(I’m checking out another patron’s books. Suddenly, a customer screams and points at me, in the process elbowing another patron out of the way.)

Library Patron: “WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP OFF THE STOVE?!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m helping someone right now….”

Library Patron: “You let it get all FATTY on the top!”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

(The library patron begins to cry.)

Me: “Why are you crying?”

Library Patron: “I don’t know, cuz dads are microwaving their kids and s***!”

Me: “…”

(A woman walks in totally nude and grabs a muffin. She has a large, rather offensive tattoo from her bottom rib up her neck.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t just take those…”

Nudist: “Why, because of the tattoo?”

Me: “No, because you need to pay for it first.”

Nudist: “It’s a free country!” *walks out*

(I ended up pulling out my wallet and paying for it myself because getting arrested for chasing a nude chick down the street is not worth it.)

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(It is the early 1970s. I make a key for a guy who lost his car keys in the mall parking lot.)

Me: “Well, that will be $10.00 for the key and labor, but another key will be only 79 cents.”

Customer: “Ah, no, man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(A week later, same deal. I have to go out in the rain and make the same guy another key.)

Me: “Well, I’m sure that now you will get an extra key?”

Customer: “Ah, no, man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(I could spot a trend, so I made another key anyway and hung it up in the shop. Over the next six months he was back a dozen times. Each time I just copied the key hanging in the shop and charged him for the lock-work and the key. He never bought a second key. I guess the weed finally got him.)

(I work in an uppity part of town where the e-shoppers come out of their yuppie caves to shop.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a question.”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: *points at a popular movie puzzle with a picture of a child playing with said puzzle* “Is the kid on the box part of this puzzle?”

Me: “Um…what?”

Customer: “Well, if the kid is part of the puzzle, I don’t want it. He has nothing to do with this movie.”

(At this point I turned around and walked to the back room where she couldn’t get me.)

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Customer: “I’d like a Chicken Kiev pizza, without chicken, garlic or sweetcorn. And throw some ham on there.”

Employee: “So, you want a ham pizza?”

Customer: “Yeah, why not.”