(This took place a few years ago. It’s important to note that my father’s first name, while perfectly normal for the area, can be turned into an insult when shortened. This insult is another word for male genetalia. He hates that it is used as a nickname and insists on being called his full first name. I was visiting my father and step-family at their house, which was just remodeled after getting quotes from several businesses. The remodeling job is completed. The phone rung and I was asked to go answer it.)

Me: *answering* (Last Name) residence.

Caller: *energetic/hyper-sounding man* I’m calling about (business name)’s home remodeling quote for (this address). I figured you’ve had time to look it over, right?

Father: *overhearing it* (Company)? I tried to get them to get started for WEEKS before I gave up and went to another place. Mess with them.

Me: *To the caller* And your point is…?

Caller: I’m looking for (Nickname/male genitals).

Me: *deadpan* Sorry dude, none of the men who live here are gay. You’d have better luck on a dating app.

Caller: *chokes up and struggles for words*!!! N-no! I want to talk to (nickname/male genetalia)!

Me: *Feigning disgust* I don’t want to hear about your weird fetishes, dude. I’m a lesbian. No hetero.

(The caller hung up and my family laughed about it for the rest of the evening. “No hetero” became a bit of a household joke, especially when, say, a married family member joked about being attracted to someone other than their spouse. Salesmen, don’t pretend to be chummy with clients. It just makes you look like male genetalia).

(My sophomore year, I end up getting a very eccentric redhead as my Western Civilization’s teacher. At this point in the year, we’re learning about the Middle Ages and my teacher is about 7 months pregnant.)

Teacher: “So at this point in time, if the pope told you to jump, you’d ask: ‘How high?'”

(She starts excitedly jumping in place before stopping suddenly.)

Teacher: “Maybe I should stop before I go into labor… I’d rather not have [Weird PE Teacher Who’s Part of the Emergency Team] rushing me out of here in a wheelchair!”

I’m watching the Jerry Springer show and reading Twilight, when I get a phone call from my dad.

Dad: Hey, babe, what are you doing?

Me: Watching Jerry Springer and reading Twilight.

Dad: You have terrible taste in books and TV shows. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that Grandpa’s having a fish fry for the Fourth of July. I’ll pick you up around one if you want to go. Enjoy your shitty form of entertainment.

I was working as a cashier at a grocery store and me and a co worker often insult each other out of good fun, but a old lady came through his line and halfway through him ringing her up she said to my co worker you need to smile more (he had a bad day at school so he wasn’t in a good mood) she proceeded to say you will never get a girlfriend if you don’t smile, I then said surprisingly he does have a girlfriend. She then said to my co worker what’s her name? So I can send her a sympathy card. (It upset him the for a few hours but later on he thought it was funny and shared the story with his girlfriend)

When was younger I wanted to get my hair cut short and took a photo of the style I wanted into a local hairdresser who told me that I would need a perm to get that style. I thought it was odd because the style was only slightly wavy but how was I to know, she was the expert. What I ended up with was a hairstyle that looked nothing like the photo, one that I absolutely hated.
I didn’t go back to that hairdresser until my niece started an apprenticeship there, again I went armed with a photo and made sure my niece cut my hair. The photo was of Amanda Tapping’s short style, I was so happy with the style when I left.
Later my niece told me what happened after I left.

Niece “(Boss) told me that you should have let her cut your hair”

Me “No way, not after the mess she left me with the last time”

Niece “yeah, she told me that she thought that style wouldn’t have suited you and would have done your hair the way she wanted. She was shocked when you looked so good with the cut you wanted but still next time I have to let her do your hair. How about I do it at home instead?”

Me “Suits me, I won’t be going back there”

My niece moved on after her apprenticeship, her customers followed her and it wasn’t long afterwards that the shop closed down. Niece still does my hair and I just realised that my latest cut looks very close to that first photo and I didn’t even need a perm for it.