(I read a lot as a kid and started reading the Harry Potter series when I was in fifth grade. I’m reading the second book in the car and come across a word I don’t know.)

Me: “Hey Mom?”

Mom: *driving* “Yeah?”

Me: “What’s a b****?”

(She asked what on earth I was reading and I told her before reading the sentence aloud. It was being used as a dog breeding term and I don’t remember if she explained it, but I’m sure my mother was relieved that her ten-year-old daughter hadn’t gotten her hands on something risqué.)

(My friend works at a dollar general and this is an interaction she had with a customer)

*customer buying Vienna sausages*

Customer: “Those are supposed to be 2 for a dollar.”

Employee: “Where does it say that at?”

Customer: “That means 50 cents a piece.”

Employee: “Sir,where did it say that at?”

Customer: “2 for 1 dollar.”

Employee: “SIR WHERE DID IT SAY THAT AT”

My son is a ride operator at an amusement park. Each ride control booth has a telephone for emergencies, calling a supervisor, etc. My son did not know this phone could be called from outside of the park.

Son: Hello

Caller: Is your ride running?

Son: Yes it is.

Caller: Better catch it!

Later my son said to me “It sounded like (fired coworker). He’s too old for that.”

My younger sister and her husband had bought themselves an expensive new truck and have driven it over to show my parents. My other sister’s husband and his friend pull up after noticing the new truck. These two think nothing of boasting about their car stealing abilities and after we’ve all gone inside we notice them paying particular attention to the new truck, they give each looks, nods and do a lot of whispering

BIL 1 *going outside “What the f*** do you two think you are doing?”

Friend *sickingly grinning “Oh, we’re just saying that we hope you have got this fully insured because it would be a real shame if you got up one morning to find it gone”

BIL 2 *chuckles “Yeah”

BIL 1 “If anything happens to this car I will make sure to come after you two”

Friend “ hahaha, you would never be able prove it was us”

BIL 2 *smirks

BIL 1 “You’re not understanding me, I don’t need to prove it because I just going to assume that you two had a hand in it if anything ever happens to this car”

Friend “The cops can’t prove anything on assumptions, we know people who could make this truck disappear without a trace”

BIL 1 “Who said anything about the cops? I know people who can make bodies disappear without a trace”

Friend “Hahaha yeah sure”

*I notice BIL 2 eyes widen and he mouths at his friend to shut up, then whispers something.

BIL 1 *deadpan “Try me”.

Friend * very high pitched “We were only joking”

BIL 1 *growls “Well p*ss off”.*they both hurry away to their car while BIL 1 laughs before turning to us “I have to admit that going to the same school as (notorious convicted killer) comes in handy sometimes”.

Sister “I thought you said you didn’t actually know him”

BIL *shrugs “I don’t but those a**holes don’t know that”.

My sister’s partner micro-manages just about everything she does, she is very much under his thumb. She’s come over to my place one day while I am hanging my washing out on our rotary clothes line. And yes even though he is at work, he’s already called her to find out why she wasn’t at home.

Sister *with horrified look on her face “No, no, no you’re doing that wrong”

Me “Doing what wrong?”

Sister “Hanging the clothes wrong”

Me “How am I hanging clothes wrong?”

Sister “You’re turning the clothesline to the left, you have to turn it to the right”

Me “WTF? You do realise that the clothesline can be turned in both directions, don’t you?”

Sister “But, (husband)….”

Me *cuts her off “And that I don’t have to follow that d*ckheads rules, I’m not the idiot who married him”.