He Had It Comin’

(I’m a computer programmer, but I’ve been practicing UFC martial arts since I was in high school. After more than a decade of training, there are certain things you do instinctively when under attack. Our most recent client is a smarmy dude who seems to think he can do whatever he wants because he’s paying us for a program. It should also be noted that I am female.)

Client: “Wow. That’s a nice piece of a** you’ve got there.”

Me: “Yes, all the better to sit on while coding. Do you mind?”

Client: “Oh, okay.”

(The client then whips my chair around and pulls me out of it, grabbing me and pulling me close to him. He probably shouldn’t have done that. My head ducks, my knees bend, and my arms go into fighting stance. Before he can say or do anything else, I’ve grabbed him, kneed him in the solar plexus, and thrown him rather painfully to the floor.)

Me: *angrily* “Don’t touch me!”

Client: *gasping* “What the f*** was that?!”

Boss: *coming around the corner* “Dude, you went after both the hottest and most dangerous woman in the office. You deserved it.”

(The client quit coming by the office after that.)