(On our self-serve copiers, the customer must press a button on the screen indicating whether or not they’re finished copying. If they press “YES” they receive a receipt to take to the cashier.)

Customer: “I’ve never used these before!”

Me: “Not to worry, it’s really easy.”

(I proceed to give her the rundown, including telling her not to press the “YES” button until she’s done with all of her copying for this visit. The customer proceeds to make one copy and press “YES”.)

Customer: “What? I don’t want a receipt yet!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you just told it you were done making copies. Next time, press the ‘NO’ button if you still have more to make.”

(The customer proceeds to make another copy and presses “YES”.)

Customer: “Stupid machines!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you aren’t done, you should press ‘NO’.”

Customer: “I know! I know! I know! I know what I’m doing! I’ve just never used this machine before!”

(I finally gave up trying and went back to my work. She eventually came up to my register with over a dozen copy receipts, complaining how stupid the machines were.)

Me: “You have [amount] available on your debit card.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, make the past not happen.”

Me: “I wish I could!”

Customer: “Yeah, especially ’cause I just broke up with my girlfriend.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Customer: “After three years!”

Me: “Oh, that’s tough. Well, keep your chin up.”

Customer: “Yeah, she called me while she was having sex with some other guy.”

Me: *speechless*

Me: “Sir, is there a reason you write five checks to yourself every month?”

Customer: “It’s to make the five transactions each month so I avoid your maintenance fee. It’s a hassle.”

Me: “I see. Well, you could also just use your debit card at stores five times a month or make ATM withdrawals instead of writing the checks. Those all count as well.”

Customer: “I can’t do that.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My debit card doesn’t work.”

Me: “I can look at it for you.”

Customer: “No, it works. It just doesn’t work the way everyone else’s does.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “My debit card only works at Gulf gas stations and nowhere else.”

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “My card isn’t like anyone else’s. My card is different.”

Me: “Sir, your card should work anywhere you present it. Why do you think it’s not the same?”

Customer: “Because I’m a deadbeat loser on unemployment and can’t find a god-d*** job!”

(I am dusting and organizing a shelf when someone comes up and punches me in the back really hard, twice. So hard, in fact, that the wind is knocked out of me. I turn around and there’s a man I’ve never seen before.)

Customer: “Oops… sorry! Thought you were someone else!” *walks off*

(My coworker runs over to me to see what’s going on.)

Coworker: “Did he just hit you? What was that about?”

Me: “Yeah… he said he thought I was someone else.”

Coworker: “Why don’t you go sit out back for a minute and maybe have some water? I’m going to go tell [manager] what happened!”

(I go out back for a minute or two. Suddenly, I hear people yelling and come back in. I see the manager chasing the man who had hit me out of the store and yelling that he was calling the police.)

Me: “What is going on?”

Coworker: “Well, I was on my way to speak to [Manager] when a customer stopped me. That guy came up behind me and squeezed my left boob! Then he said, ‘Oops… sorry! Thought you were someone else!’ and walked off. I ran up to [Manager] and then [Coworker #2] came running up and said the same guy had just grabbed him in the crotch and had said the same thing!”

Me: “Wow! I guess I got off easy!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [hair salon]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you do haircuts?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We are a hair salon. We do haircuts.”

Customer: “How much does it cost?”

Me: “It depends on the style you want it cut into. It’s usually about [price] or so.”

Customer: “Do I get a discount if I let you keep my hair when it’s done?”