Being a naive freshman, while standing in front of my locker, I remove my purse in order to put my coat on, after which I plan to put it back on over the coat. First Big Mistake. I look away for a moment. Second Big Mistake. My purse is now gone.

Approximately three days later, I enter my English classroom. The teacher is standing there holding a very familiar object. My purse. Apparently, the thief decided to bring it to class, stuck it under her chair, and forgot about it.

After the class, the teacher recognized it as mine. Apparently, no one else he taught had one made of black denim with a GameBoy Advance inside. Oddly, despite having had the time to remove and/or sell the contents, nothing inside had even been touched.

Yes, there were thieves at my high school, but they happened to be idiots.

(A father and his young daughter are gift shopping the day before Mother’s Day. They are bickering back and forth the entire time, and I assume it is playful… until it gets to the register.)

Me: “And your total is $[total]. Do you need a bag today?”

Dad: “No, we don’t.”

Girl: “Actually, we do.”

(Clearly angry about being contradicted, he straightens to his full height of just over six feet and glares at his daughter, who immediately cows.)

Dad: “Excuse me? How old am I?”

Girl: ‘F… f… forty-one.”

Dad: “And how old are you?”

Girl: “Eh… eh… eight.”

Dad: “And who’s in charge?”

Girl: “Muh… Mommy.”

(Dad’s anger lasted less than a half-second after that. He slumped and wordlessly handed me his credit card with a look of defeat and resignation.)

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Pet Clinic]. How may I help you today?”

Client: “My dog is due for its dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper? We can set up an appointment for that.”

Client: “Yes, dismemberment. I need my dog to get his dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper.”

Client: “How much is the dismemberment shot?”

Me: “The distemper vaccine is [vaccine]. Would you like to set up an appointment for your dog to receive the distemper vaccine?”

Client: “Yes, please. I would like you to dismember my dog.”

(I hear this conversation in my checkout line.)

Customer #1: “Oh, my God, I love that nicotine gum! It makes my mouth feel all numb.”

Customer #2: “You know that stuff’s going to get you addicted to cigarettes, right?”

Customer #1: “Nah! That stuff gets you un-addicted to them and I don’t smoke. I’m fine!”

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(This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison are THE biggest event of the year. My store has many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I am at my cash register for check-out when a customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, some make-up, pantyhose, condoms, and lube on my register.)

Me: “Okay.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!” *runs out*

Me: “?!”

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