Me: “Thank you for calling [Grocery Store], how may I direct your call?”

Lady: “Can I get your Orient kitchen?”

(I put her on hold, page the kitchen. Thirty seconds later, the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Grocery Store], how may I direct your call?”

Same lady: “Yeah, I was holding for the Orient kitchen, I think I got disconnected.”

Me: “Just a sec.”

(I put her on hold again, page the kitchen again. Thirty seconds later, phone rings again.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Grocery Store], how may I direct your call?”

Same lady: “You keep hanging up on me! Every time I call for the kitchen, you hang up on me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am putting you on hold.”

Lady: “No, you keep hanging up on me. You say hold and then there’s silence.”

Me: “If I was hanging up on you, you would hear a dial tone. The silence is you being on hold. So if you wait a minute, I will get the kitchen for you.”

Lady: “Okay.”

Me: “Now, there is going to be silence. This isn’t me hanging up on you. You are being put on hold. Just wait and someone will pick up the phone. ”

Lady: “Thank you.”

(I put her on hold and turn to see my coworkers laughing at me behind my back. I question the state of humanity.)

Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. One of your hotels stole something from me and I would like you to return that item to me or I will sue you.”

Me: “We will certainly conduct an investigation. At which property was it left?”

Customer: “The [Hotel Chain].”

Me: “Ok… What city and state?”

Customer: “The [Hotel Chain]!”

Me: “I understand which brand name.. Can you please tell me the location of the property?”

Customer: “It’s on [Street].”

Me: “Ok, and what city and state is that in?”

Customer: “By the ocean.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Which city and state?”

Customer: “Florida. It’s not my job to tell you where it’s located.”

Me: “Well, as I’m sure you can appreciate, we have over 3,000 properties in the US alone. So I will need you tell me which city in Florida this is located…”

(Customer provides the name of city.)

Me: “Ok, great. And this is the [Hotel Chain] on [Street], correct? So what is missing?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “No. I visited my psychic this week, and she told me that one of the employees at that hotel, where I just came from this past weekend, stole something from me. The employee is female with dark hair and her name starts with an ‘M’.”

Me: “Ok… but can you tell me what you’re missing, please? That way I can have this documented and the hotel can investigate the situation.”

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS STOLEN, BUT MY PSYCHIC DOES NOT LIE.”

Me: “Ma’am, I certainly apologize for any inconvenience experienced… but I’m sure you can appreciate that I would need to know what was taken to forward over to the hotel. Have you gone through your items?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And?”

Customer: “I can’t find anything. But your hotel better return my items or I will sue you!”

Me: “I’d love to help you. Please call us back when you have discovered what was missing. Thank you.”

(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company] tech support.

(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)

Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”

Me: “So… it’s blue, and blue… on the thing?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Where is it blue?”

Customer: “On de ting.”

Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the computer screen or your camera?”

Customer: “Yes… de ting.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”

Customer: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”

Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes… which one?”

Customer: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”

Customer: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak English very, very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”

Customer: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”

(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)

(And so on and so on…)

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Vision, how may I help you?”

Caller: “I need someone to come look at my TV.”

Me: “Sir, this is a vision insurance company, not television repair.”

Caller: “When can you send someone out?”

Me: “Sir, we cannot do that. We don’t repair TVs.”

Caller: “I WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “He can’t help you either, sir.”

Caller: “F*** YOU! I SAY F*** YOU!” *click*

(I work in a restaurant, and one day, I answer the phone.)

Customer: “I’d like a delivery, please.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t deliver.”

Customer: “I thought you delivered.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t.”

Customer: “Well, do I get some kind of compensation?”

Me: “Uhhh, no…”

Customer: “You mean I was inconvenienced for all this time and I don’t even get a f****** discount?”

Me: “No…”

Customer: *click*

This story is part of our Demands For Discounts roundup!

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