(I’ve just been informed that the system we use for having visitors sign in and out is down over the entire country. Fantastic. So, I turn the sign-in computer around so it’s facing me instead of any visitors and I put a large, brightly-colored sign on it that says, “System is down. Please use the paper to your left to sign in and out. Thank you!”)

Visitor #1: *goes right to turning the sign-in computer around*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that computer is down right now. Can you sign in on the paper, please?”

Visitor #1: “Oh!” *looks surprised* “Okay…”

Me: *inner facepalm*

Visitor #2: *stares at the sign* “Oh… Can I not use this, then? How do I sign in?”

Me: *indicates the paper and pen right in front of her*

Visitor #2: “Ugh, that’s too complicated.” *proceeds to take five minutes to write her name, the time, and who she’s visiting*

Visitor #3: *reads the sign and proceeds to sign in with the pen and paper* “Well, isn’t this quaint!”

Me: *smiles* “Thanks.”

Visitor #3: “It wasn’t a compliment.” *stomps off*

Me: *faith in humanity gone… again*

(My university dining hall posts allergen information for the most common allergens. Unfortunately, some of us have less common allergies and the listed allergens aren’t enough, so I’ve learned to ask about ingredients.)

Me: “Hi. Could you tell me what vegetables are in the vegetable pot pie?”

Employee: “What does the sign say?”

Me: “It says, ‘Vegetable pot pie,’ so it doesn’t say what vegetables are in it.”

Employee: “I would assume it’s just vegetables.”

Me: “That doesn’t answer my question. There are many different vegetables. Some of them I can eat; others I can’t.”

Employee: *shrug*

(I ended up not risking it. But, seriously? This is not a weird question.)

(I am a waitress and two older women are seated in my section.)

Me: “Hi, can I start you off with anything to drink?”

Customer #1: “I would love a diet Coke.”

Customer #2: “Oh, yes, that sounds great. I will have one, too, but no ice.”

Me: “No problem. Can I get you anything else?”

([Customer #1] starts asking a few questions about our menu. After about a minute, she seems done with her questions.)

Me: “Can I get you anything else right now?”

Customer #2: “Yes, can I change my mind about my drink?”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer #2: *starts yelling* “Don’t you patronize me with all that ‘of course’ nonsense. Next time I want to tell you that I have changed my mind, you’d better tell me to get over myself and live with my decisions. Got it?”

Me: “Um, yes, ma’am.”

Customer #2: “Good. Now I would like a hot chocolate with only a little whipped cream.”

Me: “Okay, is there anything else you need?”

Customer #1: *not reacting to anything that just happened* “I am ready to order if that’s all right.”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer #2: *calm* “Oh, good, I would like blueberry pancakes.”

(I’m at an ethnic food restaurant; the menu doesn’t have any sort of descriptions of the items.)

Me: *to waitress* “What is an [item]?”

Waitress: “It’s a [slightly different pronunciation].” *stares at me*

Me: *stares back for several seconds* “What is it?”

Waitress: “It’s an [item]!”

Me: “I have no idea what that is.”

Waitress: *explains it to me like I’m three years old instead of just telling me it’s a type of pasta*

(I work at an assisted living facility. A resident comes shuffling up to my desk and stands there looking expectantly at me.)

Me: “Good morning, [Resident]. [Coworker] has already taken the papers for delivery.”

Resident: “Well, where is she?”

Me: “She’s probably still on the first floor.”

Resident: “Why didn’t she give me my paper?”

Me: “I guess she didn’t see you. Did you see her?”

Resident: “No. I was just upstairs. Why didn’t she drop the paper at my door?”

Me: “I don’t think she’s been up to the second floor yet.”

Resident: “Well, why don’t you know? You should know where she is!”

Me: “I’m sorry? I don’t have any way of knowing where she’s gone. She’s usually very quick at it, though, so you should have your paper soon.”

Resident: “I don’t understand why the h*** she doesn’t leave the paper at the desk.”

Me: “Because you asked for it to be delivered to your room.”

Resident: “No, I wanted it left here. I told you idiots to leave the d*** thing here.”

Me: *knowing full well he didn’t* “Okay, [Resident]. Would you like it left here instead of delivered, then?”

Resident: “Yes! D***, you’re all idiots! Now, where’s my paper today?”

Me: *vein-pop* “[Coworker] is delivering it.”

Resident: “I just told you to leave it at the desk!”

Me: “That’s… that’s not how that works. She already has it for today.”

Resident: *incoherent yelling as he stomps off*

(I guess I’m supposed to be omniscient, know where my coworkers are at all times, be able to magically apparate his paper back to the desk, and also be psychic to know what everyone wants. Also, this lovely man… if we leave his paper at the desk, that day he wants it delivered. If we deliver it, he wants it left at the desk. And every time, I’m an idiot for not knowing he’s changed his mind yet again.)