Compassion Is Dying

, , , , , | Working | March 14, 2018

(I have worked retail with this company for two years, and during the holiday season it’s all hands on deck. We have blackout dates we aren’t allowed to request off. In October, I am promoted to a new position which includes full-time. Sadly, two months later, at the beginning of December, my grandfather passes away. The funeral is in Illinois, so I let my department manager know I’ll need bereavement for the three days to travel the four hours down, attend the wake and funeral, and travel back.)

Department Manager: “Now’s not really a good time.”

Me: *unable to reign in my sarcasm, due to my shock* “I’m sorry my grandpa picked an inconvenient time to die!”

(She waves it off with a halfhearted apology. The next day, she and the store manager pull me out of my department to talk.)

Store Manager: “So, [My Name], I looked at the policies, and you actually only get bereavement if you’ve been full-time for 90 days. You haven’t been, yet, but we’re going to work with you. We can give you one day, even though it’s blackout.”

Me: *very relieved* “Oh, thank you so much!”

(I figured it wasn’t ideal, but I took off at four in the morning to be sure to get there in time for the wake. I left the funeral and cleanup around 7:00 pm, to get in around 11:00 pm, to prepare for work the next morning. Later, when I was looking at policies for something different, I found I had been lied to. The bereavement policy referred to “full-time employees who have completed 90 days of employment,” NOT “full-time for 90 days.” As I had been working there two years, this meant I was more than eligible for the bereavement. I don’t ever think I’ll quite forgive her for not allowing me the time I needed and was entitled to, giving me the most stressful funeral, just to cut down on time I was away during the holidays.)

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The Kind Of Person Who Puts The Shotgun Into “Shotgun Wedding”

, , , , , | Right | March 12, 2018

(I’m finishing up with a very normal sales call when suddenly everything changes.)

Customer: “You have a nice voice. I can tell you’re a beautiful woman. How old are you?”

Me: “I’m 21. So, we have your set up date as [date]. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Are you married?”

Me: *lying* “Yes.”

Customer: “You should leave him and marry me. I can tell you’re a nice girl. I’ll be at your work tonight with flowers, waiting.”

Me: *standing up and flapping my arms at management across the room* “That’s very nice of you, but please, don’t. I’m going to transfer you to the confirmation line now.”

Customer: “You will be my bride!”

Me: “Have a great day.” *transfers*

Manager: *runs up* “What happened?”

Me: “I need an escort to my car in an hour.”

Manager: “Why?”

Me: “Remember that crazy person who said he would shoot up the building last month? This is worse.”

Manager: “A bomb?!”

Me: “Forced marriage.”

Manager: “S***. [Coworker]! Can you walk [My Name] to her car? You’re bigger than me!”

(And yes, Crazy Marriage Guy did show up an hour after I left. Security left the flowers at my cubicle. This is why I said it was worse. Angry people say they will kill people all the time, willy-nilly. Really crazy people try to marry you.)

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A Warning For A Warning

, , , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(I am visiting my friend at her new house for the first time. There is no parking, so she says to call and she will show me somewhere to park then I get there. I pull over and call, and then start driving to our meeting space, which is a jewelry store. As I’m pulling in, a cop car turns on its lights. I stop, wait about two minutes, then try to get out to see what is going on.)

Officer #1: “Get back in your vehicle!”

Me: “Ah! Sorry!”

(I’m a woman, 5’7”, and 110 pounds. I’m not exactly threatening-looking. Another cop car shows up.)

Officer #2: “Licence registration and proof of insurance!”

(I hand it over. My license is paper because it is being replaced.)

Officer #2: “What’s this?”

Me: “My license is being replaced because I misplaced it in Israel.”

Officer #2: “What were you doing there?”

Me: “Visiting family, sir.”

Officer #2: “What are you doing here? Why were you pulled over back there?”

Me: “I’m meeting a friend. I pulled over to call her. Look: she’s texting now!”

(The text says, “How did you get surrounded by police in five minutes?!” I wait for them to process my info.)

Officer #1: *walks up* “Here. We will let you off with a warning.” *walks away*

Me: “For what?”

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Don’t Do Coke, Kids!

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

Customer #1: “What kind of soda products do you have?”

Me: “Coke.”

Customer #1: “I’ll have a Pepsi.”

Customer #2: “Dude, she just said they have Coke products.”

Customer #1: “Isn’t Coke a Pepsi product?”

Me: “Coke is Coke.”

Customer #1: “Okay. Cherry Pepsi, please.”

Customer #2: “Me, too.”

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You Need Something? Shoot!

, , , , , , | Working | October 2, 2017

(I manage a chocolate shop. I have the weirdest, but most upbeat employees ever. One night, three police men walk in with full gear on.)

Head Police Officer: “We need to ask you a question.”

(One of my employees and I do the wide eyed “Oh, crap; which law did I break!” look.)

Me: “Sure. What’s up?”

Head Police Officer: “We are running a shooting drill in a week, and we need volunteers for it. You would just pretend to be running around or shot.”

Me: “THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!” *I stop and clear my throat.* “I’ll ask my employees and get back to you. Free samples?”

(All of my employees stayed late or showed up on their day off to do it. We didn’t get paid extra, but it was wicked fun to trade roles, calling 911, acting dead, or running and screaming through the mall.)

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