I was on the phone with a particularly difficult client, trying to assist them with our CMS (Content Management System). Merely choosing colors was agony with this person, as they couldn’t tell the difference between orange and purple, yet they insisted they were not color blind by any measure.

Today was something else, though.

Me: “In order to access the content management system, I need you to open your web browser. Once it’s open, you can type the address into the URL bar.”

Client: “Okay, it’s open… but where is this bar?”

Me: “There should be a blank bar at the top of your browser window where you can input a web address.”

Client: “I know that. But where is this bar? I opened my browser and there is no bar.”

Me: “There should be a section below your ‘File’, ‘Edit’, ‘View’, and ‘Window’ options bar on your browser that allows you to type in addresses and surf the web.”

Client: “Listen. I have no idea what you are talking about! There is no bar on my screen. I don’t see any place for a web address.”

Me: “What options are at the top of your browser?”

Client: “‘File’, ‘Edit’, ‘Format’, ‘Table’, a copy and paste button, my fonts… None of this URL business!”

Me: “Wait, are you in Microsoft Word?”

Client: “Yeah, why?”

A client calls to complain about a website that was pushed out months ago. Trying to diagnose the problem, I notice that the overall layout has changed.

Client: “No, the layout has not been changed. Everything’s just been better arranged.”

Me: “Well, the new layout seems to be the issue.”

Client: “What new layout?”

Client: “I want a simple font for my homepage.”

Me: “Something like Verdana?”

Client: “Oh, no! I hate that Verdana-style! Look, maybe like on this page.”

Me: “The body text?”

Client: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s Verdana.”

Client: “D***.”

Client: “I have attached the pictures I would like on my website. I am looking for a dark and mysterious look and feel.”

Me: “I just opened your pictures and noticed that they are all of My Little Pony.”

Client: “Oh, gosh, I am so sorry. Those are meant for my daughter’s birthday cake. Attached are the actual images I would like. Sorry.”

Me: “Sorry to bother you again, but these pictures are all from Woodstock.”

Client: “Yes, that’s correct.”

The client was looking for a professional website for their detective business.

Client: “I’ve worked with web designers before. I used to work at a large firm and was in charge of helping with the website there. I will be able to help you a lot. Here are a few images that we’d like to use on the site.”

Me: “These are pretty low quality, but for how big they’ll be on the site, I could make it work. Are these your only copies?”

Client: “Oh, I have some larger files! How would you like me to send them to you?”

Me: “You could zip them into a single archive file, upload that to [fileshare of choice], and send me a link, or you could put them in the [cloud storage] box we’ve been using. Or you could FTP them into the site’s ‘img’ folder for me. Let me know what you decide.”

Client: “You lost me at ‘zip’. Here’s the first image.”

With forty-plus emails arriving (and more with each passing second), each featuring 20MB-plus attachments, I’m typing this story in frustration.