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The Last Days Of Rasputin

, , , , | Right | March 27, 2009

(I’m a graphic designer for a small sign shop. When the customer service rep leaves for lunch I’m stuck running the front desk for an hour. Since I mostly work in the back, I’m only trained on how to take orders and payments. On this fateful day the CSR was out sick and the owner had to step out for about ten minutes to run an errand. A man with a thick Russian accent steps into the shop.)

Customer: “I need these now.” *throws a book of zodiac signs down on the counter*

Me: “Okay… what is it you need?”

Customer: “These! These! I talk with your father earlier about this and I need now!”

Me: “Um… my dad doesn’t work here. Do you mean my boss?”

Customer: “Whatever. He said you have done today.”

Me:“Well sir, we are pretty busy right now and we don’t usually guarantee a sign in the same day. I could have it to you tomorrow at the earliest.”

Customer: “I need this, this and this. Now. He said he get them now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what you spoke to him about, but he will be back in a few minutes and you can speak with him personally about it.”

Customer: “I need now! He said he get them now! You go make them now!”

Me: “Tell me what you want and I will do my best to make them for you.”

Customer: “He knows. He’ll tell you. Go make them.”

Me: “I told you he is not here right now. If you want to leave the book here, I will talk to him about it and get the order together for you.”

Customer: “DO YOU HAVE LIFE?!”

Me: “Did you just ask if I have a life?”

Customer: “LIFE! LIFE! DO YOU HAVE IT?!”

Me: “Um… yeah. I have a life. It’s in the back of the shop. Please leave.”

Customer: *shouts something in Russian and storms out the door*

Coworker: “What the h*** was that all about?”

Me: “I really don’t know!”

Amen, Part 2

, | Right | March 11, 2009

Caller: “I’m not happy with the website.”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “It’s not reporting my usage correctly.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. Is it saying you have used more than you think you have?”

Caller: “No, it’s saying I have not used any.”

Me: “Oh, that means we were accidentally giving it to you for free. Thanks for telling me!”

Caller: “Crap! I should learn not to complain!”

The Good, The Bad, And The Single Minded

, , , , , | Right | July 15, 2008

(A non-profit organization asked our company to write a proposal for a website design. I present our proposal to a group of about 15 people, including the president of the organization.)

Me: “When you want to add a new page to the website, you can type it here. If you want, the system can send new content to someone in your organization for review before it goes live.”

Client: “Can you give me an example of when we would do this?”

Me: “Well, if you want, you can have your legal people review the new text before it goes up on the site, so, you know… you don’t get sued because of–”

President: “Sued?! Who’s suing us? I don’t want to get sued!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying your legal people could review any changes to the site–”

President: “This guy is telling me we could be sued! I don’t like this!”

Me: “No, it’s so you WOULDN’T be sued. But that’s just an example. It’s just if someone wants to read the content before–”

President: “I do not like the sound of this at all.”

(We didn’t get the job.)


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I’ll Have Your Skills And Experience, To Go

, , , | Right | October 24, 2007

Client: “In the future, I’d prefer not to pay you to make websites for me. I’ve seen what you do, and I think it’s pretty easy. Can you just teach me how to do your web stuff?”

Me: “If you’re really interested, I guess I can teach you the basics of web design, but it’s going to require at least several lessons and it’ll cost $[amount] for every hour I spend with you.

Client: “GOD, do you have to charge for everything?!”


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Because Insurance Is Such A Scream

, , , , , | Right | October 18, 2007

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You want your insurance website to look like the Walt Disney World site?”

Client: “Yes, because [the Walt Disney World site] seems so happy and fun. When people visit our site, they should feel like buying insurance is fun!”

Me: “Um, okay… so is there anything else you’d like?”

(The client thinks for a few moments.)

Client: “Rollercoasters! I like rollercoasters!”

Me: *face palm*


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