(I turn up to a job interview and I’m waiting in the reception. I get disturbed by a familiar voice.)

Ex-Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]! How are you doing?”

Me: “Hey, it’s great to see you! I didn’t know you worked here.”

Ex-Coworker: “Not just working here; I’m giving you an interview!”

(The interview goes great! We are laughing and joking, and swapping stories more than answering questions. I meet some of the team and get on well. The job, the people, the company, all seem great. I’m told the job is mine if I want it. A week later I arrange a second interview with the director, knowing that my ex-coworker would have put a good word in for me. I’m quietly confident).

Director: “Good to meet you. Take a seat. [Ex-Coworker] has told me a great deal about you and your experience. I’m impressed.”

Me: “Thank you. I’m feeling very positive about this role as well.”

Director: “Great, great. Let me ask you something. How would you feel about working with copyright law?”

Me: “Er, I’m confused. Would that be a part of the role?”

Director: “Well, we have a legal team, but we want to bring it in house.”

Me: “I will be honest with you; I’ve never studied or practised law. This would be a totally new field for me.”

(The interview goes on in this fashion for another half an hour. We never refer back to the job description, just more and more roles that are totally alien to the job. Each one is not on my CV or hinted at previously. I leave the interview feeling very let down, with an ideal opportunity on my doorstep turned into a total waste. The director shows me out, but not before telling me:)

Director: “I hope we haven’t put you off. I don’t want you to think that we don’t know what we want in a candidate.”

(That was exactly the case; I never bothered to ask for feedback!)

(I work for the Manager-from-Hell, in a service department for a firm that sells and maintained industrial fridges/freezers, cooker ranges, massive toasters, etc. The service department is arranged so that the three administrators (I and two others) divide up the customers between us. Some of our customers only have the one walk-in freezer or industrial toaster, so their livelihood is affected if we don’t get out there and fix the problems. Our manager loves himself so much, always sees himself as ‘in’ with the directors, and is always a bit too fast to jump at you for mistakes.)

Manager: “[My Name]! You know what you’ve done? We’re going to lose this customer because of you! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CRAP THE MANAGING DIRECTOR JUST GAVE ME BECAUSE OF YOU? WELL, DO YOU?!”

Me: *getting flustered, because I haven’t been there long and it is hot in that office* “What’s the customer’s name? I’ll get the paperwork out and see what’s—”

Manager: “Never MIND what the customer’s called! You know D*** WELL know what they’re called! You spoke to them twice today, so don’t give me that!”

(This ‘conversation’ is taking place in full view and hearing of my colleagues, and the other offices go strangely quiet; they can hear him, too.)

Me: “[Manager], unless you tell me who it is, I can’t do anything about it, so—”

Manager: “GOD ALMIGHTY, [My Name], you’re just so d***ed useless! I don’t know why we took you on! Bloody useless!” *storms off to the MD’s office*

Me: *to the office in general* “Does anyone know who he’s talking about?”

(My colleagues just shrug, so we get back to work. But now I’m getting angry, and wondering if I’ve taken a problem job. Ten minutes later, the manager asks me to come into the kitchen; he even asks in a nice, polite way. When we get there, he closes the door after us, smiles and says:)

Manager: “[My Name], I’m really sorry for shouting at you like that. The mistake wasn’t yours; it was actually [Other Department]’s fault. It was them who’d talked to the client. I’m sorry for blaming you.”

Me: “Wow, thanks for the apology! But I won’t accept it until you come with me.” *takes him back to our office* “[Manager], would you mind repeating what you said in the kitchen, please?”

Manager: “Really, [My Name]? You’re going to make me embarrass myself?” *gives a jolly hahaho – an obviously fake laugh*

Me: “Yes, [Manager]. I think it’s only right, seeing as you ripped a piece off me without any idea what was going on. ‘New girl gets the blame.’ Is that your style? Anyway, who was the customer?”

Manager: “It was one of [Coworker]’s accounts. Sorry.”

(So, he did apologise — mechanically and monotonously, but he did. That was the first run-in I had with him, and I had many more in the three years I was there. The only reason I was there so long is that I promised myself I’d see him gone before I did. We absolutely hated each other’s guts. When he left, I handed in my notice. I got a better revenge, though. He insisted on giving me a lift home one night in his new car, to show off. I accepted, seeing as it was pouring down. When we got there, he asked if my husband was in (for more bragging), so I took him into the flat. Our little cat was having a bit of a bad tummy reaction to a cat food I’d given her, and she also liked to sit on strangers’ laps. She bounced up onto my manager’s lap, curled up, fell asleep and then farted the smelliest fart I’d ever smelled her do. It was gross, and I loved it a lot. The manager’s face was a picture. Perfect timing, Fuzzball!)

(Sometimes I wonder how my sister and I are related as she comes out with some really stupid one liners. Usually when we explain she’s wrong she shrugs and accepts it but this time is different. We’re listening to a radio station in our living room when she changes it to a Christmas station. Note: it’s March at the time.)

Sister: “Why are there Christmas stations this time of year? Christmas was three months ago.”

Me: “There are stations that play Christmas music all year round.”

Sister: “Well, I suppose it’s Christmas somewhere.”

(I glance over thinking she is joking, but nope, she looks totally serious.)

Me: “I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Christmas somewhere?”

Sister: “Yeah, like in Australia or South Africa.”

Me: “No, that’s not how it works. Australia is ahead of us so they get Christmas a day before us but that’s the biggest gap.”

Sister: “But they have summer in our winter.”

Me: “Yes, they do, but the date of Christmas never changes. It’s always the 25th of December so I can guarantee you that no-one is celebrating Christmas in March.”

(She seemed to accept this and move on. I have no idea if she understood what I was saying.)

(We are a very sociable company and many of us turn up early to eat breakfast before starting work. A few people have turned up extra early as we are behind on some of our orders. Colleague #1 from the other team has come to our side of the office before we officially start. Colleague #2 is still finishing her breakfast, which today is a chocolate filled pastry that has mostly melted in the heat and so she is covered in chocolate.)

Colleague #1: “Hey, [Colleague #2], I know it is still five minutes before you start, but is there any chance you could do [very quick one-minute task], please?”

Colleague #2: “Sorry, you will need to wait until I have finished breakfast.”

Colleague #1: “Um, really? You know we are behind and I need to get this sent as soon as possible. Could you please do it now and finish your breakfast after?”

Colleague #2: *shows her chocolate covered hands* “You can either have it in a few minutes, or you can have it covered in chocolate. Which would you prefer?”

Colleague #1: “I guess I can wait a few minutes.”

(I am in the teacher’s staff room during break. Another teacher comes in and sits down on the same sofa as me. She practically goes pale.)

Me: “Are you all right?”

Teacher: *shaking her head* “I… there’s something on the sofa.”

Me: “What? Get up and let’s see.”

Teacher: *shaking her head more* “No.”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Teacher: “I…”

(I lean in.)

Teacher: “I… I’VE S**T MYSELF!”

(She jumps up screaming that she needs to get to a toilet, but not sure how she can without running into students. I stare in disbelief for a moment before looking down at the seat. I start to laugh.)

Me: “[Teacher]! [TEACHER]! It was just a marble.”

(She stops jumping around and stares at the marble for a second before joining me in the laughter.)

Teacher: “That’s a relief!”

(Break ended ten minutes later, and as we stepped outside, every student there screamed “I’VE S*** MYSELF!”)