Some People Just Can’t Be Helped

, , | Right | March 29, 2019

(A customer comes in wanting a refund on a plant because they’ve decided after a few days that they do not like it after all. Our refund policy allows switching plants, and it is still in its original pot, so no problem. Or so I thought…)

Me: “Do you know what plant you’d like to buy, instead, or would you like some help with that?”

Customer: “I’ve not quite decided yet. I thought I’d have a look around and see. There’s a bit of a problem, though: I looked and looked, but I couldn’t find the receipt. I’m really sorry.”

Me: “Oh, no problem. I remember selling this plant to you a couple of days ago.”

Customer: *looks worried* “But… I read your refund policy online. It said I needed a receipt to get a refund.”

Me: “I sold you the plant, so I know you bought it.”

Customer: “I don’t have the receipt, though!”

Me: “Okay, look at it this way: you need proof of purchase to get a refund, right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, that’s to prove to me that you bought it here, so I know whoever wants the refund isn’t trying to steal.”

Customer: “Yes?”

Me: “You remember me helping you choose this plant and then selling it to you, right?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, you were very helpful!”

Me: “And I remember it, too, so that’s proof of purchase. I know for a fact you bought it here!”

Customer: “But… I don’t have the receipt!”

Me: *gives up* “Tell you what. Without a receipt, I’m allowed to do a straight swap or give you store credit on your item. How does that sound?”

Customer: “Oh, that’d be great! I didn’t know you could do that.” *looks worried again* “You won’t get into trouble for it, will you?”

Me: “No, it’s covered under our refund policy.”

Customer: “I never knew you could do refunds without a receipt!”

Me: “…”

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Check On Batman’s Utility Belt, Next To The Shark Repellant

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(A customer catches me off guard with this gem:)

Customer: “You carry replacement eyes?”

Me: *feeling very much like I missed some important information* “Sorry? Replacement eyes?”

Customer: “Yeah, I figured they’d be right here but I don’t see any. You got ’em?”

Me: *struggling like hell to figure out what he’s talking about* “Are you talking about a photocell for an outdoor light? Maybe a garage door sensor?”

Customer: “No, new bird eyes!”

Me: “New… bird… eyes.”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! Where have you got ’em?”

(I look around, starting to wonder if I’m being pranked. We get quite a few customers who like to be silly or ask nonsense questions just to see how we’ll react. I decide to play along… cautiously.)

Me: “What kind of bird are we looking for new eyes for?”

Customer: “It’s an owl.”

(Suddenly I feel really stupid. I realize he’s talking about the fake plastic owls you put in a garden to keep smaller birds away.)

Me: “Yes! The fake plastic owls?”

Customer: *wondering how I could be so dense, after such an excellent description* “Well, yeah!”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t carry new eyes for the owls. The whole bird is only $5.99. I think they assume that if the eyes fall off, the rest of the bird is in pretty bad shape as well and in need of replacement.”

Customer: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with mine except that the eyes are gone. It’d be pretty wasteful to toss him out when all he needs is new eyes!”

Me: *good lord he’s gotten so attached, he’s assigned it a gender* “Sorry, sir, we don’t carry them. Even if they could be special ordered they would probably cost half as much as a replacement bird after shipping.”

Customer: *sighs deeply* “Fine. How about bird repellent?”

Me: *thrilled to have a clue this time* “We don’t carry bird specific repellant, but I think we have something that’ll work for you.” *I show him to the area where it’s kept* “Here we go!”

Customer: “Naw, naw, this won’t work. Where have you got the duck repellent?”

Me: “Duck repellent? We don’t carry bird specific spray repellant, sir. I would go with this general animal spray. The scent keeps them away.”

Customer: “Naw, I need the duck stuff. Where is it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t carry duck repellent.”

Customer: “No duck stuff?” *looking all over the shelf, obviously certain I’m lying or trying to hoard it all for myself* “I can’t believe you don’t carry that!”

Me: “To be honest, sir, we don’t get much call for duck repellent.”

Customer: *half to himself* “Man, can’t believe you guys don’t have that in stock. If ya did everyone would buy it.”

Me: “Sorry. If there’s anything else I can do to help let me know!”

(He walks away. I return to our service desk, where a coworker is standing.)

Me: “You ever heard of replacement bird eyes? Or duck repellent?”

Coworker: “What? Are you f****** with me?”

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Slugs And Snails And Puppy Dogs’ Tails

, , , | Right | March 18, 2019


Customer: “Do you think this is big enough for a dog?”

Me: “I don’t know. How big is it?”

(She looks me up and down.)

Customer: “About as big as your thighs.”

(I’m not sure if that is a read about my size, so I decide to ignore it.)

Me: “And what will it be using the box for, a bed?”

Customer: “Decomposing.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “It’s dead. I’m going to turn it into compost for my lilies.”

Me: “Oh, how… environmental?”

Customer: “Well, it was f****** useless in life. It may as well be useful in death. Actually, do you think it’s legal to compost your dead pets? I saw something on the TV about doing it with relatives, but pets are a bit different.”

Me: “I honestly couldn’t tell you. You’re the first person who has ever asked me.”

Customer: “Well, that’s f****** rude of you to say. I think I’ll take my dead dog and my business where I don’t have to look at your elephant thighs!”

(It’s then I noticed she had a large bag hanging from her other hand, and I saw a dog’s tail. She left, and thankfully she hasn’t been back during any of my shifts since.)

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Unfiltered Story #141872

, , | Unfiltered | February 26, 2019

After working with a customer for serveral minutes on whcih tyyo if rose she would like to purchase, she settled on a climbing rose (whihc is really just a rose that grows longer canes than average: they are NOT vines). All the roses were divided out by type Climbers, Tea Roses, Floribunda etc. After she perused the varieties we had in the climbing roses section, she moved on and began examining the floribundas and after a while brought one of those to me. “I like this one. The color is so pretty…but I want it to be a climber.” The floribunda rose she’d chosen was a shrub rose on the smaller side, possibly growing to 4′. I explained this and she begame belligerent, demanding that I switch it to a climber (as if I had the power to do such a thing) My coworker, delightedly listening from a distance, came over with a tag from one that was a climber and attached it to the floribunda whereupon she gave me a sniff  & went inside and purchased the rose.

I hope she was happy with the darn thing.

Othar, Friend Of Boris, First Of His Name

, , , , , | Working | February 18, 2019

(Our crew is doing the finicky task of sticking plant cuttings in soil. [Coworker #1] drops one, leans down to pick it up, and bumps his head on the table.)

Coworker #2: “Do you remember your name?”

Coworker #1: “Why, I’m Othar Tryggvassen, gentleman adventurer!”

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