After a forty-minute in-depth presentation entitled “Pay Per Click Activity.”

Me: “…and that’s all the pay per click activity we have run this month.”

Client: “Looks great. But how do we get paid?”

Me: “It’s pay per click.”

Client: “As in…”

Me: “We get paid per click.”

Client: “I’m not getting it.”

Me: “I’ve attached four different options for the cover page. Please let me know which one you prefer so I can purchase the relevant stock image. I’ve provided the cost of each image below for your convenience. Thanks.”

One week later:

Client: “Yes… I like the images.”

Me: “If you want a custom Christmas e-mail template, it’ll take at least two billable hours.”

Client: “We don’t want to pay extra. Can’t you just add a snowy background?”

Me: “It’s a bit more complicated than that. I’m sorry, but I do have to charge by the hour.”

Client: “No. Why don’t you spend a couple of hours figuring out how we can do this for free.”

Me: “You want me to sit here for a “couple hours” to figure out a way you can get me to work for a couple of hours for free?”

I sent the project manager a spreadsheet filled with edits and tracked defects.

Client: “Oh, look at all the nice red and greens. Such nice Christmas colors, very festive of you!”

Me: “Thanks, ’tis the season. But the red means there’s a problem, and the green are values that need to be filled in.”

A client going through a rough time owes me almost $4000. I have tried many things to get paid. I even stopped being nice and took him off my Christmas Card list. Well, it hasn’t stopped him from sending me one. And this year’s takes the cake. It said, and I quote:

Client’s Christmas Card: “TIDINGS OF JOY In gratitude for our association with you, we’ve made a monetary gift to Courage Center in your name.”

Seriously?