Bad Jokes Make A Good Customer

, , , | Right | August 7, 2013

Me: “Keep in mind, sir, these items are a three day return!”

Customer: “Well, I don’t think I will wait three days in line just to return some shirts.”

Me: “Haha, very clever, sir. However, do not worry; I wouldn’t make you wait three days. But if they don’t fit right when you get home, bring them back to me within three days so we can get you a refund.”

Customer: “And you know what? I was eating at a fast food joint the other day. I noticed on the door in the bathroom it said that employees must wash hands. So I stood there and stood there, and no employee ever came in to wash my hands. I really didn’t think it was good service.”

Me: “Thank you, sir; that made my day.”

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The Grapes Of A Customer’s Wrath

, , | Working | March 12, 2013

(My friend is putting on a New Year’s party, so we’re at a liquor/party store looking for white wine and party hats. She goes to one register while I go to a different one to pay for some cards.)

My Friend: “Just the wine and hats, please.”

Cashier: “ID, please.”

(My friend searches her purse but realizes that she’d left her ID at home after changing wallets.)

My Friend:  Sorry, I don’t have mine. I’ll just buy the hats and get the wine later when I have my driver’s license on hand.”

Cashier: “We can’t sell you any alcohol if you don’t have ID. If you try to use your little fake one at home, we’ll destroy it.”

My Friend: “My ID is real, but at this point, I just want to buy the hats.”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

My Friend: “But I don’t want to buy the alcohol now.”

(This goes back and forth for a bit. After I’ve paid for my purchases, I walk over to her register.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Cashier: “I’ll tell you what’s going on! Your little friend here is trying to get me fired by selling her alcohol with no ID!”

My Friend: “I’ve told her several times after finding out my ID is at home. I just want to buy the hats.”

Me: “But you still won’t sell her the hats?”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

Me: “But she’s not wanting to… never mind. Please bring up your manager.”

(The manager comes over, but instead of resolving the situation, the continuous loop of “No ID” and “I just want the hats” keeps going on. My friend is close to crying when I decide I’ve had enough. I’m normally very nice and don’t cause trouble, but I pick up the wine bottle and drop it. The bottle breaks and the wine is everywhere.)

Manager: “You’re paying for that, you little snot!”

Me: “That’s fine. While I’m paying, can I also get these hats that my friend has been trying to buy WITHOUT the wine, I might add, for the last few minutes of this pointless transaction?”

Cashier: “Smarta**!”

(And with that, the cashier finally rang up the hats and the cost of the wine. We never went back there!)

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His Opinion Carries No Weights

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2013

(My friend and I are both overweight, so we decide to start going to the gym to lose weight and get in shape for the first time in our lives. She is a bit self-conscious and is hesitant to go at first because she is afraid others will stare. After a couple of weeks, she stops worrying because most people at our gym go about their own business. We’d never had a problem until one day, when she is jogging on the treadmill.)

Rude Member: “Hey, fat b****! Why don’t you get off the treadmill before you break it?”

My Friend: *stops jogging* “What?”

Rude Member: “Get the f*** off the treadmill! Your fat a** is going to break it! Let someone who weighs less than Shamu use it! Just go away and take up space at [Fast Food Restaurant], where you belong.”

(My friend, looking like she’s about to cry, steps off the machine.)

Rude Member: “You fatties are a waste of space! You just eat everything in sight and lounge about, getting fatter, and then you complain about your weight. Why don’t you ever do something about it?”

My Friend: “Excuse me?! You just told me to get my fat a** off of a treadmill, where I was exercising, and go to [Fast Food Restaurant]. Then you have the audacity to tell me that I only sit around eating and not doing anything to lose weight? Get the h*** out of my face, you f***ing jerk!” *gets back on her treadmill and resumes jogging*

Rude Member: “I hope they charge you double when you break the machines, you cow!” *stomps away*

(Later, I saw the manager tearing up the rude member’s gym membership right in front of him. The manager had been informed of the whole incident by several other members!)

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Not Sooted To That Service

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

(A customer calls asking if we would come and inspect her chimney, as there is ‘an animal’ inside it ‘scratching around.’)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re not equipped to do that. If you like, I can suggest a local exterminator. Once the animal is gone, we’d be thrilled to come by and find how it’s been getting into your chimney and plug up the hole.”

Caller: “No, you’ve come out here and done this before. A couple times. I know you guys do this.”

Me: “Ma’am, we just don’t have any resources to remove live animals from chimneys.”

Caller: “But, if you come sweep it, won’t the animal come out? Like, when you clean?”

Me: “Well, yes, it may, but, if it comes out, it will be in your living room and it will be very angry and covered in soot.”

Caller: “Oh. What was that other place you mentioned again?”

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Did A Number On This One

, , , , | Right | November 17, 2010

(I am calling a customer.)

Me: “May I speak to [Customer], please?”

Woman: “He’s not here.”

Me: “This is [My Name], with [Phone Company]. I am calling to remind you that your phone bill was due on the fifth and is in danger of being disconnected. Can you tell me when you will be able to pay it?”

Woman: “How did you get this number? It’s unlisted!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the phone company. We gave you this phone number.”

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