(It is Christmas, and fresh out of high school, I am working a desk where customers can get bonus gifts by showing a receipt for a certain amount. Today, we have crystal swan candy dishes, but they are gone in less than an hour. I’m a big guy, working with [Coworker #1], who is a very petite girl. The line for our counter extends from the center of the store out into the mall.)

Coworker #2: *walking past the line* “We are out of crystal swans; they might have some at our sister location, but as they are very popular, we doubt it.” *repeats*

(Most customers are understanding, until this woman comes to my coworker.)

Customer: “I want a swan.”

Coworker #1: *repeating what has been said half a dozen times while the woman was in line* “We’re sold out, ma’am. You might try our other location, but they’re very popular.”

Customer: “Give me one of the ones you have put aside for you.”

Coworker #1: “We’re not allowed to put any aside; we’re completely out. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Quit holding out on me, you b****!”

(She punctuates this by slapping my coworker, who staggers back. My customer is horrified and nods encouragement as I sidestep to intercept the customer’s return backhand swing. The woman stops short as she realizes she’s now staring at a large man’s chest instead of a small girl’s face.)

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: *sullenly* “That b**** won’t give me my swan!”

Me: *over my shoulder* “Call security.” *to the woman* “I’m sorry, we’re out.”

(I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, except that the woman stayed there calmly waiting. Security came and escorted the woman away as the customers still present consoled my coworker and I tried to get the line moving again. We eventually learned that not only was the woman not penalized by security, they in fact found her a swan from a display somewhere that my counter had no access to. Way to encourage bad behavior, security. Lady, I hope you enjoyed your so-important crystal swan candy dish! Way to show the Christmas spirit!)

(It’s a couple of days after Christmas; the lines for returns are longer than the lines for Black Friday were. I am in said line for a slightly different reason than most, it seems; two out of three people end up shouting about credit cards and gift receipts. I don’t like making a scene, so I usually don’t intervene, but as time goes on, I start getting more and more frustrated, until I’m finally next in line.)

Customer: *in front of me* “It’s about d*** time! Do you know how long I’ve been standing here waiting while you were dilly-dallying with all those other people?”

Worker: “I’m so sorry, sir, we’ve just been really busy, but we always try—”

Customer: “No! No excuses; don’t you start with that! I’m so pissed off right now! I’ve wasted over half an hour waiting here, just for you to start wasting more time when I get up!”

Worker: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I can take care of you right now and—”

Customer: “”Oh, I see! Everyone else can take all the time they want, but I have to rush my way through it! I don’t think so! I’m pissed off, and you’re going to hear about it! I just—”

Me: “HEY!”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

Me: “You’re just making things take longer for everyone else behind you! It’s because of idiots like you, feeling like entitled twits that the whole world has to stop and take care of, that THIS—” *gesturing to the whole line* “—happens! So shut up, handle the return, and move on!”

Customer: “I’m not even trying to return something; they screwed up a price!”

Me: “Then hand her the d*** receipt!”

(The customer’s attitude never improved, but at least they got on with it. When the other customer service clerk called me up, she whispered, “Thank you for that,” to me. Having worked retail — and really only needing to exchange a bottle of sauce with a busted seal that had gone funky — I was more than happy to try to get everyone out of there a little faster.)

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(When I am in high school, for some reason my grade happens to have the fewest kids in it, and almost nobody transfers in, so our numbers just dwindle further. My senior year we’re at the homecoming pep rally, and they’re going around getting each grade to sing our school’s fight song, which is to the tune of Camptown Lady. I happen to know the exact numbers because I am in the yearbook committee.)

Coach: “FRESHMEN, are you ready!?”

107 Freshmen: “YEAH!” *sing out the song*

Coach: “Okay, okay, that was pretty good. SOPHOMORES, can you beat that?”

121 Sophomores: “YEAH!” *sing out the song even louder*

Coach: “All right, that was great! JUNIORS, are you even better?”

147 Juniors: “YYYYEEEAAAHHH!” *absolutely bellow the song, stomping and clapping, probably setting off earthquake sensors*

Coach: “AWESOME! SEEEENIOOOORRRRS, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT THAT?!”

91 Seniors: “Nooo!”

(It wasn’t rehearsed or anything, nor even the result of “last year apathy,” just cold, hard facts! Thankfully everyone was laughing too hard, and the gung-ho coach didn’t get mad.)

(I’m in a local pizza parlor. I have just stopped at the grocery store next door for some things, so rather than get delivery, I am just going to bring the pizza home. While waiting for it to be finished, another customer comes storming in.)

Customer: “Where’s my d*** pizzas?!”

(The girl at the register looks startled, but I half-hear the guys in the back say something like, “Not again.”)

Worker: “I’m sorry, what name was it ordered under?”

Customer: “The same name I always order it under, and you always take too d*** long!”

Worker: “I really am sorry that it took too long, but we’re very busy, and we’ve been telling everyone orders will be at least forty-five minutes to an hour.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know, and that’s too long! I’ve been waiting at least that much! Where’s my order for [several pizzas]?!”

(One of the guys making the pizzas pipes up.)

Cook: “Probably at your front door; the driver left with it about three minutes ago.”

Customer: “Bull! I know you lazy b*****ds are just standing around and—”

(Right on cue, his cell phone goes off. He answers angrily and stomps around the eating area while yelling back and forth. While he is doing so, the owner of the business comes out of the back.)

Customer: “I demand to be compensated for this!”

Owner: “No. Every two weeks you pull this nonsense, and every two weeks we tell you the same thing; you’re not getting free pizza because you think you’re special and we’ll magically make five pizzas in half the time it takes to make one! Especially in the middle of the football playoffs!”

Customer: “That’s what these are for; we’re trying to watch it at my house!”

Me: “These guys make some of the best pizza I’ve ever had; are you actually surprised that they get busy, especially at a time like this?! If you know it’s going to take an hour to get to you, then order an hour sooner! Stop making those of us that want to order look bad, and use your d*** head!”

(The customer didn’t get his free pizza, had to wait for the driver to get back, and took it home himself. I got a fist-bump from one of the cooks, and the owner handed me a bottle of soda; apparently being a regular that helps out is a better way to get stuff than being a jacka**!)

(I volunteer at my local library from middle school until I leave the area for college, and during that time I am the youngest staff member by about forty years. Given my age and familiarity with the library, the other staff members frequently come to me for opinions on book-related things for younger library patrons. This particular occasion, however, is one I may never be able to forget.)

Head Librarian: “Hey, [My Name], you’re pretty familiar with book trends for teens, right?”

Me: “Yeah, I keep track. I like to pay attention to what the other kids at school are reading, and I check what’s selling well online.”

Head Librarian: “Right. Do you think you could come up with a list of things we could do to get a bigger teen presence in the library? Different things we could have in stock that they would consider worth it?”

Me: “Sure. Not a problem.”

(I spend a significant chunk of my summer vacation on this project, listing out the most popular things I know kids at the local high school like, as well as researching what’s growing in popularity. Then I take it back to the head librarian.)

Me: “There are three main problem areas in our inventory. First, there aren’t any comic books, manga, or graphic novels. They’re very popular, and that popularity is only growing. I highly recommend getting some collections in both junior fiction and young adult fiction, because that alone is going to be a great way to start. Second, we have a DVD collection, but it’s rather sparse and outdated, and it contains almost no television. It would be a smart investment to commit to a wider collection of DVDs, because they’ll bring teens in the door, and from there the rest of the library will be used. Third, new adult fiction. I know it’s an iffy genre, but making a separate section just for books geared a bit older than the standard young adult will make that whole section a lot more user-friendly for the older teens who want to read more mature books without jumping straight to adult fiction.”

(She’s just staring at me, so I press on, handing her a few stapled-together sheets of paper.)

Me: “I put together lists of the most recommended comics, graphic novels, and manga, as well as some recommendations for DVDs and new adult fiction.”

Head Librarian: “Hm… I was just thinking you’d tell me everything was fine. Or that we should make more hot chocolate.”

Me: “I mean, that’s fine, but if you want me to tell you what teens are looking for, that’s it.”

Head Librarian: *pause* “Hm… I’m just not sure I believe that’s what’ll work.”

(She then walked away without a thank-you, and nothing I recommended happened. Years later, I was invited to a meeting at the library where an auditor was checking everything over and then giving a recommendation. I showed up, and what do you know. The very first thing he recommended? Manga and graphic novels.)