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You Literally Want Her To Phone It In?

, , , , , | Working | October 17, 2022

Some years ago, I managed and operated a recording studio in a larger corporate team for one of the big four consulting firms. At the time, our management team had very little experience in media production, but they also constantly wanted to tell everyone how to do their jobs.

One of our voice artists phoned in, saying she could not make a scheduled session. This was a slight problem as we were chasing a deadline.

Me: “[Boss], we’ll have to manage the deadline with the client as the voice artist will not be able to make the recording session.”

Boss: “This is a problem. We really can’t afford to move the deadline. Do you have any suggestions?”

Me: “Well, not really. If it’s her voice the client wants, they will have to be a little flexible in this instance. It is unfortunately outside of our control.”

Boss: I have an idea! Phone her, then switch your phone to ‘speaker’ mode, and have her read her lines while you just hold your phone close to the microphone and record her. It’s basically the same as her coming into the studio, right?!”

Me: *Blinks*

Riding On The Coattails Of Fame

, , , , | Working | May 28, 2021

A friend of mine used to work in a film crew and did all kinds of odd jobs. He sometimes had to do the most absurd tasks, like going all the way to the hotel to get a foreign actor’s flip-flops.

Despite his flexibility on set, he didn’t own a personal car, so he used public transport to get to the set and back. Since he is far from shy, he also makes friends easily. One day, one of the actors actually offered him a ride home.

The next day, however, his boss took him aside.

Boss: *Almost insulted* “Is it true that you let one of the actors give you a ride?!”

The actor barged in angrily.

Actor: “I want to make very, very clear that I offered [Friend] the ride on my own initiative.”

Thank god, not every star expects to be treated like a demigod.

BTS = Brainless Talking Sucks

, , , , | Right | November 1, 2020

I’m half-Korean and half-white, but I’m almost completely white-passing so people don’t usually know. I study as a producer and I want to go to Korea to produce for K-Pop entertainment companies. I am watching a Korean variety show when I get a visitor, a girl I know who uses our recording studio.

Visitor: “Hey, can I ask for something?”

Me: “Yes, what can I do for you?”

The visitor notices what I am doing.

Visitor: “Wait, what are you watching?”

Me: “Just a show. I’ll turn it off.”

Visitor: “I didn’t know you liked Korean stuff. I didn’t peg you as that kind of girl.”

Me: “I’m just watching a show.”

Visitor: “It’s super cringy for white people to watch that stuff, you know. It’s weird. What’s wrong with what we’ve got?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Visitor: “It’s like a Koreaboo thing, isn’t it?”

Me: “I’m half-Korean. Watching these shows helps me practise the language.”

Visitor: “What? No, you’re not! Your phone’s in English.”

Me: “What the h*** are you doing on my phone?”

Visitor: “Uh…”

She left pretty quickly after that. I didn’t find out what she was doing on my phone, though. I don’t produce for her anymore; she can’t look me in the eye!

Time To Drive On Out Of Here

, , , , , | Working | September 19, 2020

I’m a guitar teacher at a music studio that offers lessons from August through June. Teachers have the option of doing lessons over the summer if they can arrange it with the customers.

It’s mid-July and I’m the only one in the building. I’m sitting at the front desk waiting for my student to arrive. In walks a woman I don’t recognize.

Woman: “Hi.  I noticed you have signs in your parking lot saying that parking is for customers only, but I have an interview at the restaurant across the street and I can’t find parking anywhere else. Would it be okay if I parked here just for the interview?”

Me: “Sure thing! We’re closed for the summer anyway, so no one is using it right now. Good luck at your interview!”

Woman: “Thank you so much!”

She leaves to go to her interview. The next day, my boss, the owner, comes into the studio while I’m working. 

Boss: “Hey, so I saw on the security cameras yesterday that you let someone park in our lot who isn’t one of our customers.”

Me: “Yeah, I figured because we’re closed for the summer and not using it at the moment, we could let it slide. She had a job interview at the restaurant.”

Boss: “You shouldn’t have done that! When people drive on our parking lot, their tires wear down the pavement and I have to pay a thousand dollars to get it resealed! That just cost me a thousand dollars! You can’t just let whoever drive on our pavement!”

Confused and sure she’s joking, I laugh a little.

Me: “Yeah…”

Boss: “I’m serious! That was not okay! Never let anyone park here again unless they’re one of our customers! Even when we’re closed. I’m not made of money, you know.”

Me: “Okay. Sorry?”

Boss: “Just don’t let it happen again.”

So, not only was my boss creepily watching me and listening to my conversations over the security cameras while I was the only one in the building, but she actually tried to tell me it costs her a thousand dollars to have someone drive over her pavement. I have repeatedly watched this woman call a tow-truck on people when we are closed or have extra parking. I have since left the studio.

Urine A (ClO)t Of Trouble

, , , , , , | Working | November 30, 2018

As a young assistant, I had many jobs within a recording studio. One was cleaning the bathroom. Our bathroom was in the back of the studio, down the stairs in the dingy basement.

One morning I arrived to the screaming of the mixer, demanding I go downstairs and scrub the bathroom. Good assistant that I am, I ran to the store and bought every cleaning supply that I could carry, and proceeded to clean the bathroom: Comet in the sinks, Pine Sol on the floors, bleach in the toilet.

I was scrubbing and rinsing and mopping, and I heard through the studio speakers that I was needed in the control room. I left the half-finished job to align a tape machine, and then I was requested to do a messenger run.  

It was about midday by then and I returned to the office. Everyone was looking at me like I was a dead man walking. Finally, someone got enough nerve to tell me that the mixer was looking for me and that they’d never heard him this angry. I ran to the studio, and as I walked in, he was standing in front of the console crying, and screamed, “IF I COULD RUN, I WOULD KILL YOU WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS!”

Well, I had never finished cleaning the bathroom. This engineer decided to take a toilet break, sat on the toilet, and opened his newspaper. As he urinated, smoke started rising from inside the toilet and through his legs. I never flushed the bleach in the toilet; ammonia and bleach create chlorine gas, which burned his skin from the top of his bum to just above the back of his knees. He couldn’t sit for two weeks, which is tough for a recording engineer.

I somehow held onto my job. I guess the chief engineer thought it was funny.