(I work as a receptionist at the main office of a big corporation.)

Me: *answering phone* “Thank you for calling [Company], [My Name] speaking. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “I want to speak to [Colleague]; he works in the IT department.”

Me: “Sure, one moment, please.”

(I transfer the call to IT. No more than thirty seconds pass before the phone rings again. I answer the phone with the same dialogue.)

Caller: “Hi, I called before and wanted to speak to [Colleague] in IT, but you put me on hold.”

Me: “I transferred your call to his department. When we transfer calls, you hear music on your end until they answer.”

Caller: “Well, I’m calling long distance and I can’t be put on hold. Just hand the phone over to him.”

Me: “Sir, this is a 1-800 number. It’s toll-free, so you won’t be charged long distance. And I can’t hand [Colleague] the phone because this is a large building and he’s on a different floor.”

Caller: “But I’m in Ohio. You’re wasting my time. Put [Colleague] on the phone now.”

(I transferred the call again and, thankfully, they picked up before he had to wait too long.)

(A coworker of mine is on two separate phone lines with two people: one is an employee from our other office and the other is a client of ours. They are collectively trying to solve an issue, and it’s taking quite a while. My coworker has been off and on hold with the client for almost twenty-five minutes. Finally, she switches the line back to the employee from the other office.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Employee], is it okay if I just give you a call back? I’ve been on hold with them for almost twenty-five minutes now and it might be easier to just get back in touch with you when they have something for me.”

Other Employee: “Could you not? There’s a lot going on over here at our office, and I just don’t want to deal with it.”

Coworker: “…”

(I’m a computer programmer, but I’ve been practicing UFC martial arts since I was in high school. After more than a decade of training, there are certain things you do instinctively when under attack. Our most recent client is a smarmy dude who seems to think he can do whatever he wants because he’s paying us for a program. It should also be noted that I am female.)

Client: “Wow. That’s a nice piece of a** you’ve got there.”

Me: “Yes, all the better to sit on while coding. Do you mind?”

Client: “Oh, okay.”

(The client then whips my chair around and pulls me out of it, grabbing me and pulling me close to him. He probably shouldn’t have done that. My head ducks, my knees bend, and my arms go into fighting stance. Before he can say or do anything else, I’ve grabbed him, kneed him in the solar plexus, and thrown him rather painfully to the floor.)

Me: *angrily* “Don’t touch me!”

Client: *gasping* “What the f*** was that?!”

Boss: *coming around the corner* “Dude, you went after both the hottest and most dangerous woman in the office. You deserved it.”

(The client quit coming by the office after that.)

(I have been working at my new job for about a month. I am heading to the kitchen when I notice our elderly receptionist trying to replace the toner in a printer. I see she is struggling so I offer to help.)

Receptionist: “Oh, thank you. I always have trouble with these big ones.”

Me: “No worries.”

Receptionist: “You’re quite a strong woman, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, I grew up with five brothers. It helps to build muscle mass.”

(She gently squeezes my arm.)

Receptionist: “Yes, nice and buff, like a man.”

(She smiles.)

Receptionist: “Are you one of those transsexuals?” 

Me: “Um, no.”

Receptionist: “Hmm, I think you are. You’re too strong to be a woman. My grandson dresses up like that Gaga woman, and he can barely lift my cat.”

(She smiled again and left.)

The office where I work deals with mail which is sent to other, bigger companies. One of them is a telecoms provider. Some of the letters sent to those are complaints, in some cases very poorly written or with very outdated or weird ideas. They are sometimes handwritten on stationery paper, implying they are sent by very old-fashioned people. One was very interesting.

The person who sent the letter complained — in poor spelling and grammar — about his television signal, “Somtimes words are much softer as if I em not alloud to hear it. What has gotten in to yong peopel dese days? Find the gilty party!’

Several weeks later, I saw another letter, about someone ending his contract with the telecom provider. I wondered if it was sent by the same person, since the letter said, “My t.v. signal was jammed by computer criminals.”

Whether both letters were from the same client or not, it is interesting to note that some people seem to think that cybercriminals jam your TV signal instead of, like, trying to steal your money.