee goes through a few offers, and since I am near the end of my plan, they waive the fee for me to get a new plan and phone. I am one of the lucky ones who is able to get this, as many people who had this issue either just started a new 24-month plan or were in the middle of their plan and couldn’t get much waived.)

Employee: “Okay, can I get a few more details from you before I do this for you?”

Me: “Sure!”

(While she is gathering some details from me, I hear her sniffing.)

Me: *knowing the season* “Hayfever playing up?”

Employee: “No. I’ve been dealing with issues like this all day. You’re the first person not to yell at me or yell abuse at me.”

Me: “Aww. Why would I yell at you? It’s not your fault. Those people who yelled at you are total jerks.”

(I felt sorry for this lady and gave her the best feedback I could give somebody, and I kept reminding her that no matter what people say to her, no issue they are having is her fault. Lady, if you’re reading this, I hope your day got better!)

(I don’t get a lot of calls or messages during the nine-to-five day, so I frequently forget to switch my cell phone to silent. When this happens, I am attending a lesson in school. Suddenly, my phone begins ringing in my backpack. The teacher looks at me, annoyed, so I quickly apologize and reject the call with the phone still in my backpack. While I’m getting it out to switch it to silent, it starts ringing again.)

Teacher: “Go on. Answer it and tell them you’re in class, so I can continue.”

Me: “Okay” *answering the phone* “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk right now. Can I call you ba—”

Caller: *interrupting me* “—am I talking to [My Name]? It’s rather urgent.”

Me: “Okay, wait, please hold a second.”

(My granddad is in the hospital at this time, so I immediately assume the worst. I quickly gather my things and leave the room, with the caller still on line, while repeatedly apologizing to the teacher who looks at me with even more anger.)

Me: *on the phone* “I’m very sorry. Now I can talk. What is it?”

Caller: “Good. I’m calling on behalf of [Cell Phone Provider]. We’re doing a survey about whether or not you’re satisfied with our service.”

Me: “Are you kidding me?! I was, until now, but now I’d very much like to cancel my contract with you. Oh, and please escalate me to your manager!”

Caller: “But… Why?”

Me: “Welcome to [Phone Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. My phone doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, You’ve rung the number to find out who your phone company is currently. Would you like to know who your phone company is so you can report it?”

Customer: *getting angry* “No, I want to know why my phone doesn’t work. There is nothing on the other end, no dial tone, nothing. I can’t make any calls!”

Me: “You would have to report that to your phone company. Do you know who that is?”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: *now a bit confused* “Erm… sorry?”

Customer: “I don’t have a phone company. I found an old telephone in the shed, so I plugged it in to the wall to see what would happen, and I can’t make any calls! It’s a disgrace!”

Me: *rendered speechless* “Erm…”

Customer: “What if I was dying or something ? How would I make a call? The government should do something about it; this is a disgrace!”

Me: “So how are you calling me right now?”

Customer: “On my cell phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you unless you want to know who your home-phone company is, and… you don’t have one.”

Customer: “That’s not good enough! I’m not hanging up until you tell me who I can complain to about this!”

Me: “Madam, as I said before, we are a customer service line to let you know who your current land-line provider is. As you don’t have a land-line, you don’t have a provider. And plugging a phone into a random socket doesn’t mean you automatically have a phone service. With anyone.”

(The customer would not hang up until I gave them the number of ‘someone’ who could fix this. Eventually I gave them the number of the Telecommunications Ombudsman, which she seemed quite happy with. I wonder what THEY made of her call?)

(I work for the phone company as an operator and get this directory assistance call one day.)

Customer: “I would like a number for George [Last Name] in [Town].”

Me: “Under [Last Name] in [Town], I don’t have a listing for a George, but I do have a listing for an Albert [Last Name] and a Brian [Last Name].”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take George’s number.”

Me: “I don’t have a listing for a George but I do have listings for Albert and Brian.”

Customer: “Then give me George’s number!”

Me: “Okay, which George would you like, Albert or Brian?”

Customer: “…”