(At the store where I work, we are currently selling black LED tea-lights for Halloween. They are fairly small and come packaged in boxes of four.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Manager], I found this sitting in one of the aisles.”

(She comes to the register carrying a shopping basket with a box of Halloween tea-lights. The box has clearly been tampered with and one of the lights is missing.)

Manager: “You found it like this? Did you see the missing light nearby?”

Coworker: “No, I checked the shelves, though. No loose lights.”

(We ponder this for a moment, inspecting the box. The packaging has been torn open and the cardboard tray the lights sit in has been pulled apart; someone clearly yanked the tray out and stuffed it back in.)

Me: “So, you’re telling me this person went to all this trouble to steal just the one tea-light?”

Manager: “Looks that way.”

(I work at a fairly high-end home furnishings chain. A woman comes into the store and I go to greet her.)

Customer: “Hi. I was wondering if you would replace a chair I bought here. I got it home, and two weeks later, it broke.”

Me: “All right, which chair was it?”

(She describes a popular chair style, which is made of highly durable reeds, loosely woven into the bowl-shaped seat.)

Customer: “Yeah, my kids were jumping on it, and then it broke.”

Me: “…”

(Here’s a tip: if you want the store to replace your expensive chair, maybe don’t let slip that it only broke when your children were using it as a trampoline.)

(We are changing the layout of our store.)

Old Woman: *sweetly* “Excuse me, dear. Do you know where the paper towels are? These changes are really confusing.”

Me: “I fully understand. Aisle eight, two down from here.”

Old Woman: “Thanks.”

(A few minutes later, I see her wandering around, looking ticked off. Suddenly…)

Old Woman: *tilts head back, screaming to the ceiling* “WHERE IN H***’D THEY HIDE THE TATER CHIPS?!”

(I backed into an aisle and couldn’t breathe for several minutes, I was laughing so hard.)

(We have a lot of issues with third-party reservations at the hotel. We encourage people NOT to book with them because they’re going to screw it up one way or another eventually. This is one of those cases. The guest is not irate with me by any means; she knows the fault is with the third party, but she decides she is going to yell at this person over the phone in my lobby like it is that individual’s fault. She’s cursing and using racial slurs because most call centers with third-party agents are overseas. We have children in the lobby. So, I address her on the issue — I hate racists — very calmly because yelling back at her doesn’t do anything but make it worse.)

Guest: “I want to speak with your manager!”

Me: *points to the manager on duty sign, with my name under it*

Guest: “Well, I want to speak with corporate! Give me their number!”

Me: *gives her the number*

Guest: “You’re in for it now!”

(She gets on the phone with corporate, in front of me, on speaker as if their answer to this is going to surprise me, and of course, they call me to get my side of it. She’s getting pretty frustrated because no one seems to be on her side.)

Guest: “Look. I was referring to the incompetent people with [Website].”

Corporate: “Ma’am… a [racist slur] is still a [racist slur], no matter who it is directed at or intended for. We at the [Hotel Corporation] cannot condone that behavior, and now your status is put up for review to revoke your membership with [Hotel Company] entirely.”

Guest: “THAT’S BULLS***! All this over me calling someone a ‘[slur]’?”

Corporate: “Ma’am… my mother is one of those [slurs] you are referring to.”

(And that’s the first time this particularly well-known hotel brand insisted that I kick someone out of the hotel. They did not have to tell me twice.)

(I am a teacher, taking kindergarteners on a trip to the pumpkin patch. On the way there, we pass a castle that is well known in the area. The bus full of kindergarteners is very excited to see it. A student turns to me:)

Kindergartener: “Why is there a castle here?!”

Me: “Well, someone just decided they wanted to build a castle.”

(The student turns to look out the window and see the castle again, then turns back to me. I’m expecting another question about the castle.)

Kindergartener: “I wish I was a transformer!”

(Well, that’s pretty cool, too.)