Slugs And Snails And Puppy Dogs’ Tails

, , , | Right | March 18, 2019

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Cruelty

Customer: “Do you think this is big enough for a dog?”

Me: “I don’t know. How big is it?”

(She looks me up and down.)

Customer: “About as big as your thighs.”

(I’m not sure if that is a read about my size, so I decide to ignore it.)

Me: “And what will it be using the box for, a bed?”

Customer: “Decomposing.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “It’s dead. I’m going to turn it into compost for my lilies.”

Me: “Oh, how… environmental?”

Customer: “Well, it was f****** useless in life. It may as well be useful in death. Actually, do you think it’s legal to compost your dead pets? I saw something on the TV about doing it with relatives, but pets are a bit different.”

Me: “I honestly couldn’t tell you. You’re the first person who has ever asked me.”

Customer: “Well, that’s f****** rude of you to say. I think I’ll take my dead dog and my business where I don’t have to look at your elephant thighs!”

(It’s then I noticed she had a large bag hanging from her other hand, and I saw a dog’s tail. She left, and thankfully she hasn’t been back during any of my shifts since.)

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Unfiltered Story #141872

, , | Unfiltered | February 26, 2019

After working with a customer for serveral minutes on whcih tyyo if rose she would like to purchase, she settled on a climbing rose (whihc is really just a rose that grows longer canes than average: they are NOT vines). All the roses were divided out by type Climbers, Tea Roses, Floribunda etc. After she perused the varieties we had in the climbing roses section, she moved on and began examining the floribundas and after a while brought one of those to me. “I like this one. The color is so pretty…but I want it to be a climber.” The floribunda rose she’d chosen was a shrub rose on the smaller side, possibly growing to 4′. I explained this and she begame belligerent, demanding that I switch it to a climber (as if I had the power to do such a thing) My coworker, delightedly listening from a distance, came over with a tag from one that was a climber and attached it to the floribunda whereupon she gave me a sniff  & went inside and purchased the rose.

I hope she was happy with the darn thing.

Othar, Friend Of Boris, First Of His Name

, , , , , | Working | February 18, 2019

(Our crew is doing the finicky task of sticking plant cuttings in soil. [Coworker #1] drops one, leans down to pick it up, and bumps his head on the table.)

Coworker #2: “Do you remember your name?”

Coworker #1: “Why, I’m Othar Tryggvassen, gentleman adventurer!”

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Good Customer Service Doesn’t Grow On Trees

, , , , , | Hopeless Right | December 26, 2018

(I work in a garden centre. Due to being the on-site horticulturist and having a very even temper, I end up getting the complaints and difficult customers, even though on paper I am not officially responsible for complaints or refunds. It is close to Christmas, and we are working flat out, hauling real Christmas trees about when my radio phone rings.)

Coworker: “[My Name], sorry about this, but I’ve got a really angry customer who wants to speak to someone about a tree. She’s shouting really loudly. Can I put them through?”

Me: “Go ahead; I’ll do my best.”

(Click.)

Me: “Hello. This is the plant department. I’ve been told you’ve got a problem with a tree?”

Customer: “IT’S FULL OF BEETLES!”

(I realise from her tone of voice that she isn’t angry; she’s really, really upset.)

Me: “Oh, dear! What kind of tree is it, please?”

Customer: “I bought a Christmas tree from you, and I brought it inside, into my living room. A few hours later, all these beetles crawled out of it, and now my house is now full of them!”

Me: “Wow. That sounds… absolutely horrible. I’m so sorry! We definitely need to sort this out for you.”

Customer: *much calmer now* “Yes, so I was wondering… do you have any artificial trees? I’d like to buy one. Could you reserve one for me?”

(I pause to process what she just asked. Yes, she doesn’t want a refund. She isn’t threatening to get us fired. She wants to buy a replacement. Buy.)

Me: “Madam, I can assure you that you are well-deserving of a refund in a situation like this. This absolutely should not have happened at all, and I’m horrified that it did. We need to get that tree back here to examine it, and also a sample of the beetles. If you can’t bear to touch it, I’ll arrange to have our delivery driver pick it up for you, free of charge.”

Customer: “So… you’ll give me an artificial tree in exchange? I’ll have to get a smaller one, since they’re much more expensive.”

Me: “Well, this is an exceptional situation, so I’m going to stretch a point and say that as long as we get your tree back, we will do a straight swap: the same size artificial tree for the real one.”

Customer: “You’d do that? That would be great! I’ll get my husband to bring the tree back.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll make sure a similar artificial tree is put on one side for you. Could I take some details, please?”

(I take the details, and put a nice artificial tree on one side. It’s twice the price of the real tree she bought. I also plant up a small pot of primroses as a complimentary gift for her, and quickly wrap a red bow around it. The husband brings the tree in, and it is infested with Cinara piceae, a kind of big, ugly aphid. The warmth in her home had no doubt made them wake up and become active. I’ve never seen this happen before in Christmas trees, but her story all checks out. I give the go-ahead for her to get her refund and replacement tree. Unfortunately, I am with another customer when she comes in, but apparently, she bursts into tears when she is handed the complimentary pot of flowers. Slight overreaction, I think, but okay. Some people are just made that way. Fast forward to a little after Christmas. We have a visit from one of the directors. She is known for being strict but fair, and also a stickler for rules.)

Director: “[My Name], I had a letter about you from a customer. I wanted to discuss it with you.”

Me: “Really? What was it about?”

Director: “A lady said she had a tree full of beetles…”

Me: “Oh, the beetle tree! Yes, I remember all about it. I realise I went against refund policy by giving her goods worth twice the amount of the diseased tree, but I felt it was a very unusual situation and could have become a complete PR disaster.”

Director: “So… Do you think you made the right decision?”

(Okay, I’m in trouble. “What the heck?” I decide. “I might as well stand up for myself.”)

Me: “Yes, I do.”

(The director suddenly smiles and hands over an envelope.)

Director: “She sent you a Christmas card. There was a letter in it that told me about the tree. Her son had a bad motorbike accident earlier this year and is spending his first Christmas in a wheelchair at [Customer]’s house. They wanted to give him the best Christmas he could have. She said that you saved the day.”

(I can feel my eyes tearing up.)

Me: “Oh, right.”

Director: “So, well done. You did the right thing and saved us from a seriously embarrassing situation!”

(And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got promoted: by breaking the rules! I’m very happy to add that I have handled tens of thousands more Christmas trees since then, and have never seen a “beetle tree” again.)

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The Tree Is Real And So Is The Anger

, , , | Working | December 25, 2018

(Christmas is very important to me, so I want my first Christmas in my new flat after graduating from university to be special. I decide to buy a Christmas tree. I go to a garden centre to buy one and am greeted by an employee.)

Employee: “Good morning! Are you looking for a Christmas tree?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

(I tell him my budget and what I’m looking for, and he leads me over to the trees.)

Employee: “Ah, this one is beautiful!”

Me: “Oh, actually, as I said, I’d prefer a fake tree. I can’t touch real ones or—“

Employee: “Nonsense! No one should have a fake tree. How about this one, then—“

(I am dragged around the garden centre for ten minutes as the employee shows me various trees, all real, before I finally snap.)

Me: “Excuse me; I have told you repeatedly that I would prefer a fake tree. I am—“

Employee: “What? No! Fake trees are awful! All plastic and ugly. You don’t want a fake tree! Only lazy people have fake trees. You need a real tree—“

Me: “NO! Listen to me. I do not want a real tree; I want a fake tree. If you had listened at all when I told you what I was looking for, you would know that I cannot come into contact with pine or fir trees because I am allergic! I have been trying to tell you repeatedly for almost fifteen minutes now. Now please take me to find a fake tree.”

(The employee ran away, tail between legs, and I was helped by another employee who said that the employee had been trying to sell nothing but real trees because he got a better commission. I got a discount for the trouble, and have been happily coming into contact with my fake tree for six years.)

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