(The night before, I had received a very scary obscene phone call from someone who proved he knew my name and address, and then made a bunch of very graphic threats of sexual assault. I’d already called the police, who advised me to try to have the phone company trace the call. Unfortunately, I can’t find any kind of customer relations number. I have to call the main customer service number, which has an automated voicemail that won’t let me progress unless I choose from a list about what the call is about. I pick ‘sales’ because I don’t know what else to do and figure it’d be answered fastest.)

Service Rep: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, listen. This actually isn’t a sales call, I just couldn’t find any other number and was hoping you could transfer me. I needed to speak with someone about tracing a call for the police.”

Service Rep: “Um… So, this isn’t…?”

Me: “No. Listen, I know you have a script you need to follow, but this is different. I had this really scary phone call from a guy who made threats. The police told me to call you and have you trace the number. But I couldn’t find a number for that department, only the main number, so I need you to just transfer me. Please don’t bother with the sales stuff, just transfer me to the right department.”

Service Rep: “Wow, I’m sorry to hear that. So, you need me to—”

Me: “I need you to transfer me to the department that handles phone traces. I have the case number from the police department and everything, I just need to talk to the right person. You don’t need to take the number or anything. I’m just kind of shaken up and wanna take care of this. Please, just transfer the call.”

Service Rep: “Okay, I can transfer you. But I don’t get it. You called the sales office.”

Me: “Yes. That’s because I couldn’t find the right number and the main number was all I could dial. I didn’t know what else do to. Please, just transfer me.”

Service Rep: “Okay… but before I do, can I tell you about our new long distance package?”

(I work for a telecom company, which grants me many benefits. I have been receiving a phone calls all day on my cellphone.)

Caller: “Hello, Mr. [Name]! You’ve been with us for over two years and are now eligible for a hardware upgrade!”

Me: *feigning innocence* “Oh, really? What is that?”

Caller: “If you sign a new contract, you can get a new phone. We have much better monthly plans than we had two years ago!”

Me: “Do me a favour. Look at my current plan. What do you see?”

Caller: “Well, you brought in your own device which means that we can get you even more—”

Me: “Wait. What else do you see? What’s my plan?”

Caller: “Well, you are currently paying… $0 a month and have unlimited… everything.”

Me: “That’s right. Now, unless you start paying me to use your service, I don’t think there’s much you can do.”

Caller: “Right. I’m just going to mark you down as ‘do not call.'”

(This occurs roughly two weeks after the 9/11 attack, around the 23rd or so. My husband is in the National Guard and is on high alert. The phone company calls.)

Caller: “Hello Mrs. [name], this is [company] calling to inform you that your service will be disconnected at 5pm tonight for non-payment.”

Me: “What? I mailed it weeks ago! You can’t disconnect my phone, my husband—”

Caller: “I apologize, but we have not received your payment. We will have to terminate—”

Me: “No! I have proof… I have the money order receipt and the ticket from the post office, I always send bill payments registered.”

Caller: “Do you have those transaction numbers?”

(I go to find the receipts and realize why they have not gotten it: I had mailed in on Sept. 10th. I explain this to the lady.)

Caller: “I’m very sorry, but it was due the 13th and we have not gotten your—”

Me: “Listen, lady: there was NO MAIL for days after the 11th… and it’s been backed up ever since! I’m telling you I sent it in and you will get it in another day or two. Like I tried to tell you before, my husband is in the National Guard. His unit is on high alert right now and this phone is the only way they have to contact him if they get called up. If you cut off my phone and he gets called up and doesn’t get the message, YOU will be dealing with the United States government!”

Caller: “Oh… OH! Oh ma’am I am so sorry, I didn’t realize—no, of course we will not disconnect your service. I will make a note of that right now! I’m so sorry!”

(About two hours later, the same lady calls back to tell me they had gotten my money order in the mail that day.)

(Before I was of majority age, my mother (who is happily married) opened a mobile phone contract in her name for me to use. The bill was paid by my own bank account, but I was unable to change the tariff details due to my mother’s name being on the account.)

Me: “Hello, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to change the name associated with this account?”

Worker: “We are only able to do that in the case of the death of the account holder or a marriage. Are you calling today about such a situation?”

Me: “No, but my account is still in my mother’s name, even though I pay for it and use it.”

Worker: “Then I regret to inform you, ma’am, I cannot change the name on the account unless your mother should happen to pass away or remarry.”

Me: “…I don’t think I’ll be getting back to you on that.”

(I work in a call center for a phone company. We often get customers who will say anything to get a credit. This customer is saying that her phone drops calls.)

Me: “According to my troubleshooting flow, your phone appears to be defective. I can offer to replace your phone for free.”

Customer: “No, I’ll take a credit.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot offer you a credit. I can only offer to replace your phone.”

Customer: “Just give me a credit.”

Me: “I cannot give you a credit.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that’s the resolution to your issue. Applying a monetary credit to your account will not cause your phone to stop dropping calls.”

Customer: “Yes, it will!”