(I’m doing a return on an item the customer claims is defective or damaged. In this case, the item is one of our battery-operated candles. In the case of a damaged item return, we’re supposed to test it out to make sure the issue isn’t due to operator error. The customer is watching.)

Customer: “Your candles are terrible quality. None of the ones I buy ever work! Which is a shame because they’re so pretty, but I’ve tried changing the batteries multiple times. It never works! I left the batteries in to show you.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

(I toggle the on/off switch, and sure enough, the candle doesn’t work, so I open up the battery case and find the problem.)

Customer: “I should complain about the terrible quality; your company should be ashamed of such poor products!”

(I demonstrate the problem, and the customer breaks off mid-rant and slinks out.)

Manager: “What was that about? What was wrong with the candle?”

Me: “She put the batteries in backwards.”

(A student offers to clean the board for the teacher, who gives her a sponge to wipe it down.)

Teacher: *handing her the sponge* “That sponge is real; it was made from a live sponge.”

Student: *shrieking* “It’s ALIVE?!” *throws the sponge on the floor*

Teacher: “No, it’s not alive!” *student picks up sponge* “It used to be.”

Student: *shrieking* “IT’S DEAD?!” *throws the sponge back on the floor*

(I am working in the concession stand where we offer free refills on large popcorns on the same day of purchase. A customer approaches and takes an old popcorn bag out of his jacket pocket.)

Not-So-Sneaky Snacker: “Can I get a refill?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only offer refills on popcorn for the same day of purchase.”

Not-So-Sneaky Snacker: “I bought this today.”

Me: “Sir, I know that’s not true. That’s not the bag we’re currently using, I just saw you come in from outside, and you are literally the first customer of the day.”

(He opened his mouth as though to argue, but instead just slunk away in defeat. A few months later, he was permanently banned for defrauding the theater’s rewards program, and for sexually harassing one of the managers.)

(I am dressing as Mrs. Peacock from “Clue” for Halloween, and my costume isn’t complete without a small toy revolver, so I search online and find one at a good price from a seller only about 100 miles from me. Per the seller’s policies, he usually ships items within three business days of order placement, but sometimes needs up to seven days to ship the item. In either case, the package should take only two or three days to arrive, even by basic postal service. On the 19th, I receive an email from the seller with the package tracking code and the following note:)

Seller: “Your package was shipped a few days back. Here is the tracking information. Have a great day!”

(“A few days back” is ambiguous, but it sounds well within his policy and therefore “on time.” However, when I get home that afternoon, the package has not arrived, nor does it arrive the following day. Or the next. OR the next. The whole time, the package tracking shows the same status message:)

Status Message: “Pre-Shipment Info Sent to USPS, USPS Awaiting Item”

(It seems the seller has created the package profile with the post office, but hasn’t yet given the package to a postal worker to begin processing. On Sunday the 23rd, one week after I ordered the item, I contact the seller:)

Me: “Please send out ASAP. I ordered this well enough in advance to accompany a Halloween costume for a party this coming Friday, October 28th. Columbus to Cincy isn’t far; it should take no more than two to three days to arrive, but I’ll get it in time only if you ship it by tomorrow, Monday, October 24th. If you cannot manage to get it in the mail by close of business tomorrow, please let me know by canceling the order and issuing a full refund so that I can seek an alternative that will deliver in a timely fashion.”

Seller: “Hello, your package is indeed in the US mail system and on the way to you. The post office is always a day or more behind scanning updates. Some updates are as late as five days. Thank you for your patience. Have a good day!”

(Yes, he is placing the blame for the package’s delay on the post office! Magically, the very next day, the tracking status changes:)

Status Message: “Accepted at USPS Origin Facility.”

(Two days later, on the 26th, I finally had my costume accessory. However, the seller got his very-well-deserved negative feedback posted to his account about his slow service and blatant lies!)

(The shopping center my store is located in is doing a special Halloween event for children where they can go trick-or-treating in the different stores. I am manning the bowl of candy, which my manager has taped a sign to asking customers to please leave the candy for the children. An older customer has come up to me.)

Customer: “Oh, candy!” *she reaches in to grab a piece*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but would you mind leaving it for the children? We’re running low ,and the event’s supposed to last another couple hours.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s all right. I’m just going to look around for a bit.”

(She moves away, and I turn back to giving out candy to a group of children who’ve just entered. A few minutes later, I hear a rustling sound behind me and turn to find the customer from before reaching in and grabbing a huge handful of candy.)

Me: “Ma’am, could you put that back, please?”

Customer: “No!” *smiles, shoves the candy into her bag, and leaves*

Me: *speechless*