I am waiting in line for sports cards at my local [Store]. It is right after open, about 7:15. There are about five of us in line standing adjacent to the women’s clothes because that’s where they stock the cards. None of us are wearing blue vests, yellow vests, or anything that looks remotely professional or remotely like a [Store] uniform. And we all have our own carts, we have hats on, one guy has a tiny camping chair… I cannot stress how little we look like we are on the clock at [Store].

A guy comes up.

Guy: “Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt your coffee break, but where are the little girls’ panties?”

I process, probably slowly, that a grown man just loudly asked another grown man where the girls’ panties are.

Me: “Uhh, I don’t know. There are swimsuits right over there, I guess. Probably somewhere around there.”

Guy: “Okay, thanks.”

The rest of us look at each other like, “Wow, that was a bold question.” Another five or ten minutes go by, and the guy comes back.

Guy: “Hey! I never found them. How do you not know where they are?”

Me: “Why would I have any idea where the girls’ underwear is?”

Guy: “Well, you work here, don’t you?”

Me: “No, man, none of us work here, obviously. Why would you think that?”

Guy: “You’re all standing here in the woman’s section.”

Me: “No, we don’t. Sorry.”

He walked off, grumbling and waving his arms. We all obviously knew he was not a pervert… probably. But we thought it was odd to have a guy with a beard ask, completely unabashedly, where the little girls’ panties were. And how hard is it to find them, honestly? You find little girls’ clothes, and they’re around there.

About ten years ago, my friend and I go into an electronics store so he can look at a TV he preordered. I’m wearing a black “Slayer” T-shirt and some jeans. As my friend is waiting in line at customer service, I decide to wander around a bit. I am looking at the fridges, bored, when a man in his mid-forties walks up to me.

Man: “Can you help me buy a stove?”

Me: *Politely* “Oh, I’m sorry. I cannot help you. I don’t work here.”

I go back to just looking at some freezers when I hear the man cough really loudly.

Man: “Hey, boy, I said I need help. Do you want your commission or not?”

Me: “I don’t work here, man.”

I wave my hand around at my shirt.

Man: *Super angry* “How about I go get a manager?”

I have had it with this guy.

Me: “Yeah, go grab him. Maybe he can help you. Your head is so far up your a** that my voice must be muffled; I DON’T WORK HERE! I am not even remotely dressed as an employee, bro!”

He leaves and I wander over to the gaming section. A burly man in a blue [Store] shirt and [Man] come walking over.

Employee: “Umm, is everything okay over here?”

Man: “See? That’s the guy. Not such a tough guy now since I got your boss, huh?”

Employee: “Umm, sir, I’m not his boss. He doesn’t work here. He has a Slayer T-shirt on; that should have been a dead giveaway.”

Man: “But he looks like an employee!”

Employee: “Nope, not even close.”

Man: “Well, what are you going to do for me?!”

Employee: “How about this? I don’t remove you from the store for harassing another customer and you can finish shopping without further trouble. Is that doing something for you?”

The guy glared at me for forever until the employee gave up and asked him to leave.

While in a store with my wife, I head over to the electronics section to browse around and wait out a husband’s slow death of “I just need a few things”. There is a girl there that I am guessing is in high school since she has a high school sweatshirt on that’s the same color as the store’s colors. She is looking at cell phone cases when a middle-aged man walks up to her and asks her to get the key to a display case for the gaming consoles. I was not paying attention to either of them until I heard, “Excuse me.”

This girl is five foot nothing in a sweatshirt and jeans. The guy is close to six feet tall and dressed in business casual and is very confident in himself. He doesn’t even suspect how outmatched he is with this kid.

Girl: “I don’t work here.”

Man: “Then why are you behind the counter?”

Girl: “I am not behind the counter.”

Man: “You are by the counter straightening inventory, so you’d better help me or I will get your manager.”

I start to go over to help the kid out, but there is no need. The girl turns to face the man.

Girl: “I am looking for a specific case for my [phone], so are you going to help me or not?”

Man: “Wait, what? I don’t work here.”

Girl: “Neither do I.”

The man keeps demanding something of the girl, and then she demands something from him, and it ends the same way every time.

Man: “I don’t work here.”

Girl: “Neither do I.”

This goes on for a couple of minutes and the girl pulls out all the stops. The man will say something, and she comes back with a sick grandbaby, her son lost his job, her dad is dying of cancer, her mom was in an accident, her daughter is getting married, etc. She must have five parents and ten kids, and the whole time, this guy just keeps going. They threaten to have each other fired so many times it is head-spinning.

As he gets mad and moves closer to her:

Girl: “Six feet, or I will tell your manager you are violating your store’s distancing policy.”

He backs up a little.

Man: “I don’t work here.”

Girl: “Neither do I.”

That happens twice!

The woman working electronics comes out and asks what the problem is, and they both try to have each other fired. She tries to say that neither of them works here and finally says, “I don’t get paid enough for this stuff,” and leaves them to it. A manager comes up behind me and looks at the scene.

Manager: “Really?”

He finally tries to intervene but can’t get a word in edgewise. It ends finally with both of them saying at the exact same time, “I don’t work here.” “Neither do I.” Think Abbott and Costello, “Who’s On First?”

The man looks back and forth between the girl and the manager.

Manager: “Out of the three of us, I am the only one that works here. Now, how can I help you?”

Girl: “Where are the [phone] cases?”

The manager points to an aisle.

Girl: *Pleasantly* “Thank you.”

She absolutely bounces over to the aisle without a care in the world. The manager turns back to the man.

Manager: “And you, sir?”

The man stammered for a minute and finally, sheepishly, explained what he needed.

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I help an elderly lady at the grocery store grab something from the top shelf. After she goes on her merry way, I turn around and see a woman just glaring at me.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, you can! I’m looking for whole milk chocolate milk, but all you have is 2% chocolate milk! Why don’t you have whole milk chocolate milk?”

Me: “I’m not sure why they don’t have whole chocolate milk, but an alternative is buying regular whole milk and some chocolate syrup.”

Woman: “You expect me to pay more for your failure to stock whole chocolate milk?! You are trying to rip me off! Where is your manager?!”

Me: “I don’t work here, but even if I did, how would this issue be at all my fault?”

Woman: “If you don’t work here, then why were you helping that woman just now?”

Me: “Because I was just being helpful.”

Woman: “Bulls***. You work here and you are trying to rip me off!”

So, at this point, logic isn’t working.

Me: “Look, if it wasn’t for the secret elves that live inside my spleen, I’d gladly help you find your milk, but sadly, they don’t take days off and I really don’t want another egg soup incident again. So, if you will excuse me, I have a plane to catch.”

I spread my arms, turned around, and made airplane noises as I quickly walked away. She was left there speechless.

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I was doing my weekly grocery shop and was in the canned vegetable aisle when I heard a quiet “Excuse me” behind me. I turned around and there was an older woman easily under five feet tall.

Me: “Yes, ma’am? Can I help you?”

Woman: “I can’t find the tomato paste. Can you show me where it is?”

I knew it was two aisles over with the pasta sauce, and I knew it was on the second shelf from the top and that she would never be able to reach it, so I walked her over and grabbed it for her.

Me: “Is there anything else you need help with?”

Woman: “Yes!”

She showed me her list. I proceeded to walk around the store with her and take her to the items she needed. When we were done:

Woman: “I’m going to ask for the manager to tell them how helpful you’ve been and what a kind lad they have on hand!”

Me: “Oh, I don’t work here. I’m just getting my shopping done.”

I had not taken my cart into the aisle with me as I needed a can just a couple of shelves in.

Woman: “Why did you help me shop, then?”

Me: “We all need to help each other. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

When I went to check out, I saw her in the parking lot. She pulled the tomato paste out of her bag and shook it in the air as she waved at me and gave me an ear-to-ear smile. 11/10, would help her shop again.