My dad, nana and I are talking about my stepmother’s ball python, and where she’ll be set up for the summer.
Me: Remember that ribbon snake we had?
Nana: Where did you get a ribbon snake?
Dad: We caught it wild. I do remember her. You named her Victoria.
Me: She shot blood out of her vagina.
Nana: I didn’t need to hear that!
Dad: Yeah, that was a random fact.
I’ve just accepted a new job out of state that will start in a month. Realizing I had never scheduled my annual mammogram, I call my OB/GYN. After several frustrating calls with indifferent—and even rude—front-end staff, they finally shrug their collective shoulders and tell me I should schedule it in my new city.
As I’m venting about this “mammogram scheduling fiasco”, my husband shares this gem: “We need to create a website or something to keep track of all these customer relations stories (!)”
I work for my public library and I would answer phone calls and transfer them to the librarians or circulation. One day while answering the phone, I get this lovely gem.
Me: (Public library). My name is…. (I immediately get cut off).
Solicitor call: Hi, I’m glad that I got you. My name is Sam and I’m calling back for an insurance…
Me: I hang up on them thinking it was a robotic call because I was rudely interrupted.
Solicitor calls back with a different operator 3 or 4 times and every time I hang up on them. I finally had enough and actually listened to the last one.
Me: Me: (Public library). My name is…. (I immediately get cut off).
Solicitor: Hi there, I was so glad to reach you. My name is Maria and I’m calling back about the insurance you asked about.
Me: (paused for about 3 seconds and realized that it was a REAL person on the other line) I’m sorry, but you called a place of business. Could you please put us on your “Do Not Call” list? Thank you.
Solicitor: Oh, I’m sorry. Sure. (click)
And here I was thinking that was the end of that. Nope! The next day,
Me: (Public library). My name is…. (I immediately get cut off).
Solicitor: Hi there, I was so glad to reach you. My name is Rosa and I’m calling back about the insurance you asked about. This call is recorded and monitor.
Me: Yes, you called the (public library) and we get our insurance from the city. Please put us on your “Do Not Call” list. Thank you.
Solicitor: Bye. (click)
Hopefully that would be end of that.
My grandfather passed away and he was a movie fanatic. He didn’t care what kind of movie it was, he wanted to see it. When my mom was little he would take her every Saturday to see a movie. He had a walk in closet, floor to ceiling, full of movies he recorded off of TV, they were all numbered and he had a book with all of the numbers in it, with the names and dates of the movies. When he passed my mom made a music cd to be played in the background when people were coming into the church…but that was only part of the things that went comically wrong…
First off, we all got lost on the way to the church. Not just me and my mom, but EVERYONE that was coming. So we were late starting. But we got there first and put the music on. I’m on one end of the Sanctuary and my oldest nephew is on the other. I feel I should note that I was about twenty-three and he was twenty at the time. The song kicks on just as people are entering. The song playing….Chariots of Fire. That slow running song (Look it up). My nephew and I instantly look at each other and start running in slow motion to each other as the guests come in and start laughing.
When everyone is there the service starts. A little ways into the service…
Priest: “We will now listen to one of his favorite songs, Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” *Silence…* “We will NOW listen to one of his favorite songs, SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW!” *More silence. Priest turns around* “Hit play!”
Assistant: “Which one is play?”
Priest: “It looks like a triangle!”
Assistant: “It’s not working!”
Priest: *Sighs* “We are having some technical difficulties. So we will have his grandson, [Cousin’s name], start the eulogy.”
My cousin gets up and starts speaking. About halfway through…Somewhere Over the Rainbow kicks on. However! My mother didn’t LISTEN to the version she had chosen. She just saw the name and put it on. It was the WORST version of the song I had ever heard! The woman was trying to sound jazzy and just lost the tune, her voice broke a few times. Needless to say…everyone had their heads bowed, hands over their mouths, trying not to laugh in the middle of the funeral. Several of us did not succeed.
The song ended and we finished the funeral without any more problems…until it came time to go to the cemetery….where we all got lost again….and it turned out to be connected to the church…but we all drove off thinking it was somewhere else…it took a while to re-find the church again.
(I went to the grocery store with my mom and my nephew, who is in his twenties. We’re going down the potato-chip aisle and I notice a new flavor)
Me: “Huh. Pina colada flavored chips.”
Mom: “Oh! I like pina coladas!”
Me: “Do you like getting caught in the rain?”
Mom: “Huh?”
Nephew: “If you’re not into yoga?”
Mom: “What?”
Me: “If you have half a brain?”
Mom: “Huh?”
My nephew and I: “IF YOU LIKE MAKIN’ LOVE AT MIDNIGHT!”
Mom: “What are you guys talking about?”
(My nephew and I start laughing)
Nephew: “It’s a song. The Pina Colada song.”
