You Need Something? Shoot!

, , , , , , , | Working | October 2, 2017

(I manage a chocolate shop. I have the weirdest, but most upbeat employees ever. One night, three police men walk in with full gear on.)

Head Police Officer: “We need to ask you a question.”

(One of my employees and I do the wide eyed “Oh, crap; which law did I break!” look.)

Me: “Sure. What’s up?”

Head Police Officer: “We are running a shooting drill in a week, and we need volunteers for it. You would just pretend to be running around or shot.”

Me: “THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!” *I stop and clear my throat.* “I’ll ask my employees and get back to you. Free samples?”

(All of my employees stayed late or showed up on their day off to do it. We didn’t get paid extra, but it was wicked fun to trade roles, calling 911, acting dead, or running and screaming through the mall.)

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Why Did The Rubber Chicken Cross The Road?

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2017

(I have been experiencing Internet outages all day, and once a snow storm hits, there is nothing. I call to double check if there are any other problems in the area.)

Tech: “Thank you for calling [Service Provider]. This is [Tech]. How may I help you?”

Me: “My Internet is out, and I was wondering if there were any outages in the area.”

Tech: “I can certainly check that for you. Give me a moment…” *brief pause* “It seems there are only a handful of people who are without connection, so I don’t think it is an area issue. What is the modem doing?”

Me: “Well, it’s odd. All the lights are on as if it were working, but I definitely can’t access any websites.”

Tech: “Okay. Just a few questions for you to determine this isn’t the router. Do you have any baby monitoring devices in the house?”

Me: “No.”

Tech: “Do you have any new remote devices at all?”

Me: “No.”

Tech: “Is your home built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground?”

Me: *giving my fiancé a twisted face and giggling* “No.”

Tech: “Okay, then. I’m going to ask you to unplug the router from the modem so I may check the connection on our end.” *gives me instructions* “And don’t forget to stand on one leg while holding a rubber chicken. Most people forget that.”

(We go through a few more steps, the results of which are baffling him, because his system says there’s no connection, but my equipment says otherwise.)

Tech: “I knew it… you didn’t hold the rubber chicken.” *sigh* “Nobody ever listens.”

Me: *trying not to lose it, I giggle more* “You sure there aren’t any other outages? The storm outside is pretty bad.”

(A short conversation reveals he is in Louisiana and had no idea there was a storm.)

Tech: “Even though the storm may have something to do with it, I’m not ruling out the possibility of an ancient burial ground. However, I am going to recommend we replace your modem.”

(We set up an appointment for the next day.)

Tech: “I would like to thank you for calling [Service Provider], and for being patient with both the troubleshooting and my sense of humor. Have a good night.”

(I stay on the line to wait for the automated survey to give him an excellent review. I hang up and finally let my laughter go. Both my fiancé and roommate look confused. I tell them about the conversation.)

Fiancé: “I would have liked to hear his reaction if you told him you held a rubber duck instead.”

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Karma Tastes Like Nachos

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2017

I’m at a famous taco-themed restaurant and have just beaten the dinner rush. A boy and girl come in and get in the end of the line and immediately start moaning and complaining about how long it is taking.

The employees are fairly efficient, so they get to the front of line in just a few minutes. They order, and then stand over to the side and start complaining some more about how long it is taking.

Maybe ten minutes after they walked in, they get their food and turn to get a table. The guy is carrying the tray, and he ends up tripping on his own feet, and splatters the tray, with an open bowl of nachos, all over the girl. Karma!

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He’s Got This Scene Nailed

, , , , , | Working | June 5, 2017

(I am stage managing a rehearsal, and the lead actor has come in with some form of food poisoning. Because we’re close to opening, he has decided to tough it out instead of going home, but he has been spending most of the time he’s not onstage in the bathroom. At this point in time, I’m rounding up the actors to run the final scene, in which this actor’s character dies.)

Me: “Hey, [Actor], are you going to be able to run this scene?”

Actor: “Which scene are we doing now?”

Me: *not thinking, on autopilot* “You’re dying.”

Actor: *looks up at me, completely deadpan* “I’m well aware of that fact. But which scene are we running?”

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Shame They Can’t Steal Some Intelligence

, , , , , | Learning | May 29, 2017

Being a naive freshman, while standing in front of my locker, I remove my purse in order to put my coat on, after which I plan to put it back on over the coat. First Big Mistake. I look away for a moment. Second Big Mistake. My purse is now gone.

Approximately three days later, I enter my English classroom. The teacher is standing there holding a very familiar object. My purse. Apparently, the thief decided to bring it to class, stuck it under her chair, and forgot about it.

After the class, the teacher recognized it as mine. Apparently, no one else he taught had one made of black denim with a GameBoy Advance inside. Oddly, despite having had the time to remove and/or sell the contents, nothing inside had even been touched.

Yes, there were thieves at my high school, but they happened to be idiots.

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