QWERTY Makes Me Go ASDFASDF

, , , | Right | January 25, 2008

Library Patron: “I need some help comparing heating prices.”

Me: “Okay, let me show you a website where you can compare the different gas companies.”

(I lead the patron to computer, and type in the website address.)

Me: “Here you go. Just type in your information.”

Library Patron: *looking at the keyboard* “These letters are all mixed up!”

Me: “Uh, well…”

Library Patron: “Have they always been like this?”

Me: “Only since the 1800s. Here, let me do the typing.”

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Focal Discrimination

, , , | Right | January 17, 2008

(I’m working at the cigarette counter. I wear glasses.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

(Customer is clearly not from this country and speaks in broken English with a thick accent.)

Customer: “Glasses!” *points at my face* “Glasses!”

Me: “You like my glasses?”

Customer: “No glasses. No glasses!”

Me: “You don’t like my glasses.”

Customer: “Not you. No glasses.”

Me: “Not me? No glasses? You want someone without glasses?”

Customer: “Yes. No glasses!”

(I look over at another cashier and a nearby register who heard everything and have her switch with me. Meanwhile, everyone around us is cracking up laughing.)

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Oh, Mary Jane

, | Right | January 17, 2008

(I swear this lady was high as a kite… She had this crazed-out look and talked in this very airy voice. She comes up to register with a large pile of towels and turns to the lady checking out beside her.)

Customer: “Wow! I love your purse! It would go with my shiny blue shoes, and my black jacket, and those cute Capri pants in my closet!”

Other Customer: “Uh… thanks?”

Customer: *turns to me* “You know, I have to keep changing the bathroom colors. I like the spring colors, but you know, Angel keeps peeling the paint off of the wall behind the toilet so I keep telling her Uncle Rico is going to have to repaint the bathroom if she keeps doing that…”

Me: “Okay… well, I hope you enjoy your towels.” *hands her the receipt* “Thank you and have a nice day.”

Customer: *eyes grow wide as she sprawls the receipt out* “WOW! This receipt is so… LONG! It’s so… BIG! And there are so many ITEMS on it!”

(She continued to stand at my register fawning over the length of the receipt for a good five minutes before she left.)

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Proof That God Is A Chinese Lady

, , | Right | January 16, 2008

Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there! They’ll arrest me!”

State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!”

Me: “Well, you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.”

Patient: “NO! The Chinese lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!”

Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.”

Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!”

Me: “Don’t worry; we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.”

(We get to the hospital.)

Me: *to my partner* “Oh, my God, his nurse is Chinese.”

Patient: *as we walk away* “STAY AWAY!”

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Think Unsexy Thoughts

, , , | Right | January 7, 2008

Elderly Female: “I didn’t know they had digital scales.”

Me: *rings through scale* “Yup, they’re pretty cool.”

Elderly Female: “Are they accurate?”

Me: “I believe so, they measure to one decimal place too so it’s more accurate to read than a normal scale.”

Elderly Female: “Oh that’s so lovely! I’m going to go home now and weigh myself naked!”

Me: *bad bad image in head*

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