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Only If You Provide Us With A TARDIS Or A Time-Turner

, , , | Right | February 13, 2022

Me: “As soon as you get us the pricing database, we need five weeks to build the online quoting application. If we get it this week, we can do a September first launch.”

Four weeks later…

Client: “Here is the pricing database. Sorry for the delay. So, we are still good for the September first launch, right?”

I Want It Blue On ALL Of De Tings

, , , , | Right | February 12, 2022

I once had a web client who was stalling. We presumed it was because he’d run out of cash, which he had. He asked me first to make sure the site looked the same in every browser. Fair enough, but then, he asked me to make sure it looked the same on every MONITOR he would see it on. After I explained screen calibration, the difference between Mac monitors and PC monitors, etc., he asked:

Client: “I need you to produce mockups in every shade of blue available. If you can’t do that, it’s a dealbreaker.”

The deal was broken. We also had to take him to court to get paid.

Their Brains Are Just Placeholders

, , , , | Right | February 11, 2022

I sent out a link to the beta of a site I was building for a client. Since it was powered by a CMS (content management system), the pages still used dummy content. I got a kick out of the email I got back.

Client: “We love the site, but one thing: maybe our computer is broken, but everything seems to be getting translated into Latin. It just says, ‘Lorem ipsum something something’. Maybe something is broken with the site, or else do we need to change a setting?”

Change The Color Until You’re Ready To Pop

, , , , | Right | February 10, 2022

Client: “It looks good, but I just want the text to pop more. I want more contrast.”

The text is white on black.

Client: “Can we change it to, like, a gray?”

Me: “Gray on black?”

Client: “Yeah, I think that would make it really stand out.”

Fast forward five color changes.

Client: “I think white would look best here.”

I’m Not Seeing Red… Yet!

, , | Right | February 9, 2022

I was doing a small brochure site for a client when he requested some revisions. I did the revisions as requested and dropped him an email saying all was good.

I got a call a few hours later from him with this story.

Client: “Hi, it’s [Client]. My brother has just been made redundant and is desperate for money. He wants to do this website and for me to pay him for it. How much will it cost me to knock the website on the head now and give it to him to do?”

Me: “As I’m just waiting on copy and other small bits and pieces, a figure of 75% of the agreed amount is fair.”

Client: “I’ll think about it and call you back.”

I got a call ten minutes later from the client who was now yelling.

Client: “[My Name], you’re just not doing what I’m asking. You’re not listening to me and you’re ignoring what I want! The text I wanted is there, but it’s small and black. I asked for a big, bold heading in red! I don’t want to continue. You’re not doing what I’m paying you for.”

I was shocked and genuinely offended, but as he gave the vital “the text is there but not how I want it,” I could instantly ascertain that his browser had cached the stylesheet. I explained this to him in a surprisingly cool and collected manner, at which point, he realised that it wasn’t my fault at all.

He was really really apologetic, but relations were different after that.

Incidentally, the project did end up getting cancelled early, as he refused to pay for any more revisions.