I’m a woman working at a popular home improvement store as a cashier, usually in the garden center. I wasn’t trained about plants, but from spending most of my time among them, getting answers to customer questions, talking with vendors, and working in my own garden, I’ve gained a fair bit of knowledge.

It’s mid-October, and the garden center is still open to sell pumpkins and the last of the decorative fall flowers, but it’s pretty quiet. I’m just hanging out by the cash register and daydreaming. The manager is working at the back, out of sight, but I can hear the engine on the pallet mover.

A man walks in, answers my greeting with a nod, and keeps on walking. He stops and scans around like he’s searching for something.

Me: “Can I help you with something?”

Customer: “Well, I wanted to talk to someone about what this is—” *pulls a weed from his pocket* “—and what I can do to get rid of it.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s crabgrass. We do have some sprays you can use for spot-killing, but this late in the season, you’re better off just letting your lawn go dormant and then spreading a pre-emergent crabgrass killer on your lawn in the spring.”

Customer: “So… is there someone I can talk to?”

I inwardly sigh, recognizing that by “someone”, he means “someone with a penis”. I call back to the manager and tell him a customer needs his assistance. He has to shut down and safely park the pallet mover, so it takes him a couple of minutes.

When he comes up, the customer shows him the crabgrass and the manager tells him, ALMOST VERBATIM, what I told him. He then takes the customer inside to show him where to find the sprays. Later, the manager comes back outside and stops to talk to me.

Manager: “I wish he had told you what he needed so I didn’t have to stop what I was doing.”

Me: “He did, and I told him the same thing you did.”

Manager: “What?! Then why did he need to interrupt me?!”

Me: *With exaggerated astonishment* “Did you not know that lawn care knowledge is stored in the male genitals? Obviously, I couldn’t know what I was talking about!”

Manager: “Aaarrrggghh!”

I work in a garden store, and thus, we have shorter hours due to fall/winter, so we close at 6:00 pm. Very often we have customers stay well past, until 7:00 pm. To prevent this, I walk around and tell customers that our registers will automatically close at 6:15 (they don’t). Usually, my area clears out well before then.

But tonight, these ladies really want to test it. I am tidying up one of the tables at the back of the store when these two older ladies walk out from inside, holding three small items.

It is 6:08.

Customer: “Where are your citrus trees?”

Me: “Oh, just letting you folks know, we did close at six, and our registers automatically shut off fifteen after, but we will be open tomorrow morning at eight.”

Customer: *Stares at me* “Okay, where are your citrus trees?”

Me: *Points* “White arches.”

Customer: “Thank you. Come on, Ma. They don’t want us here.”

The two of them walk to our citrus line. I look over at my coworker, who works in that section and is nearby.

Coworker: “I’ll help them.”

People, if an employee tells you they’re closed, they are closed. Whatever you’re buying can probably wait.

Customer: “I want an indoor plant that I don’t have to water.”

Me: “Well, cacti don’t need much but—”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to water them at all. What can I get?”

Me: “Without dying? I would recommend plants made of polyethylene or polythene.”

I know I am being a smarta**, but I get in trouble when I simply recommend plastic plants.

Customer: “And can I get these plants that are native to the US? I don’t want any foreign plants, especially ones from China!”

Me: “In fact, I think they’re exclusively from there.”

Customer: “This is why the communists are winning!”

I work as a florist/gardener. A lady comes in to get a small tree for her garden.

Customer: “How many leaves does this tree lose in autumn?”

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Customer: “Well, can you count them?”

Me: “…no.”

I am eighteen and have recently started a job at a garden store, and since I go in knowing almost nothing, I have to look up a few answers for customers.

Customer: “Excuse me? Can I have some help real quick?”

Me: “Of course! What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I need a good groundcover that can take mostly shade. It’s going under a large tree in my backyard, and it needs to be able to take lots of water.”

Me: “Okay, I have a few options in mind. Will they be in the ground or in containers?”

Customer: “They’ll be in the ground. I just don’t want the dirt showing under the tree.”

Me: “Okay! Here are a few options right here that love shade.”

As I am talking to her about the limited options she has, she wanders off farther down the table, where our more sunny groundcover is.

Customer: “What about this right here? This has pretty flowers on it and looks like it spreads nicely. What is this right here?”

Me: “That’s creeping thyme.”

Customer: “Will this do well in the area I want it?”

Me: “Let me double-check just to make sure.”

I pull out my phone — we’re all allowed to do this for this exact purpose — and look up the sun and watering needs for this creeping thyme. From what I find, this is the complete OPPOSITE of what she wants! Creeping thyme likes full sun and it’s drought-resistant.

Me: “Oh, it looks like that’s not a good one to go with. From what I’m seeing here, creeping thyme likes lots of sun and it does not like water.”

Customer: “But I like it, though. I’ll make it work.”

Me: “If you have another area you’d like to put this in, then that’d be great! But the area you described to me would not be suitable for this plant.”

Customer: *In a condescending tone. “No, no, it’s okay, it’ll work. It’ll be okay. I like this, so I’ll take it and plant it there and it’ll do just fine.”

Me: “No, ma’am, the thyme will die in that area because it’ll be overwatered.”

Customer: “You can’t overwater plants, dear. That’s not a thing.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you can, and it’s really easy to do since most don’t realize they’re overwatering until it’s too late.”

Customer: “Well, this will not be overwatered, and it’ll all be okay.”

She puts the flat of creeping thyme in her cart, which is $22.50.

Customer: “It’ll be okay, dear; I’ve been gardening for many years.” *Looks me up and down* “I can tell you just got out of school, so it’s okay.”

Me: *Now taken aback and laughing a bit in shock* “Uh, no, ma’am.”

Customer: *In a knowing tone, looking me up and down again* “Okay. Well, I’ll plant this in my yard, and it’ll all be okay.”

The woman then walked away, leaving me at the groundcover, deeply unnerved. To most people, these plants are just that, plants, and they are replaceable. But to me and my coworkers, we do care deeply about these plants and want to ensure they’re well taken care of.

I did tell my managers about this woman, and since she bought a flat of creeping thyme, she cannot return or exchange it, so really, she washed $22.50 down the drain.