(My family owns a small real estate company. About a year and a half before this story takes place, my family’s company merged with a bigger, more well-known company, and therefore, no longer exists. One day, my mother answers this call.)

Mother: “[Bigger Company]. This is [Mother]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “[Bigger Company]? I thought this was the number for [Old Company]!”

Mother: “We merged with them about a year and a half ago, sir. [Old Company] no longer exists, but we are still the same people. Can I be of assistance?”

Caller: “NUH-UH! I can tell you, I am sitting here, looking at [address] right now, and there is an [Old Company] sign in front of it with this number!”

(This man continues to insist, so my mother takes down his contact info and says she will investigate it. She calls her coworkers and asks if there is any possibility they have that address for sale with an [Old Company] sign still there. One of her coworkers even tells her he drives past there a couple times a week and there’s no sign there at all! Finally, she calls the man back.)

Mother: “Sir, I have done some investigation, and there is absolutely no [Old Company] sign still at that address.”

Caller: “Yes, there is! I’m looking at it right now on Google Earth!”

(I manage a small music store that’s one of nearly 150 locations nationwide. I’m standing next to one of my coworkers as he takes this call, and can hear most of what the caller is saying. My coworker fills me in in the rest afterward.)

Coworker: “Good afternoon. [Music Store]. This is [Coworker].”

Caller: “Can I talk to the owner?”

Coworker: “Uh, my manager’s here, if you want to talk to her.”

Caller: “Put me through to the owner.”

Coworker: “We’re one store in a large corporation. I can give you the number for our corporate office, but I can’t get you the owner directly.”

Caller: “Well, who’s in charge of your sign?”

Coworker: “Our… sign?”

Caller: “On your door. I was driving by and saw your sign, and I don’t like it. You’d get more business if you had a more regular sign.”

Coworker: “Um… Okay. Is there anything else I can help you out with? Something I can put aside for you?”

Caller: “No, I was just calling about your sign.”

(Our business is primarily geared toward music students, so our logo uses a fun, jazzy font. The sign on my store is black and red on white, backlit, and similar in size and brightness to all the other stores in our shopping center. I have yet to figure out what makes it stand out, or what this caller even meant by “regular.”)

(I’m an assistant manager for a discount retail store, and my cashier calls me up to the register. A customer is standing there with a huge box. At this particular discount store customers can place online orders that can be shipped to their homes or to their nearest store.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I ordered this a while ago and it’s been sitting in my house. I don’t need them anymore. I want to return them.”

(I see the box has a shipping label meaning it was sent to her home. If it was sent to us, I could quickly look it up in our computer and do the refund, but because it was sent to her house, I have to call the online order customer service.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Unfortunately, I am not able to do the refund because it is an online order. Do you have you invoice number with you? I have to call—”

Customer: *calm demeanor completely changes from calm to almost a frustrated sadness* “I don’t have the time! I was in the hospital for a while and almost died! I don’t even have a computer. Just sell it to whoever!”

(The customer starts walking away, and I try to stop her from leaving so I can try and get her a refund.)

Me: “Ma’am I can help you out; just give me a minute!”

Customer: *as she is almost running out the door* “I don’t have the time! My daughter is in labor! I have to go!”

(My cashier and I just stand there and exchange a, “Did that just happen?” kind of look.)

Cashier: “What the h***?”

Me: “I know. Never a dull moment here.”

(Fortunately, I was able to get the customer her refund. Too bad she didn’t stick around long enough to find out.)

(Most of us in our small office just use our coffee maker, but it’s broken and will take a couple of days to replace, so we’re taking turns buying coffee on the way in for the group. Today is my turn, and this happens while I’m in line at a donuts-and-coffee chain.)

Customer: “Tall double-double.”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Tall double-double!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but I don’t unders—”

Customer: *loudly, but not quite shouting* “TALL. DOUBLE. DOUBLE.”

Cashier: “Sir, that doesn’t sound like anything we serve.”

(At this point I’m about to step in, having figured out what he means, when the guy slaps himself on the forehead.)

Customer: “Large, double sugar, double cream.”

Cashier: “Oh! I’m sorry; I should have figured that out!”

Customer: “Yeah, sorry, I’m just so used to stopping by [Other Chain] every morning, but the local one’s closed for renovations. Guess I’m a creature of habit.”

(He gets his coffee and leaves without any more fuss, and I step up and place my order.)

Me: “I wonder how long it will take him to realize there’s another [Chain] a block away?”

Cashier: “Shh! With any luck he’ll realize our coffee’s better and cheaper!”

(To be fair, it WAS cheaper, though “better” is highly subjective, depending on how strong you like it!)

(I get a voicemail stating the IRS needs to speak to me about a matter of unpaid taxes. I see the number and decide to call it back for some fun. I’m a federal law enforcement officer for the Department of Justice.)

Me: “Hello, I just got a voicemail that the IRS needs to speak to me about an important matter?”

Caller: “Yes, can I have your full name and date of birth, please?”

Me: “Sure.” *provides it*

Caller: “Okay, I have your info here and I must let you know I am a federal agent for the US government; my name is Agent Brown. You filed your taxes wrong, and there is now a lawsuit against you in the sum of 5,000 USD. You have to pay it back, and if you do not, then in the next 45 minutes all your bank accounts will be frozen, a warrant for your arrest will be issued, and officers will be at your home to arrest you. All in the next 45 minutes.”

Me: “Wow, really? Five thousand USD and a warrant will be issued for my arrest? On what charges will the warrant be issued? I would like to know what I am being charged with.”

Caller: “Sir, it is a lawsuit that you have to pay; that is what the warrant will be issued as.”

Me: “Well, to have a warrant, you have to have a court hearing, file the charges in the court, have the judge sign off on the warrant, and then execute the warrant. So, again, what am I being charged with?”

Caller: “If you do not pay, your bank account will be frozen and you will be arrested.”

Me: “Okay, lady, let me introduce myself to you. My name is [My Name]. I am a federal law enforcement officer for the Department of Justice, so if you’re going to be impersonating a Federal Agent and what not, you might want to stop now before I report this number. I also know this is a scam.”

Caller: “You’re a federal law enforcement officer? If so, what is your ID number?”

Me: “My badge number?”

Caller: “Your ID number.”

Me: “My badge number is [badge number].”

Caller: “What is your work extension for your phone?”

Me: “Lady, I’m not giving you my work number. You have called my cell phone so, look, this is a scam. Stop calling me.”

Caller: “You are a liar. I know you’re lying because you will not give me your extension number for your work. You need to pay this money or get arrested.”

Me: “Okay, lady, then come arrest me. I will be in uniform since I am heading to work. Also, I am taking this number with me and doing a back trace on it to find out where you’re from.”

(Then I hung up. Guess what? I was never arrested. I bought my lunch about a hour later, and guess what? My account was not frozen.)