In my days of glorious retail, I worked at a well-known UK electronics store. In training, we were always told to take each customer on “the journey”. This meant talking to them and finding out what they wanted, what their issue was, and how we could provide a “solution” for it. In layman’s terms, we needed to find something that we could charge them ridiculous amounts for; 90% of the time, it could be purchased cheaper somewhere else. In the old days of retail, everything was about giving as much discount as necessary to make the sale, often giving things away to sweeten the deal, and making a fair amount of commission. A lot of customers still have this mindset, unfortunately.

I had a customer wanting a washing machine, a Dyson vacuum, a forty-inch LED TV, cables, and delivery. He was not taking the cover (extended warranty) on any product. To the bosses, this meant a less desirable sale as there was not much profit in it.

At the end of the sale, the customer came to me.

Customer: “So, what price are you going to give me for all of this?”

I looked at him and openly said:

Me: “I may be able to get you about £15 off, but that is about all.”

The man looked shocked.

Customer: “What?! I expect at least £100 to £150 off. If not, just give me the Dyson for free!”

In that moment, most people in customer service would do everything to help the customer. I, however, just laughed in his face. He acted confused, and I explained that I didn’t get commission, just a salary and bonus on performance. He walked out, saying he could get a better deal at a now-defunct retail chain.

Two weeks later, he came back in, saw me, and said he wanted those products. I did the order again and he scoffed at the price.

Customer: “Why has it gone up £35?”

Me: “Some of those items were previously on a deal that has now ended.”

Of course, he complained, but he was told to pay or just go away. I happily took the sale with the classic customer service smile.

Caller: “I bought one of them TVs off of you because my old one broke. Now I’m turning it on and I get nothing on the screen! I’m missing my football!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, sir. What brand is your TV?”

Caller: “It says, ‘HP.'”

Me: “Sir, that means Hewlett Packard. That’s a computer monitor, not a TV.”

Caller: “But it’s a screen, ain’t it?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s not a TV. It’s just designed for computers.”

Caller: “I don’t get it! It’s a screen! I should be able to turn it on and see the football!”

Me: “Not all screens are TVs, sir. Some are designed to work with computers only. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you get a TV signal on the monitor all by itself.”

Caller: “But… it’s… a screen!”

Me: “Sir, there are lots of devices with screens that are not TVs.”

Caller: “Then what’s the point of making them if they’re not TVs? All screens should be TVs!”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t help you, sir.”

Caller: “D*** it! I’m missing my football! Wait, I got one of them… them sat-nav thingies! Can that play TV?”

Me: “It’s probably not a design feature to allow drivers to watch TV while driving, sir.”

Caller: “But… it’s a screen!”

He did not get to watch his football.

I work in the print section of a rather large electronics superstore. A lady brings in her laptop.

Customer: “Can you print an email off for me?”

She boots it up but then gets angry because her Internet isn’t working.

Me: “Ma’am, you will need to connect to our store Wi-Fi to work.”

Customer: “No, that makes no sense! I don’t have to do that at home! You must have done something to my computer to delete my Internet!”

Me: “Ma’am, I haven’t even touched your computer.”

She pushes her laptop toward me.

Customer: “Fine, you do it, then!”

I connect her to our store Wi-Fi. Oh, God, her computer is a mess. Her desktop is completely covered in icons. I give it back to her so she can get to her email.

Customer: “See, this is my Internet. I told you!”

This victory is short-lived, as she doesn’t know where her email is.

Customer: “Usually, it’s automatically on there!”

Me: “What email do you use? Gmail? Yahoo? Hotmail?”

Customer: *Looks at me like I’m stupid* “Why does that matter?”

I have several other customers waiting on me, so I mess around on her bookmarks, hoping that it’s on there somewhere. Thank God, it is! I connect her to the email site.

Me: “Just enter your password.”

Customer: “What password?”

After a few botched password guesses, she decides to call her son to ask him. I help the other customers while she does this. I come back and she gives me the correct password. I get into her email. She doesn’t remember which email it was. I’m going one by one in her inbox. Nope.

Customer: “It was from a few months ago.”

I have to sift through three months of spam to find it. It’s a f****** EXPIRED spa coupon. I point out that it’s expired.

Customer: *Waves it off* “Just print it out.”

Then, the Windows update thing pops up. I ignore it while I’m trying to print the file.

Customer: “What are you doing? You can’t ignore that!”

She pulled the laptop toward her and pressed update, which required it to shut down. No, she didn’t postpone it for “four hours” She did it for right now.

The computer turned off, and she turned it back on and let the 100-plus updates proceed. She was there for at least another hour letting it update before giving up and leaving. She didn’t even get her coupon.

It is Friday evening at my part-time job at an electronics store. A woman around sixty who looks a little drunk approaches me at the front of the store.

Customer: “A year ago, I bought a TV here, and I got [Plan] protection. It was recently stolen, so you guys have to replace it.”

Me: “Sorry, [Plan] is a protection plan against damage or technical issues, not an insurance or replacement plan.”

Customer: “You are honor-bound to replace it!”

Me: “…No, sorry, but we are not.”

She then wanders over to the technical support desk and tells them the same thing; they give her the same response. I’m watching her on camera, as I’m pretty sure she is drunk. She eventually wanders back up to my desk, where my manager is now talking to me. She points at a large poster of a woman listening to music.

Customer: “What is that a picture of?”

Manager: “…a woman listening to music.”

Customer: “What is that a picture of?”

She points at a poster of a guy using a laptop.

Manager: “…a guy using a computer.”

Customer: “You work at this store, so you should know that TVs and monitors look at your face, and they read your mind, and they memorize all of your personal information. But when they try to read the minds of pictures, they cannot, and they break, so you need to replace all those pictures of people with pictures of robots.”

Manager: *Trying to be political and boss-like* “Well… I appreciate that feedback, and we will certainly—”

Customer: *Cutting off my boss* “No! You must replace the pictures with pictures of robots, now!“

Manager: “We are not going to do that.”

Customer: “You have to!”

Manager: “No.”

The woman wandered off, and she eventually got in her car and drove off. We ran out to get the license plate so we could call the police.

A lady comes in with her pre-teen son.

Customer: “I bought my PC about a year ago, and my son plays games on it. Recently, it has been starting to smell like a burning metal. It’s gotten significantly heavier since we purchased it. Can you look at it?”

Me: “Absolutely. Come back in at about three or so.”

I open up the PC. As soon as I open it up, quarters and loonies (dollar coins) fall out of the computer. About a hundred coins fall out of the computer.

Also, the computer warranty is now voided because they did some… “shell modifications”, but we’ll get back to that in a second.

The customer comes back.

Customer: “Is it ready?”

I explain the situation. I also explain that the shell modifications (some holes have been cut into the shell) void their warranty.

Customer: “My son plays some free games all the time on our computer. It says to insert coins for extended play, so we did. After about a week, we got the same message, so we figured the coins weren’t getting to the game people.”

I’m guessing they tried a free trial of a game and the trial ended.

Customer: “So, my husband cut out the slots at the top of the computer so that they can be transferred.”

At this point, I want to facepalm so badly.

Me: “Ma’am, these ‘coins’ are virtual. You can’t insert real coins into the computer; that can damage the system.”

I told her she needed to purchase a new GPU/CPU/board because the coins jammed the fans and caused everything to melt. It sounded like an engine revving when you turned it on.