(I go to check on a customer and her daughter in one of our asiles.)

Customer: You don’t have very much selection here.
Me: Yes I’m sorry that size is pretty popular this year and we can’t seem to keep much stock.
Customer: No, you never have very much stock, its not just this size.
Me: Well if you do find something in another size that you like I can always check another store.
(I leave the customer alone in the aisle and go back to the check out counter. They arrive 10 minutes later with a cleareanced item, she is still pretty mad about us not having that much variety. And I proceed to ring the item up.)

Me: That will be (item amount). Are we paying with cash or card today?
Customer: Card
Me: Go ahead and slide when you’re ready or insert if it’s a chip.
Customer: (sliding card) The chip doesn’t work.
(Our reader requires you to insert chip cards, regardless if the chip works or not, once you’ve tried 3 times the reader will allow you to swipe the card. I try to explain this and she interupts me by inserting the card)
Me: Ok. Just insert it again and it’ll..
Customer: (angered, inserts card) I don’t know why you’re having me do this, it doesn’t work.
Me: I’m sorry it’ll just take a moment, I have no way to by-pass the process.
Customer: (inserts the card enough times so the reader asks to swipe the card, each time mumbling and fumbling so it takes even longer) I told you it doesn’t work. (Swipes card too fast for reader so reader prompts again).
Me: I apologize again but you’re going to have to contact your bank about the issue.
Customer’s Daughter: I like your shirt.
Me : Thank you sweetie
(Customer scowls at me and grabs the item, receipt and her daughter’s hand and storms out the door.)
Customer 2: (Wearing a shirt from a restaurant and watching this whole ordeal, smiles at me with a knowing look.)
Me: Don’t you just love retail sometimes.
Customer 2: (laughing)Yeah that’s why I work here!(indicates shirt)

I work at a popular chicken restaurant. One evening during the dinner rush, I was working at the front registers and a lady came in with her four kids, all under the age of 8 or so.

Me: Hello, welcome to [restaurant]! How may I serve you?

Customer: Do you serve fish?

Me: No, ma’am, we only serve chicken.

Customer: Well, due to a VARIETY of reasons, my children must adhere to a STRICTLY vegetarian diet. They can have fish, but certainly NOT chicken.

Me: I’m sorry ma’am, but we only serve chicken. I can get you a wrap or salad without chicken, or even any of outback sandwiches with no chicken, but that’s about all we have as far as vegetarian options.

Customer: Are you SURE you don’t serve fish?

Me, getting irritated: No, ma’am. We are called [restaurant name, which has a variant of “chicken” in it].

*My manager is at this point trying to conceal her hysterical laughter as half the restaurant looks on in amusement.*

Customer: Fine, I’ll have two salads.

In retail, you get sick of the “original” jokes such as “It didn’t scan? It must be free!” So, I truly like funny comments and appropriate jokes that are actually original.

A man and his teenage son enter. I watch the dad pick up three 12-packs of a soft drink from a pallet by the door and bring them to my counter. He’s waiting for his son to get a package of Oreos, but the son’s attention was caught by some greeting cards. After getting the boy to keep moving towards the Oreos, the dad says: “Want him? He He will be 18 soon, but you can have him until then.”

I am married but have no kids of my own. My husband and I are pretty busy anyway. “Nah, don’t have time for kids myself.” The boy finally brings a large package of Oreos to the register.

Me: “You know that package will be half-empty by the time you get to the driveway.”
Dad: “No. He’s not getting anywhere near them.”
Me: “Then maybe you should have him carry the soda and you take the cookies.”
Dad: “No way. This–” he indicates the soda “–is more valuable.”
Me: o.O
Dad: (as he carries the soda out the door) “Those will make you fat and ugly. This just makes you ugly!”

I couldn’t help laughing at the strange remark.

(Please notice that this story does take place in Germany, where we have more of a culture to be nice to staff. In three years of working after school/university, i have only been screamed at three times, including this incident!
At weekends i work at a location of a large gas station chain. In order to discurage robbers we always have very little money in our tills. As soon as we get 200 Euros above the ideal amount, we get a notice that we need to take money to the safe. So, i need to take money from the till, enter the amount i am taking into the computer, go to the safe that is bedind the counter, put in my employee number and then my money, all bills individually, staple the reciepts from the safe and the computer together and put them in my reciept box. This sounds complicated, but only takes me like 20 seconds max, even less if i have a few large bills instead of many small ones. In theory, i can just click away the notice when it pops up, but if i have not finished the procedure 5 minutes after it pops up for the first time, the system sends an notice to the general offices, which can result in my managers bonus getting cut. So our order is: Unless there is a gun pointed at you, as soon as the notice pops up, you take some money to the safe immediately.
It is a slow saturday morning, i am the only person working right now and just as a woman in her late 30s enters the store, the notice pops up.
Me: (While opening the till and taking out three 50s, entering the amount i am withdrawing in the computer) Hello! Please wait for a moment, i will be with you in a second! (I turn around, enter my number and put my first bill in the safe
Woman: (just reached my till 2 seconds ago, starts screeming) HEY! I do not have time to wait for you, i have a child in the car! So get a move on!
(There is no direct translation into english for the rude term she used in the last sentence, this one is tamer, but gets close. I am quite shocked. no one ever complained about this befor, and she just reached my till. But i was taught not to bow down to bullies while working, so i put my last bill in the safe, wait for the reciept and walk back to my till without hurry)
Me: i am sorry, but as soon as there is too much money in the till, the system shuts down completely. It only unfreezes when i have completed the removal process. There is nothing i can do against it
(What makes this more absurd: She paid for her gas with Card, which takes about three times as long as paying Cash. Also, what would she have done had there been one or two costumers ahead of her? She would have had to wait way longer than those 10 seconds i took to finish the process. If your child needs so much attention that it cannot be alone for more than a minute, either leave it at home with someone to watch it or just bring it with you when you come inside to pay!
The best thing: I told what happened to my manager using a messenger app, as i actually lied to the woman. The only reply i recieved were two thumbs up emojis!)

(I volunteer at the local library to help host a children’s story-hour. One of the librarians is extremely surly, though she typically keeps it down to grumbling and dark looks. I recently had to take a second job as a cashier at our local grocery store, and I found out this lady is a regular there, but she is much freer with her anger, frequently berating cashiers and stockers about things not being the way she wants them to be, especially if items are put out for sale. As a final note, I have shoulder length hair that I typically wear up in a bun while working at the store, but I leave down elsewhere.)

Lady: *slams her groceries down on the belt* You people need to learn how to organize. You have trash all over, and you keep moving the things I want. And the milk I bought last week tasted funny…

Me: *smiling, as I reach up and pull my hair out of its bun, allowing it to fall down around my shoulders* Hello, Ms. [Lady], how are you doing today?

Lady: *silence*

(She stared at me for a minute, before quietly finishing her purchases and leaving. After that, she went out of her way to avoid me, even though she was still rude to several of my co-workers. I was very glad when she retired a few months ago.)