(I work as hotel security. We get a call from a guest saying he wants to see me.)

Me: “Hello, sir, I’m Officer [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Guest: “Hey, I found these gloves on the floor in the hall.” *points to six winter gloves*

Me: “Okay, I can take those to lost and found.”

Guest: “No, I’m really upset. I mean, why would anyone leave gloves outside my door like that?”

(This is a new one.)

Me: “Well, somebody might have dropped them, or they left the gloves at the wrong room.”

Guest: “I want you to call the police. With everything going on, I’m really upset about this.”

Me: “Really? They’re… The police aren’t going to come for some gloves. I can take them to lost and found, but…”

Guest: “No, I want you to call the police.”

(Policy is to contact our patrol before the police, and this is too stupid to not share. On the way over, the responding officer says I need to be more of a d**k.)

Patrol Officer: “Hello, sir, what’s the problem?”

Guest: “Well, I found these gloves outside my door, and I want to call the police.”

Patrol Officer: “They’re not going to come. If you call them, they will laugh at you. We can take the gloves to lost and found, but otherwise there’s nothing else I can do.”

Guest: “No, I’ll keep them. Good night.”

(Later, I got a call from a police officer. The guest went ahead and called them. The cop asked if I had it under control, and laughed when I told him I had everything in hand. I called the guest back, just to tell him the police were not going to respond to his call about gloves. I offered to take them off his hands again, but he insisted on holding on to them. I guess he thought that if they were dangerous, he was better trained or equipped than law enforcement.)

(Because it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, my college has been having a number of related events. I’m sitting in the Veterans’ Lounge when one of the SAAM coordinators walks in, intending to inform us about an interestingly-named presentation/Q&A panel.)

Coordinator: “Hey, we’re having Sex In The Dark right now if you want to come. There’s snacks! Bye.”

(As soon as she left, everybody burst into laughter at how poorly-phrased her invitation was, but hey, at least it was memorable.)

(I have worked retail with this company for two years, and during the holiday season it’s all hands on deck. We have blackout dates we aren’t allowed to request off. In October, I am promoted to a new position which includes full-time. Sadly, two months later, at the beginning of December, my grandfather passes away. The funeral is in Illinois, so I let my department manager know I’ll need bereavement for the three days to travel the four hours down, attend the wake and funeral, and travel back.)

Department Manager: “Now’s not really a good time.”

Me: *unable to reign in my sarcasm, due to my shock* “I’m sorry my grandpa picked an inconvenient time to die!”

(She waves it off with a halfhearted apology. The next day, she and the store manager pull me out of my department to talk.)

Store Manager: “So, [My Name], I looked at the policies, and you actually only get bereavement if you’ve been full-time for 90 days. You haven’t been, yet, but we’re going to work with you. We can give you one day, even though it’s blackout.”

Me: *very relieved* “Oh, thank you so much!”

(I figured it wasn’t ideal, but I took off at four in the morning to be sure to get there in time for the wake. I left the funeral and cleanup around 7:00 pm, to get in around 11:00 pm, to prepare for work the next morning. Later, when I was looking at policies for something different, I found I had been lied to. The bereavement policy referred to “full-time employees who have completed 90 days of employment,” NOT “full-time for 90 days.” As I had been working there two years, this meant I was more than eligible for the bereavement. I don’t ever think I’ll quite forgive her for not allowing me the time I needed and was entitled to, giving me the most stressful funeral, just to cut down on time I was away during the holidays.)

(I’m finishing up with a very normal sales call when suddenly everything changes.)

Customer: “You have a nice voice. I can tell you’re a beautiful woman. How old are you?”

Me: “I’m 21. So, we have your set up date as [date]. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Are you married?”

Me: *lying* “Yes.”

Customer: “You should leave him and marry me. I can tell you’re a nice girl. I’ll be at your work tonight with flowers, waiting.”

Me: *standing up and flapping my arms at management across the room* “That’s very nice of you, but please, don’t. I’m going to transfer you to the confirmation line now.”

Customer: “You will be my bride!”

Me: “Have a great day.” *transfers*

Manager: *runs up* “What happened?”

Me: “I need an escort to my car in an hour.”

Manager: “Why?”

Me: “Remember that crazy person who said he would shoot up the building last month? This is worse.”

Manager: “A bomb?!”

Me: “Forced marriage.”

Manager: “S***. [Coworker]! Can you walk [My Name] to her car? You’re bigger than me!”

(And yes, Crazy Marriage Guy did show up an hour after I left. Security left the flowers at my cubicle. This is why I said it was worse. Angry people say they will kill people all the time, willy-nilly. Really crazy people try to marry you.)

(I am visiting my friend at her new house for the first time. There is no parking, so she says to call and she will show me somewhere to park then I get there. I pull over and call, and then start driving to our meeting space, which is a jewelry store. As I’m pulling in, a cop car turns on its lights. I stop, wait about two minutes, then try to get out to see what is going on.)

Officer #1: “Get back in your vehicle!”

Me: “Ah! Sorry!”

(I’m a woman, 5’7”, and 110 pounds. I’m not exactly threatening-looking. Another cop car shows up.)

Officer #2: “Licence registration and proof of insurance!”

(I hand it over. My license is paper because it is being replaced.)

Officer #2: “What’s this?”

Me: “My license is being replaced because I misplaced it in Israel.”

Officer #2: “What were you doing there?”

Me: “Visiting family, sir.”

Officer #2: “What are you doing here? Why were you pulled over back there?”

Me: “I’m meeting a friend. I pulled over to call her. Look: she’s texting now!”

(The text says, “How did you get surrounded by police in five minutes?!” I wait for them to process my info.)

Officer #1: *walks up* “Here. We will let you off with a warning.” *walks away*

Me: “For what?”