Tripped Up

, , , , | Right | January 31, 2011

(One of the kids at my martial arts camp has gotten so bad that I have to call his mother.)

Me: “Ma’am, your son has not been paying attention during training, and is disrupting the other kids.”

Mother: “Well, maybe my son needs a male influence instead of a little girl!”

Me: “The kids are arranged according to proficiency level. We can’t move him.”

Mother: “That’s funny… You say you can’t control him, but you can threaten to throw him down a flight of stairs easily enough!”

Me: “Who told you I threatened to throw him down a flight of stairs?”

Mother: “He did! He said you threatened to throw him down the stairs!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a one-story building.”

(Brief pause.)

Mother: “I will talk to him tonight.”

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Questionable Answers

, , | Right | January 24, 2011

(I’m in the comics section, helping a man find a present for his daughter. I’ve picked up a book by a popular artist.)

Customer: “It looks nice, but I already got her one of these things for her birthday. I don’t want to give her the same gift twice.”

Me: “Are you sure? This book came out pretty recently. Did yours have the same title as this one?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Did the cover have the same colors as this?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Is there anything you recall about the book you got for her birthday?”

Customer: *after a long, thoughtful pause* “It was made of paper!”

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Taking His Sweet Time

, , , , | Right | January 20, 2011

(A mother is shopping with her five-year-old son, who is lagging behind.)

Mother: “C’mon! We’re in a hurry!”

Son: “Mama, I was looking at the chocolate pudding. You know, you’re not supposed to bother me while I’m looking at the chocolate pudding.”

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Catfish Caught His Tongue

, , , , | Right | January 4, 2011

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I want fish.”

Me: “All right, what kind of fish? We have catfish, tilapia, or grouper.”

Customer: “I just want fish.”

Me: “I have to know what kind you want.”

Customer: “I just want some d*** fish. How hard is that?”

Me: “Catfish it is. Whole or filet?”

Customer: “Whole is with the bones?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Filet. I don’t like bones.”

Me: “All right.”

(I return ten minutes later with his order.)

Me: “Here you are, sir. Any sauce or anything?”

Customer: “This isn’t what I wanted.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “I’m allergic to fish!”

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Throwing A Spanner In The Wax

, , , , , | Right | December 8, 2010

(A customer is trying to combine coupons on one purchase; this is not allowed. One is a coupon that allows her to buy expensive candles for half off and the other is a basic “free item with any purchase” coupon.)

Me: “Oh, sorry. We’ll have to do this as two separate purchases. We’ll use your candle coupon first, then, if you just add another item you’ll qualify to use your second coupon and get your free item.”

Customer: “But I was purchasing the candle to get the free item.”

Me: “Yes, but you can’t use the coupon on the candle and then use a second coupon on the same purchase. But it’s okay; you can buy one of these cheap $1.00 items to qualify for the second coupon. I’ll just ring these items up separately.”

Customer: “Or maybe I don’t buy anything at all!”

(The customer swiped her cheap mailer coupon off the counter and walked away, leaving me holding her exclusive candle coupon.)

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