(When special order books come in, we call the customers, but we don’t normally say the book’s title over the phone. A man came in one day to pick up his special order — some book about 9/11.)

Customer: “I have a complaint about my order.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “When the woman called me, she said the title of my book in the message.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is that a problem?”

Customer: “Well, you see, the government’s tapping my phone. I don’t want them to know that I know what they’re up to.”

Me: “Um… okay, sir. I’m sorry about that. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

Me: “Would you like a bag, sir?”

Customer: *starts laughing* “No, thanks. I’m not that paranoid!”

This story is part of our crazy customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

Read the next roundup story!

Read the roundup!

(A customer purchased a copy of a popular antivirus program. About 2 hours later I received a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just bought an [Antivirus Program] from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “What about it isn’t working? Did you install the program?”

Customer: “It’s not interfacing with my system.”

Me: “Not… interfacing? I’m not sure I understand what the problem is.”

Customer: “I set the box next to my computer, and it’s not doing anything at all. Nothing is happening on my computer! This program is defective.”

Me: “Um… well, you have to open the box and insert the CD into your computer, then install the program, before it will run.”

Customer: “WHAT?! How do I do that?”

Me: “…”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “How far are you from Las Vegas?”

Me: “233 miles.”

Caller: “So that’s about what, an hour, hour and a half?”

Me: “Only if you drive about 230 miles an hour.”

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

Read the next Terrible At Geography roundup story!

Read the 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

(One day, a courier came in to drop off a check. I was using one of our pens to sign it.)

Courier: “Hey, that’s a really nice pen!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

Courier: “Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to steal it!”

Me: “Ha… okay…”

Courier: “No, for real. I don’t steal things.”

Me: “That’s… good?”

(By now I’ve finished signing, but she isn’t leaving.)

Courier: “My best friend once accused me of stealing her check. Her $300 check!”

Me: “Um… that’s too bad.”

Courier: “We aren’t friends anymore. I mean, I make that much money in a DAY! You hear me?! I drive around MILLION-dollar checks. Why would I steal her stupid tiny check?”

Me: “I don’t know…”

Courier: “I let her move into my basement. I told her it was only $500 a month. Isn’t that a great deal? Isn’t it?!”

Me: “Yeah, sounds good…”

Courier: “And how does the little b**** thank me? She accuses me of stealing her money! When I can steal ANYBODY’S million-dollar checks! So you know what I told her? I told her to get the f*** out of my basement!”

Me: “…”

Courier: “Now I hear she’s on drugs. What a winner. Not like you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You wouldn’t accuse me of stealing, would you?”

Me: “Um… no.”

(I notice a female customer shoving a few acne treatments into her purse.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss; you’re going to have to pay for those.”

Customer: “For what?”

Me: “For the treatments you just shoved into your purse.”

Customer: *sounding offended* “I did no such thing!”

Me: “Fine. Will you please show me there aren’t any stolen items in your bag?”

Customer: “No! You’re only doing this because I’m ugly!”

Me: “…what?”

Customer: “I can’t believe an ugly person can’t go out into public anymore without be accused of stealing!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’m never coming here again! *storms out, setting off the alarm and alerting security*

Coworker: “Maybe we should have just let her have them.”

This story is part of the Thieves Getting Caught roundup!

Read the next Thieves Getting Caught roundup story!

Read the Thieves Getting Caught roundup!