After a forty-minute in-depth presentation entitled “Pay Per Click Activity.”

Me: “…and that’s all the pay per click activity we have run this month.”

Client: “Looks great. But how do we get paid?”

Me: “It’s pay per click.”

Client: “As in…”

Me: “We get paid per click.”

Client: “I’m not getting it.”

Me: “I’ve attached four different options for the cover page. Please let me know which one you prefer so I can purchase the relevant stock image. I’ve provided the cost of each image below for your convenience. Thanks.”

One week later:

Client: “Yes… I like the images.”

I run a swim shop. I had a middle-aged gentleman come in shopping for a pair of jammers — compression shorts-style swimsuits for men. He kept coming out of the dressing room to grab the next size up. He was getting more and more frustrated each time he came out. I would be, too, if I started looking at a waist size thirty-four and was suddenly looking in the size forty bin.

Finally, he huffed and said:

Customer: “Where the h*** are your men’s sizes?! None of these will go up my thighs! I swear my pants are a waist size thirty-four.”

I glanced at the jammer in his hand.

Me: “Have you been remembering to untie the drawstring before you try and put the suit on?”

I am working at the fabric counter in a craft store when a little old man wanders in, looking extremely lost and clutching a scrap of fabric for dear life.

Me: “Hello! Can I help you find something?”

Customer: *Very hesitantly holds out the fabric scrap* “My wife sent me to get more of this fabric.”

Me: “No problem! This looks like a cotton quilting fabric. Let’s go over to that section and see if we can find a match.”

I take the customer to the quilting fabrics section and start looking for a match. As I look, the customer stands nearby, still seeming confused. I finally find a fabric that’s a close match, but because of different dye batches, the colors are very slightly different.

Me: *Shows customer the fabric* “This one is almost the same as what you have. The colors aren’t quite an exact match, but very close. Do you think this will work for your wife?”

Customer: *Looks at me with a look of panic in his eyes* “I don’t know. I’m color-blind!”

I ended up sending him home with a sample of the new fabric to show his wife and told him that if his wife approved, he could come back and buy more.

Back in 1987, I worked at a department store, and multiple customers came in after the holidays and had this exchange with me.

Customer: “I’d like to return this item I got as a present.”

I looked up the item.

Me: “This item was purchased on sale, so your refund will be [total].”

Customer: “What?! My [Friend/Family Member] wouldn’t buy me a gift that was on sale!”

These sales were going on since before Thanksgiving that year. Fine, ask the giver to ante up with a receipt, which they would never do.