Me: “Thank you for calling [Grocery Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought peanut butter! Now I don’t know what to do with it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You had peanut butter on sale: buy two, get one free. I bought the two and got one free, and now I have nothing to do with it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not the fault of the store.

Customer: “What do I do with it?!”

Me: “Put it on a sandwich?”

Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in two tablespoons of peanut butter? 200! 200 calories!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what to do with your peanut butter.”

Customer: “I don’t care! If you don’t tell me what to do with it right now, I’m going to complain to your manager and have you fired!”

Me: “Ma’am–”

Customer: “What do I do with the peanut butter?!”

Me: “I don’t know, make cookies with it? Give a jar to a friend? Donate to a homeless shelter?”

Customer: “Are you crazy?! I paid good money for this stuff. I’m not going to just give it away. YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT!”

This story is part of our Customers Who Dislike Charity roundup!

Read the next Customers Who Dislike Charity roundup story!

Read the Customers Who Dislike Charity roundup!

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering what is currently showing at the moment?”

Me: “Well, the current production is Timon of Athens.”

Customer: “Oh? Is that another sequel of The Lion King? Can I book seats for that?”

Me: “It’s a Shakespearean tragedy. It’s not about lions.”

Customer: “Oh, so it’s just about the meerkat?”

This story is part of the Theater roundup!

Read the next Theater roundup story!

Read the Theater roundup!

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m having a problem with your automatic ticket machines. It won’t let me buy children’s tickets.”

Me: “Okay, what movie did you want to see?”

Customer: “Final Destination 3D.”

(I look at the customer’s children, who can barely see over the counter.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take your children to that movie. They’re too young.”

Customer: “What the h*** do you mean?! They’re my children!”

Me: “How old are they?”

Customer: “Six and eight.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you understand how gory it is. A man’s guts get sucked out and then explode in the air! Could I recommend a different movie for you?”

Customer: “No! I’m going to see this movie with my kids!”

Customer’s Husband: “Their favorite movies are Saw 1 and Saw 2!”

Me: “Well, they still can’t go. It’s illegal.”

Customer: “Nothing’s illegal to do with your children!” *storms away with husband and kids*

This story is part of our “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup!

Read the next story in the roundup!

Read the “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup!

Customer: “I get to drive my own buggy, right?”

Me: “Yep. Of course, you are guided, but that’s only because the instructors know where the cliffs are. You’ll be chasing one.”

Customer: “A guide? I’ll be chasing a guide? What if he goes over a cliff?”

Me: “Well, they always keep groups away from the cliffs.”

Customer: “But what if I want to go over a cliff?”

Me: “If that’s the case, I don’t think we can take a check for your damage deposit.”

This story is part of our bad driver roundup!

Read the next bad driver roundup story!

Read the bad driver roundup!

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at eight in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolted out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

This story is included in our Candy roundup!

Click here to read the next story!

Click here to read the Candy roundup!