This Is Literally Costing You Blood

, , , , | Healthy | March 31, 2019

(It’s my second time selling my plasma. The tech who got me hooked up the first time is floating around but isn’t the one to hook me up this time. I hear them talking about how many jabs it took them and how fast the machine is pulling blood out of me this time.)

Me: “You’re making me sound like a science experiment.”

Tech: “You are.”

Me: “Touché.”

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Not Even A Fifty-Fifty Chance Of Working

, , , , | Legal | March 10, 2019

(I’ve just checked out a couple who used part food stamps and part $50 cash to pay. I give them their change — about $2 — and they leave. I’m ringing out the two older women who were behind them when the woman from the couple walks back up.)

Woman: “I dropped a $50. Did anyone find it?”

(The older ladies and I both look around and see nothing, and we all tell her we didn’t see a thing.)

Woman: “Well, can I see the cameras to see if anyone took it?”

Me: “No. You are going to have to call the police and file a report, and they will watch the cameras.”

(The woman suddenly looks deflated, and I can instantly tell she thought I would sputter under pressure and maybe just hand her $50. She walks away and goes to another cashier within earshot of us, changing her story to, “The cashier never gave me my $50 in change.” The other cashier also tells her to call the police. She leaves again, defeated. I look at the two older ladies and shake my head.)

One Of The Older Ladies: “That was the most pathetic attempt at a scam I’ve ever seen.”

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Time To Tell Them The Hard, Black Truth

, , , , , | Healthy | January 31, 2019

(My flatmate has been seeing a doctor for heart palpitations and has had to do a number of things to troubleshoot it, including wearing a portable heart monitor. One evening we are hanging out in the kitchen.)

Me: “Didn’t the cardiologist say you have to cut down on caffeine?”

Flatmate: “Yeah, so I stopped drinking coffee.”

Me: “How many cups of black tea have you had today already, though?”

Flatmate: “Six. Why?”

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Don’t Cross Him

, , , , , | Legal | January 30, 2019

There are areas near where I live where walking paths cross across the street, with large bushes on either side that make it impossible to see if anyone is standing and waiting to cross until you are pretty much right on top of the crossing. For this reason, I slow down every time I approach these crossings, just in case someone is waiting there and decides to start crossing without checking. This has proven wise several times, including in this incident.

I was approaching the crossing, slowed down as usual, and then had to slam on my brakes when three guys came hurtling down the path and into the road in front of me. No attempt to check, and no way they could have seen the road to tell if it was clear. The car approaching from the other direction hadn’t slowed down and ended up having to swerve partway into my side of the road to keep from hitting the guys, who waved their arms and shouted a bit at the car.

At this point, rather than pulling back into his lane and moving on, the other driver put his car in park, jumped out, and chased the three guys off onto the path and out of sight. This left me and a couple of other cars that had been coming the other way stuck there with this car partially blocking both lanes. I inched forward a bit to see if I could get around, but there wasn’t enough room. I’d just reached down to pull out my phone and call 911 about the car blocking the road when the guy came back. He then proceeded to flip me off, climb into his car, and rev his engine, before swerving back into his lane and peeling out, almost clipping my car in the process.

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Gelato-No-No

, , , , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

(I’m a cashier at my store’s café section, which includes a ten-item-or-less register near the gelato case, coffee bar, and hot food heating tables. A woman comes up.)

Customer: “I want ice cream!”

Me: “Well, we have gelato there…”

Customer: “I don’t want gelato; I want ice cream!”

Me: “Well, we have ice cream in our freezer section?”

Customer: “I want it prepared for me in a dish!”

Me: “You could get a spoon; people buy containers of it and eat them in here all the time.”

Customer: “I want ice cream, now!”

Me: “Ma’am, the closest thing we have to that is gelato, which is like ice cream.”

Customer: “See? Was that so hard?”

(She goes to the gelato counter. My supervisor is now on the next register, counting the change inside. She gives me a look that says, “What the heck?”)

Customer: *irate still* “You lied to me! You said you had ice cream, and she told me you didn’t!” *pointing to the girl behind the counter* “How dare you?!”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, she didn’t tell you we have ice cream in our gelato case. That’s what you wanted to hear. Now, either buy some of the ice cream we do have or leave.”

Customer: “You just lost a customer! I knew I shouldn’t have come in here! I knew you’d hire stupid people who can’t afford college!”

Supervisor: “If you’ve never bought anything from us, you’re not really a customer, yet. I’m not giving you that chance, though. Please leave the store.”

(With a huff, she walks away.)

Supervisor: “So, what just happened?”

Me: “I don’t even know anymore.”

Supervisor: “So, break time?”

Me: “Definitely.”

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