Archive for 2011

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If It Looks Like A Cow And Moos Like A Cow

, | Wisconsin, USA | Right | July 19, 2011

(Due to difficulties returning from a petting zoo, my mother and I had a 3 month old calf riding in the front seat of our truck. We were hungry so we went thru a drive thru on our way home. After we ordered we drove up to the first window.)

Cashier #1: “Your total is [total]. Is that a real cow?”

Mom: “Why, yes, she is.”

(The cashier gives my mom the change and points the animal out to her coworkers around her. We drive up to the second window.)

Cashier #2: “Here’s your order. Is that cow real?”

Cow: “Mooooo!”

Mom: “As you can see, she is real and really hungry, so thank you for the hamburgers. She will really enjoy them.”

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Big Ol’ Bag Of Bagel-y Biggle Bits

, | Sacramento, CA, USA | Right | July 19, 2011

(I work at a pretzel place in a mall. On the posters, menu, and signs hanging in our store and outside of it, the bite-sized pieces of pretzels are called “pretzel bites”. It says that everywhere because they’re our most popular product.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [store]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Can I get some of your pretzel nubbins?”

Me: “Ex-Excuse me?”

Customer: “The nubbins. The little bits. The pretzel bagels.”

Me: “Do…do you mean pretzel bites?”

Customer: “Yeah, the bagel bites, or the pretzel nuggets. With salt.”

Me: “So you want a big ol’ bag of bagel-y biggle bits, huh?”

Customer: *offended* “Excuse you?”

Me: “Small, medium, or large pretzel nubbins, ma’am?”

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Doing Favors On Your Knees, Part 2

| Richmond, Virginia, USA | Right | July 19, 2011

(It’s summer and I am very obviously pregnant at about 7 months. A male customer walks by and notices my belly.)

Customer: “It’s the wrong time of year for that!”

Me: “Oh, believe me, I know.”

(He walks off to browse and I continue setting up an end cap display which includes some very low shelves. As it’s rather hard to bend down at 7 months pregnant, I’m now kneeling on the floor to put things on the bottom shelves. The same customer walks by again.)

Customer: “Well, you know, that’s what got you into trouble in the first place.”

 

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What’s “Bad Liar” In Asian

| Toronto, Canada | Right | July 18, 2011

(Two obviously underaged girls walk into my tattoo parlor.)

Girl #1: “We want to get our names in Asian writing.”

Me: “Asian writing–you mean like in kanji? It doesn’t really work that way. You’d have to get someone to translate it as best they can and then bring it in to us.”

Girl #2: “Can’t we just tell you our names and you write them in Asian?”

Me: “No, I’m a tattooer and unfortunately don’t have a second job as a translator. Also, how old are you?”

Girl #1: “I’m…16. You have to be 16 to get tattooed right?”

Me: “Only if you also have a copy of your ID and parental consent.”

Girl #2: “Uh…we don’t have our IDs. They got stolen. Can’t we just call my mom?”

Me: “No.”

Girl #1: “What if we really promise not to tell?”

Me: “No. ‘Really promise’ doesn’t exactly meet health board requirements.”

Girl #2: “There’s a board for health?”

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No Shame, Period

| Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Right | July 18, 2011

(I am working in the produce section where we sell very thick and very red cranberry juice. As I am placing some on the shelves, I drop one, which spills on the ground. To prevent it from leaking all over the place, I quickly carry it to the customer bathroom close by to empty the rest in the toilet, leaving a long trail of red liquid.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Someone’s had their period in the bathroom!”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am. I just dropped cranberry juice on the floor.”

Customer: “Well, then, can I get a discount for the nausea?”

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