Me: “That will be [total].”

Customer: “Why’d your prices go up?”

Me: “Well, the cigarette tax just went up.”

Customer: “This sounds illegal.”

Me: “The state tax on cigarettes just went up. We don’t have control over that.”

Customer: “I know the President of the United States. I think I’m gonna give him a call.”

Me: “Okay… have a nice day.”

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Customer: “Hi, I wanted to return this set of knives and your cashier wouldn’t let me.”

Me: “When was the original date of purchase, ma’am?”

(She hands me a receipt.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Since you bought these over 60 days ago, we won’t be able to refund your money.”

Customer: “But I don’t want them anymore. Just take them back and give me my money.”

Me: “I’m not able to do that, ma’am.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the god-d*** knives! Take them!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is not in my power to do a return for you.”

Customer: “Well, then get someone who can, god-d*** it!”

Me: “Ma’am, you don’t understand. After 60 days, the system locks out the transaction. It is in nobody’s power to refund you.”

Customer: “You god-d*** incompetent pieces of s***! I don’t want these f****** knives, and I want you to take them back now!”

Me: “There is nothing I can do to help you, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s because of f****** fascists like you that we’re at war in Iraq! Do you realize that? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

(I used to work in a building on 17th and Pennsylvania Ave, which is a block away from the White House.)

Me: “Good morning, [Company].”

Lady: “Uh, hi… is this office in DC?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, this is the DC office. How may I direct your call?”

Lady: “Is your building by the White House?”

Me: “Yes, it is…?”

Lady: “Can you run over there and tell them to pick up the phone? I’ve been calling all day but I can’t get ahold of the President!”

Me: *click*

This story is part of our Presidents Day roundup!

Read the next Presidents Day roundup story!

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(It’s a slow night at our fast food/sandwich shop, so we’re chatting with the customers. This particular customer is a regular, and is discussing birthday presents with my coworker.)

Customer: “Yeah, I got my kids guns for their birthdays!”

Coworker: “How old are they?!”

Customer: “In their 20s.”

Coworker: *shocked* “But guns kill people!”

Customer: “Well, they may need to protect themselves someday, you know.”

Coworker: “From what? Wild animals?”

Customer: “No, from Democrats!”

(My coworker got very offended, and a rather loud debate ensued between them as I tried helplessly to control my laughter.)

Customer: “I’m here to pick up a book I ordered.”

Me: “Did you receive a card saying it was in?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Great, let me get it for you. What’s your last name?”

Customer: *gives last name*

Me: *goes to special order shelf, behind the cash wrap, to find the book*

Customer: *comes behind the cash wrap and looks too*

Me: “Sir, I need to ask you to step back in front of the registers. This is a secure area.”

Customer: *ignores, keeps looking*

Me: “Sir, please step back! We don’t allow customers in this area!”

Customer: *grumbles, steps back*

Me: *finds book, completes sale*

Customer: *leaves*

Coworker: *laughing* “Do you know who that was?”

Me: “Well… he looked familiar.”

Coworker: “That was the governor! You just bossed the governor around!”

(I felt a little silly for not recognizing him, but he hadn’t been governor for long, had a common last name and looked like every other rich, entitled guy whoever came into the store.)