Digging Your Nails Into This Alibi

, , , , , | Working | July 9, 2018

(A coworker bursts into my office.)

Coworker: *thrusting a sheet of paper into my hand* “I need you to sign this!”

Me: *after reading the paper* “[Coworker], I can’t sign this. This says you attended [Meeting] yesterday.”

Coworker: “I know; I sort of need an alibi.”

Me: “But this wouldn’t prove anything. [Meeting] is held over instant messenger. All someone has to do it check the record and see you weren’t in it.”

Coworker: “So, you won’t help me? God, you’re so mean now that you’ve been promoted. I could lose my job.”

Me: “What’s the alibi for, anyway?”

Coworker: “I needed to nip out and get a pedicure for my great-aunt’s funeral on Friday, and I can only get it done at [Salon], which is near [Town]. And, well, the parking is really bad, so I took the metro, and I ended up being gone for five hours.”

Me: “Five hours?! You know you could’ve taken compassionate leave?”

Coworker: “And missed ogling at those construction workers across the road? Think straight, [My Name]!” *leaves*

(She probably would have gotten away with her little frolic, had she not acted suspicious and blurted out a fabricated story to her manager, who then followed up on it and discovered the truth. She wasn’t fired, but she lost access to her company car for the rest of the week, meaning she had to pay to drive to the funeral. A rumour started later that month that she decided not to go, and spent all day at home.)

At The Appointed Name And Time

, , , , , | Right | April 27, 2018

(I have an appointment for a blood draw first thing in the morning. I walk in and go to the automated check-in system, and it flashes back at me that it has booked me in under somebody else’s name, so I go up to the desk.)

Me: “Hi, sorry. The automated system just tried booking me in as [Other Name], but I’m actually [My Name]. You couldn’t check I’m definitely booked in, please?”

Receptionist: “Sure thing. I’m surprised the automated system ever works, to be honest.”

(She pauses for a second, then clearly tries and fails not to smile.)

Receptionist: “Yeah, okay, you’re booked in. The name you read, that’s not you; that’s who your appointment is with.”

Me: “It’s too early. That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it!”

The Wheels Of Change

, , , , , | Right | April 12, 2018

(I am a museum curator at a transport museum. I’m teaching a class of six-year-olds and have asked them to take a close look at the wheels on one of our buses. As I move around checking they can all reach one, a little girl stops me with a worried expression.)

Girl: “[Boy] says girls can’t touch wheels; he says we aren’t allowed.”

Me: “Oh, really? Where’s [Boy]?”

(The other children all turn and look at one boy.)

Me: “If girls can’t touch the buses, why do you think there is a woman running the whole place? I even drive the tractors! Don’t forget: girls can do anything. Now, everyone, have a good look at those wheels.”

Girl: “Wow!”

No Vocation For Location, Part 20

, , , , , , , | Friendly | April 5, 2018

(My housemates and I have invited one of our mutual friends over, and he asks if he can bring a girl he’s been really keen to ask out the last couple of weeks. We agree, and he invites her along, too. When she arrives, she seems like a perfectly nice person; however, she isn’t the sharpest tool in the box. At one point, we get around to talking about my dad.)

Friend: “How’s your dad doing?”

Me: “Oh, he’s okay, thanks. He’s in Geneva right now.”

Girl: “Er… What’s he doing there?”

Me: “There’s an academic conference there, and he’s giving a speech.”

Girl: “But why does he have to go out all the way to Africa?”

Me: “What?”

Girl: “Geneva. That’s in Africa, ain’t it?”

Me: “No, it’s in Switzerland.”

Girl: “But I thought that guy in The Last King of Scotland was the ruler of Geneva.”

Friend: “That was Uganda!”

Girl: “Oh.”

(Unfortunately, that is not a one-off, and throughout the evening she continues to her put her foot in it. At one point in the evening, we are watching the highlights from an AC Milan game.)

Housemate #1: “That’s an amazing strike.”

Girl: “Those Spaniards are really good at football, aren’t they?”

Housemate #2: “Spaniards? You mean Italians?”

Girl: “No, Spain. Milan is in Spain; I went there!”

Me: “That’s impossible. It’s in Italy.”

Girl: “No, it isn’t. It’s that place by the sea that all the British people like!”

Friend: “You went to Majorca, not Milan.”

Girl: “Oh, right. Well, it was with my family, so I guess I didn’t pay attention.” *laughs nervously*

Related:
No Vocation For Location, Part 19
No Vocation For Location, Part 18
No Vocation For Location, Part 17

Unfiltered Story #108249

, , , | Unfiltered | April 5, 2018

(Just to set some context, I work in a large coffee chain in the north of England, and until this point we had never had an American come in the store. This middle aged American woman comes in with one of our loyalty cards which must be reloaded and the money must be used in order to get your points. Before I can even greet her, she approaches the till, holds up her card and says:)

Customer: With this card, I am single-handedly keeping this store afloat.

Me: (slightly stunned at this point) Uh… Okay. What can I get for you today?

Customer: Well first of all you can tell me how much is on my card.

Me: (swipes card to check balance) *laughing* There’s actually nothing on your card at the moment…

Customer: (looking a bit sheepish) Oh… Okay. Well can I put two hundred dollars on it?

Me: (I’ve never ever reloaded that much money onto a card before.) “Well we only deal in pound sterling here. So I can put two hundred pounds on? But that won’t be the same amount as dollars I’m afraid.

(The lady looks shocked as if the difference between pounds and dollars had never occurred to her before.)

Customer: But you’re an American company!! Why can’t you just put it on in dollars?

Me: No, we can only reload in pounds, we are in Britain.

(Eventually the customer agrees to load her card with a significantly smaller amount of money in pounds, and then all she buys is a small coffee which is £2.50.)

Me: I thought you wanted a lot more money than that going on?

Customer: “YOU FREAKIN’ CORPORATE COMPANIES! ALWAYS TRYING TO SQUEEZE MORE MONEY OUT OF ME! YOURE ALL THIEVES! *grabs tiny coffee and leaves.*

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